Does this make any sense or what?
Posted Wed Sep 22, 2010 01:26 AM
I guess we have totally different views. I am offended.
Posted Wed Sep 22, 2010 06:39 AM
Posted Wed Sep 22, 2010 11:16 PM
Posted Wed Sep 22, 2010 11:54 PM
Posted Thu Sep 23, 2010 05:17 AM
I guess we have totally different views. I am offended.
I think it's very generous of him to say that and if a man told me that I wouldn't feel offended.
Posted Fri Sep 24, 2010 05:42 AM
First off, let's clear up a few things:
... he said he would let me have sex with other people if he didn't please me.
He's not letting you do anything: what you do with your body is your choice, and he has no say in it. That's what sounds offensive to me- a man assuming ownership and control over his lover's body and/or actions (the same goes for women).
By him saying that it seems as if he doesn't even care about me; like he'll just pass me around.
One of the ultimate expressions of love is to acknowledge and embrace a lover's right to choose. The old saying from Fritz Perls, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours; if it doesn't, it never was", sounds a little corny, but there is truth there.
Many of us are not truly monogamous, because we only go along with it "because my lover/spouse will get mad/leave me" or "if I go with someone else, she'll think it's okay for her to do it".
Monogamy is not an unbreakable rule or a threat. It's an agreement between two people: "I choose to have sex only with you, not because you're the only one I can have sex with, but the only one I choose to have sex with."
I have no right to tell my lover she can or can't have sex with anyone else; she has no right to tell me that either. because of that simple truth, we live our relationship so that we want to be with one another, never forgetting that each time we have sex together, it is not an obligation or a duty, but a choice.
BUT he says he does care that's why he will let me be pleased by others.
Again, he's not letting you do anything, you are. Regardless of what he says, if you choose not to be with others, don't be.
As you can see, I believe that three most important words between lovers/spouses are not "I love you"; they are "I choose you". The key to a strong, healthy love is not to ask yourself "what does he want me to do?" but "what do I want to do to show my love?"
I agree with Olive: he is probably trying to be generous, but he's being generous with something that isn't his to give.
This post has been edited by ScottyWright: Fri Sep 24, 2010 05:43 AM
Posted Fri Sep 24, 2010 06:29 AM
Posted Fri Sep 24, 2010 07:27 AM
I understand that probably what he means is he wants her to be happy with whatever she chooses to do. But to 'let' someone do something suggests control: I can 'let' you drive my car, but can I 'let' you drive your own car?
if she chooses ... to be with someone else ... he is not going to stop her
And how would he do that, exactly? And what gives him the right to even try? It annoys me that he would even say that he's going to allow her to do something, as if she needs his permission or approval.
Your comments come off as if he is going to push her into being with someone else
That was hislove's interpretation, not mine: "like he'll just pass me around" , she said. He'll pass me around, as though it was his decision to make, not hers.
Again, I believe that this man is a bit insecure about his sexual prowess, and thinks that he is not satisfying her. He would rather that she find satisfaction elsewhere than be frustrated. I agree with an earlier post that said before he sends her to Studs R Us, he should ask her what pleases her, and the two of them could work together toward a more fulfilling sex life.
But I repeat: the offense for me is not to suggest that she take another lover; it bothers me for him to assume that he is in a position to 'let' her do so. It may be subtle, it may be unintentional, but it doesn't work for me:
"I'm going to the store/to my mother's/to work, dear"; "All right, sweetie- I'll let you"...
This post has been edited by ScottyWright: Fri Sep 24, 2010 07:29 AM
Posted Fri Sep 24, 2010 07:41 AM
Posted Fri Sep 24, 2010 04:51 PM
2) Or he could be hinting at a fantasy he has. A common male fantasy is to have his woman be with someone else or share her with someone together. A lot of people have this fantasy somewhere in them, but are unwilling to bring it up. Perhaps you should discuss this and see if this is what he wants. I AM NOT SAYING you should go through with this fantasy. Opening up a relationship put on a considerable amount of stress in a relationship and should not be attempted by people with high jealousy level or lack communication. However, you could read stories together about it or role-play.
Posted Sat Sep 25, 2010 03:12 AM
Agreed. One of my most common reactions to reading posts here is "why are you telling US this instead of your partner?!".
Posted Sat Oct 16, 2010 11:52 AM
Likewise. What a terrible thing to think about, or even consider.
Posted Sun Oct 24, 2010 06:22 PM
But what I really think is going on is a flare-up of insecurity - either in your relationship in general (i.e. lack of communication, a dry spell when it comes to sex lately, something you maybe said that wasn't necessarily complimentary to him, or a thought he had out of the blue that has nothing to do with you personally) or about his sexual skills. Have you complimented him recently on something he did in bed that made you feel great? He may be making the offer that you can sleep with other men because he doesn't think he's good in bed. Maybe he wants you to feel sexually satisfied and is willing to let you find satisfaction elsewhere as opposed to leaving him because he's not a good lover.
Try reassuring him that he rocks your world. He may just be looking for a little praise.
Or - if it is a fantasy of his to see you with someone else - maybe you could coax him into talking about his fantasies with you.
I would just recommend talking to him no matter what. I don't know whether or not you took what he said the wrong way, but it's possible that you could have, and it's possible that you should be offended, but you won't know unless you find out where that comment came from.