Posted Wed Sep 08, 2010 07:37 AM
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
Posted Wed Sep 08, 2010 07:38 AM
A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside.
A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?"
"For how much?" asks the man.
"One hundred dollars," the hooker answers.
"I'll give you five bucks," he replies.
The hooker swears at him and walks away.
A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk.
As they round the corner, there stands the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "HA!… see what you get for five bucks?"
Posted Wed Sep 08, 2010 07:39 AM
A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
Posted Wed Sep 08, 2010 07:40 AM
A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".
The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.
Posted Wed Sep 08, 2010 07:41 AM
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
Posted Wed Sep 08, 2010 07:42 AM
A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off.
He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that’s the Robinson’s, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"
Posted Wed Sep 08, 2010 07:44 AM
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the end!!"
Posted Wed Sep 08, 2010 07:52 AM
One day a little girl's parents were fighting in the kitchen and the father calls the mother a bitch and the mother calls the father a hoe. The little girl asked what they meant. The parents replied that it meant a very nice person. The father exclaims that the mothers has small tits. The little girl asks what tits are. The mother said that they were shoes. The mother told the father that he had a small dick. Once again the girl asks what a dick is and the father had said that it was a coat.
Later on the father was upstairs shaving And the little girl was watching and asked what he was putting on his face. He cuts himself and says "SHIT!!". So she goes down into the kitchen where her mother was and she asked what she was doing to the turkey. She also cut heself with the carving knife and says "FUCK!!".
The doorbell rings and she answers it. She sais to the visitors "come on in all you bitches and hoes, take off your dicks and your tits. My father is upstars putting shit on his face and my mother is in the kitchen fucking the turkey".
Posted Wed Sep 08, 2010 07:54 AM
A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range.
The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad. Golfpro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."
Posted Wed Sep 08, 2010 07:58 AM
Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy.
The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?"
Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.
Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair."
Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"
Posted Wed Sep 08, 2010 08:02 AM
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.
The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.
"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.
Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."
Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light.
Posted Fri Oct 01, 2010 02:25 AM
"Take your thumb off the end!!"
!!!!! very funny :D:D
I fell under the table.
Posted Fri Oct 01, 2010 02:58 AM
Son ask from mother:
- What is it between foot at elephant???
Mom thought, and said:
- Oh, a trifle.
Father proudly said, winking at his son:
- Did see, how I done pamper her!!!
Posted Fri Oct 01, 2010 09:51 AM
Posted Fri Oct 01, 2010 04:07 PM
Posted Sun Oct 03, 2010 11:25 PM
- My BoyFriend speak, what him with me not intresting, because I must increase its silicone.
But I half year ago as a did increase!
- You is a fool. Correct the lexicon, but not silicon.
Posted Mon Oct 04, 2010 02:10 AM
- I think, what would be a big scandal, when father finds out!
Posted Mon Oct 04, 2010 04:05 AM
- Who can explain to me, Why sperms have long tails?
All silent, one girl say gingerly:
- Probably to make it easier to get out from teeth?
Posted Mon Oct 04, 2010 04:46 AM
- I probably never did not get pregnant ...
- And why?
- I can not swallow this yuck!
Posted Fri Oct 15, 2010 02:37 PM
Here one from me its nasty dirty but my friend told it to me so here it goes..
Late at night a vampire shows up to a bar and sits at the bar the bar tender comes all scared and ask can i get you anything sir? the vampire looks around and replies ummm plenty of good drinks here tonight, but tonight i have a special request looking deep in to the bartenders eyes and says get me a pot of boiling water. The bartender runs and gets it then ask why do you want boiling water dont you drink blood? the vampire replies yes i do pulling a bloody tampond but tonight I feal like tee....