The circle of life....
Posted Sun Nov 14, 2010 09:08 PM
The beer numbed me and the sex reminded me that yes I was still a woman and yes I was still wanted by the male half of the species.
I had found a sort of semi-permanent friend with fringe benefits and was totally enjoying my self imposed slut-hood (as I was calling it, lol)
Then out of the blue, I re-met an old friend at the gas station...we talked for oh about 5 mins...then went on our way. I went out that nite and had a blast with my girlfriends (as usual! ). Next day i couldn't get old friend out of my mind...just couldn't. It felt like we had some unfinished business and I just wanted to talk to him...so I sent him a facebook message. I wasn't sure how often he checked it, if he was addicted like i was or just on there for the shits and grins of it....by checking his page, I kinda figured it was just shits and grins. I didn't know any other way to get a hold of him tho, so I just sent it and thought, I'll either hear from him or I won't!
Bit of background: This guy and I met when I was 17 and he was 23/24. He and I dated sort serious for a little bit, and I really fell (back then) head over heels for him...at 17 a 23/24 year old was, well ya know, slightly taboo, lol. Plus he could buy us all beer (we all did it, why be shy about it? LOL). He basically broke my poor little heart! At the time I was devastated and I told my best friend that I was swearing off men and I never wanted another relationship! Well one week after swearing off men I met the man I would eventually marry and never wanted to lose. However I did and I am going on with my life...
Back to current times: Well a week later I have a text message from re-met friend and we make plans to meet up later that nite at the local watering hole where I had been spending most every Friday and Saturday nite. I was very nervous all day long, which wasn't normally like me. I met up with my best friend for a drink beforehand and yes truthfully I was using her as a buffer with this guy, they knew each other (in my small town everyone knows everyone!) She had dated his cousin a long time ago and of course she knew all about our history and what happened 11 years ago.
We has a few beers and I finally worked up the courage to say, ya wanna get out of here? I'm tired of trying to talk over the juke box. I wasn't sure, actually that he would go, but he did. We rode around for almost 6 hours...and just talked. It was amazing! We talked about the old times and the new times and my stuff and his stuff...and just talking with him was great. I started to hold his hand because I just had to touch him, just had too. Then I had to kiss him. I did decide that I'm too old to be have relations with someone in a car...especially a car that small! We've both changed, for the better I believe, he's much calmer now then he was and he's...ah...softer, I can't explain it better then that. He's still the only person to ever make me shake like a leaf on a tree in a hurricane. No one and I do mean NO ONE had/has ever made me shake like that! The chemistry is there just like it was 11 years ago, however, it's the same chemistry, yet it's different. My best friend says everyone has that person...I hesitate to say first love because I realize now, that back then I thought I loved him but I did not. But it is sort of first infatuation person for sure. This is no longer the infatuation of a lovesick teenager, that's for sure. I'm not in love with him yet, but if we continue to see each other, I'm going to be falling. I do hope I'm ready for that fall. And of course it's not that fall that hurts, it's that sudden stop at the bottom!
There are just so many crazy things that have happened in my life and this is just one to add to the pile. He's still like no one else I've ever met, there's the shaking thing, and the sex? Oh my, best I've ever had...just wow, is usually all I can say! We did not have sex way back when because at the time I think that his penis was maybe only the second or third fully erect penis I'd ever seen. With full knowledge of where it was supposed to go. According to him, I said it's too big and oh hell no no no you are sticking that in me! Thankfully my fear of penis' has somewhat lessened in the last 11 years (and yeah, memory did not to him justice, it's still huge, but I no longer say oh hell no no no you are not sticking that in me!)
I'm sorry this was so stinking long, I didn't mean for it to be! But back to my thread title, The Circle of Life seems to be what I'm living right now, my life is taking a circular route...I did tell my another of my best friends that I had to go back to the girl I was 11 years ago to figure out where I'm supposed to be right now. I didn't realize, at the time, that this would happen! For what it's worth, I'm not sure where re-met guy and I are going, but I sure am enjoying the ride. I do, of course, have somewhat of an idea. Being with him is like fire, we will either simmer down to a slow burn, or the fire will consume both of us and we will be done.
Has anyone else had an experience like this? Where they re-met someone from their past and what happened? Not necessarily for the same reasons I was able too, but for whatever reason? There are so many things that haven happened that all lead back to him...so many coincidences, but then I do believe that fate works in mysterious ways, she deals the hand and you have to figure out how to play the cards, without really having full knowledge of how the game works.
Posted Sun Nov 14, 2010 09:41 PM
As for your question of what goes around comes around ... I have a entry about this very same topic in my blog. Mine was about and ex employee of mine. She came onto me while an employee and again years later, long after she left my shop. She was the closest I ever came to cheating on J. It was right after the death of her husband. I went to the service; afterwards she fell into my arms and just about begged me to either come into her house with her or take her to my hotel that night. When I hugged her she felt so wonderful .... god it was so hard to do the right thing. I so lusted for her but I didn't do anything, as much as I would have wanted to.
It was a tough one but it was the right thing.
Posted Mon Nov 15, 2010 07:43 AM
This on the other hand, at least for me, seems so freaking easy...so damned easy.
Yeah my situation is not normal, how many other 30 year old widows do you know? But I'm not normal, nor have I ever been normal, nor will I ever be normal .
This post has been edited by Double:D: Mon Nov 15, 2010 07:44 AM
Posted Mon Nov 15, 2010 09:06 AM
Having said that every cloud has a silverlining ?
Chin up cariad.
Posted Mon Nov 15, 2010 09:12 AM
Posted Mon Nov 15, 2010 08:43 PM
Olive, I plan to enjoy the ride, so much more then I ever thought I would after what had happened to me.
I almost feel as if this is something I've been waiting my whole life for, but never really knew I was waiting for it to happen...does that make any sense? I do not mean the death of my husband, I mean re-meeting this old friend. It's amazing to me how easy this whole thing is, there are no awkward moments, everything seems to just kind of fall in place.
I'm rather dazed by it all, actually!
Posted Wed Nov 17, 2010 08:31 AM
This time I yelled at him...I'm now wondering where my yelling skills come from? My mother I'm gonna guess, I'll ask her today!
Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me!
So since the last time this happened one week later I met my husband, I think I'll stay home this weekend, I'm tired of having to go in circles! I want a straight line for awhile!
Posted Wed Nov 17, 2010 08:23 PM
Up until Monday nite I was enjoying everything that I was doing, so I didn't let myself down there! I will continue to do what I have been doing, just going out and enjoying myself. I'm just really glad I didn't drop ties with the guy I had been friending with fringe benefits...he hadn't texted me during that time, so I didn't blow him off.
Truthfully I'm very glad this happened because it allowed me to understand him with an adults mind (there has to be something fundamentally wrong with him) and there's closure this time, for me it feels like the end of the end with that one. I'm glad for it actually, at least he didn't string me along any longer then he did!
Oh yes asked mom, my yelling skills come from her! I thought they did! I don't normally yell like that, but I was soooo ticked off it wasn't even funny...usually when I get that ticked I cry and all yelling stops, but not this time! I did cry over him later after my friends left me alone and I knew I would, I just had to. Even tho I pretty much hate crying.