Big expectations...even bigger letdown! Just a rant to see if any others experience this
Posted Wed Mar 02, 2011 10:13 PM
I'll use this week as an example.
Saturday: Flirt with her in-person (whispering in her ear at a party), a little tasteful and delicious texting before the party too. Get home and I get the line "I'm done. I have nothing left in the tank." I'm OK with this and it is already just after midnight and one of us has to be up with our son around 7 am. Incidentally, I'm the one who got up with him while mom slept til after 9 am. No biggie. I love my son and love to spend as much time as I can with him because I do work some long and weird hours.
Sunday: No flirting at all. She has a couple of friends over while my son and I go out and do some shopping. Later that night, I shower and come into the bedroom buck naked. She has a big smile for me as she cleans up her face and does what most women do before going to bed. Once in bed, she yawns and apologizes to me that she is bagged and doesn't feel it's fair to me if she only lays there because she is "out of gas". Time? 9:30 pm.
Monday: A little flirting via text during the day. She assures me that tonight is the night. She wants to shower together and read a couple's book of love we bought together 6 months ago. I'm revved and very, very excited at this. I'm home with her all night and it's now 9:00 pm and our son is fast asleep. I slap her butt and whisper in her ear "last one in the shower is a rotten egg" and head for the bathroom. After 30 seconds or so and with the water running, I climb in. I wait another couple of minutes and she still isn't in the shower. I figure she is taking off her makeup and will be in shortly. I wait another 5 or 6 minutes and nothing. I shut the water off, wrap myself in a towel, walk into the bedroom and she is sprawled out, still dressed, and snoring. Dejected, I grab my robe and head downstairs to watch TV and ponder what the fuck I'm doing wrong.
Tuesday: No flirting today. None. Zero. She apologizes profusely that she fell asleep on me and promises that tonight will be special. I have a meeting commitment for a charity I'm involved in and get home at around 8:30. Again, our son is zonked out for the night. I quietly close his door and head down the hallway to our bedroom, get undressed and head for the shower. I'm thinking she'll join me any second but, again, I'm wrong. She is on the phone with a friend so I head to the bedroom and, still naked, get into bed. I wait and wait and finally around 9:30 she climbs into bed, fully dressed in her pajamas. I spoon her and whisper in her ear. She says she isn't feeling very good and can't get warm and would rather be just cuddle her and warm her up before we get busy. Ten minutes later she starts snoring. I roll over, look at the alarm clock and can't believe it's only 9:45. My balls are ready to explode.
Wednesday (tonight): She is the flirty one today...telling me how much she wants to feel me inside her, have a hot shower together, how she is dripping wet and needs my big dick and stuff like this. I bust my ass to get my work done and get home at 5 pm sharp. My son and I play together while she gets supper ready. After we eat, my son goes to play on the computer (he's only 4) and I start to wash dishes. Finally, after my son is bathed and in bed, I whisper in her ear as she gets her clothes ready for tomorrow. It's only 8:20 at this point so I'm thinking if I catch her a bit earlier, things may actually happen. Well, I'm disappointed. She is feeling very tired and her new early morning workout is killing her energy levels at night. She pecks me on the cheek and promises me a good time tomorrow night (even though I work until 9 pm and don't get home til 9:30). I just sighed and gave the "yeah, whatever" look to her and now she's pissed off at me.
Anyone else have a spouse who does this??? I'm at my wit's end and am on the verge of taking up the neighbor lady on her fuck buddy offer since her husband isn't interested in her either. .
No, I'm kidding. I'd never cheat on my wife. I love her too much for all the other things but I'm really starting to resent only having sex on the occasional Friday or Saturday night once or twice a month.
Posted Wed Mar 02, 2011 11:38 PM
Posted Wed Mar 02, 2011 11:49 PM
I have just spent the past 6 months putting myself in her shoes and I do have an understanding of what she is going through. She's used words like "stressed", "frustrated", "not coping very well", "exhausted", and "tired".
She has also been informed on at least 4 occasions in the past 6 months of how I'm feeling (much of which is not that different from what I've wrote above). The last thing I heard from her tonight was "Great, our sex life is doomed." I replied "why do you say that?". She said "Just being sarcastic. Good night." and she turned off the light, leaving me to stand in the doorway like I'm some sort of room attendant or something.
That was an hour ago or so. Since that time, I've had every range of emotion wrack my body: Anger, resentment, fear, desperation, depression, anxiety, etc. Even though I'm not thinking rationally at this point, I've decided to cancel my text plan (actually, it's a Blackberry so I'm ditching everything but my emails...need them for work purposes and she's my only messenger contact and the only one I text or receive texts from). I've also decided to put 100% of my efforts into my new workout regimen and anytime I feel the urge to want sex with her, I'm putting all that energy into my workouts. The day is coming where she will want to jump me in bed but I'm sure my libido will be pretty much null and void by that point.
I'm going to man up in the process and maybe once I come down off this resentment high, I'll be in the best shape of my life both physically and mentally and she will have a hard time accepting the fact that I can say "no" to her when it comes to having sex only on her terms and when she is the one who wants and needs it (something I can't do now).
Posted Wed Mar 02, 2011 11:53 PM
Posted Thu Mar 03, 2011 12:32 AM
- both of us were previously married but had known each other since we dated in high school
- my marriage ended when I got fed up with my ex's laziness and spending habits (she drained every bank account we had and maxed out all of our credit on needless things...she had a retail and catalogue shopping addiction that she denied right to the day I last spoke to her some 10 years ago)
- according to her, her marriage ended before it even began...he was a sweet guy who bent over backwards for her, showering her with tons of affection, loved her friends and gave her mind-blowing sex 7 days a week while they dated...she caught him cheating a week before their wedding but she decided to go through with it anyway, chalking it up to him having "one last fling"...well, she said the cheating never stopped and he treated her like a slave at home and she finally booted his ass out the door a year into their marriage
Splitting up is not an option for me, nor do I think it is what she wants either. I loved this girl when we dated in our teens and made the mistake of breaking up with her then. There wasn't a day that went by between then and the time we got back together that I didn't think about her and "what might have been". When she picked up the phone and I heard her voice for the first time in many, many years, I almost cried. On our wedding day, I did cry. They were tears of joy that I had finally met the person I was destined for.
Not that it would change anything about how I feel for her but shortly into our marriage, I began to learn that she is a very straight-line thinker...not a lot of creativity and she has admitted to "not being able to think outside the box" and "my comfort zone is as small as my belly button" and stuff like that. For a few months I gently...and I mean GENTLY got her to open up about why she has such low expectations of herself and I found out she had been sexually assaulted by the guy who replaced me after I broke up with her (she told no one out of fear and embarrassment); she had been subjected to verbal and emotional abuse by her ex-husband who demanded she watch porn with him, participate in group sex and even serve him and his buddies food and beer naked while they watched games on TV (she never did any of those...at least that's what she's said and I have no reason to doubt her); she's had sex with what she terms as a high number of men but can't remember many of them because she always needed to be drunk to have casual sex or one-night stands. She has worked out ever since her assault and uses the physical activity as a way to purge her pent up anger and to clear her head. I've suggested that I would like to see her deal with this assault issue either by herself or as a couple at counselling if she wanted my support. I was told to "back off and don't tear down what I've worked so hard for so long to overcome and deal with myself". Fact is...I can see she hasn't truly dealt with it but she can't.
I've tried to reassure her that being her husband means I do not judge her and am there to be everything she needs me to be. I am a good listener. I am a good father. I am a good husband. She has told me all of this countless times and does not want to ever lose me. But, it seems everything is tilted in her favor when it comes to sex. It only happens when it works best for her. I could have zero interest in getting busy with her and *wham* she taps me on the shoulder in bed and says she is ready. Being a man who has a libido that turns on faster than a light switch, I oblige no matter how sore or tired or what time I have to be up in the morning. I NEVER make excuses and have NEVER turned her down. I also have NEVER just gone through the motions just to satisfy her and get some sleep.
On the other hand, I have gone to bed more nights than I care to remember where I've been so horny, I've actually gotten up in the middle of the night to masturbate to get some sense of relief. Not once in 8 years has she ever said something like "oh honey, I know you're really horny but I'm just not up for sex tonight...hope this does the trick instead!" and gives me a handjob or a heaven forbid a blowjob! I'm not saying I feel deprived because deep down I know what I want: passionate, loving sex...not a quick, meaningless handjob just so I can get off! But, there are times where I so badly just want SOMETHING...and even a kiss on the cheek would be nice!
Sorry about my rambling but I'm just going off the deep end here!!!
Posted Thu Mar 03, 2011 01:15 AM
Posted Thu Mar 03, 2011 03:51 AM
This post has been edited by wouchgirl: Thu Mar 03, 2011 03:50 AM
Posted Thu Mar 03, 2011 08:31 AM
Her alarm is set for 5:30 am so she can get up to work out for 90 minutes every morning Monday to Friday. She's done this for years, even long before she met me. I asked her about working out in the evening and she said she can't as it makes it hard for her to go to sleep and sex is 100% out of the question because she is physically exhausted after her workouts.
I've been given the advice to just tell her "quit working out" and that if she doesn't, I should either just accept that she takes her health more serious than our relationship or I should simply leave her and look for true happiness elsewhere. I can't do either of those...every other aspect of our lives are very in tune with one another.
Posted Thu Mar 03, 2011 01:45 PM
Posted Thu Mar 03, 2011 04:57 PM
- fix it
- leave it
- live with it
- agree to an arrangement