[Fabulousxeste]

I hope I'm posting this in the right forum. If not then someone could move it elsewhere.

Alright I'll just say it out loud: In real life I still consider myself a shy person. I don't really talk to people I haven't met before,unless I ask them for help or ask some other questions. I mean I guess I'm too much of a chicken to go out and socialize and make some new friends.

What's really sad is that I'm still like this,I've been pretty shy my whole life so far. And this frustrates me quite a bit! I mean I thought I could conquer my shyness by now as a young adult,but I really haven't changed that much. Although I will admit that my shyness is not as severe as it was in the past.
I don't know if I just have too much fear or too much anxiety or something else. I just wish I knew how to get rid of it!

So now I just want to ask: How does someone like me overcome shyness?

[Attalim]

One of the biggest bits of advice I can give you...

Take up a martial art, at first it will be difficult, but give yourself 1-3 years, and attend every tournament, every meeting, every training group and seminar your organisation has. The constant switching of partners during training, the constant 5 minute slots with someone you don't know, where you not only have to put your trust in them not to injure you, but you also have to trust yourself not to injure them.

This kind of thing is what we call Anxiety inoculation, in some circles. By forcing yourself into a situation where not only do you have to talk to someone new, you have to put your physical wellbeing in their hands, you put yourself under a ton of social stress, but you do so in a way that teaches you it's not a big deal. And then you'll find not only are you less stressed about meeting strangers, but you have an interesting topic.


"hey how are you?"
"I'm fine you?"
"Oh I ache a bit, I was training in (insert martial art name here) last night"
"Really? I've always wanted to be a martial artist!"


and so on.

[KellsMor]

It's like any other fear really, you just meet it head on and the more you do it the more comfortable you become. Make a concerted effort to be more outgoing and take just an extra few minutes out of your day to be willing to stop and chat with people. I said in another post somewhere on the forums about general conversations and how a person needs to become comfortable with awkward pauses to get better at conversing with people and what I meant by that is if you just say something, anything, to a stranger and then just stand there and patiently wait for a response you'll get to see the humor in people.
Whether you bring up a complaint about the establishment you are in or a fave football team or whatever, I just love dragging the humor out people, many of whom are happy to chat anyway. Eventually you'll see there is really nothing to fear.

[ExMercurii]

I think I may be able to be of some service on this topic actually. If you would be willing to allow me to help, I would greatly appreciate the opportunity.

First thing I would suggest is to sit down with a pen and paper, and begin a personal reflection of where the root of the issue comes from.
When addressing any problem one needs first identify

1. What the problem would look like if it were fixed.
2. Why they want to fix it.
3. If there is anyone they know of who has already beat the same or a similar problem, and if so, study how they did it like one would study anything.

I could go on into more detail but I shall wait and see if you would be interested in me doing so, until then, have a good day,
-M

[Duchess]

can you tell me what happens when you meet people? are you shy with everyone, new and old or is it just in new situations?

I have a few friends that are painfully shy but are fine around their known friends, put them into a different or unknown situation and they almost hide.

Shyness can be painful but can be overcome, its a matter of pushing yourself into uncomfortable situations. I think the fear of rejection, looking silly, etc can creep into anyone and usually they are the underlying reasons for shyness.

[Olive]

Okay Xesty dear, here you have some practical advice...

• Do not isolate yourself: true, some people need more social interaction than others, but we all need some. Too much isolation is not healthy. I'm actually a rahter introvert person, this is why I write a lot here, but I know I have to go out every now if at all, just to talk to the lady in the library or the guy who's arranging the fruits in the supermarket. The most important exercise here is not to lose your ability to converse. This is specially true when you feel a little annoyed with the exchanges here at SF or any other social networks you frequent. You see, you don't have to do something deep or meaningful, just a little something to reconnect, so call a friend to do lunch, or even ask someone at work or school if they would like to grab something to eat or go somewhere.
• Return your phone calls: I'll tell you, I hate the phone with a passion, and all my friends have been adviced on what to do if they really need to talk to me. I hardly answer the phone because I'm usually reading, writing or cooking. Still, for reasons of respect and politeness, I can't ignore phone calls, it's just not right. When someone you like calls, you really should respond at some point even if you don't at the very instant and let the call go on your voice mail.
• Avoid getting into deep philosophical conversations: I do prefer meaningful conversation, but really, this is not something appealing to everyone. So, it's always better to start light and easy and maybe someone will bite and things go a little deeper later on. Friendships are rarely instant, and I would be somewhat skeptical if that ever happened. Things take time, so never rush, because there's no schedule or shorcuts when it comes to making friends. Friendships tend to build incrementally, and the truth of the matter is that you have to start with small talk.
• Be careful with the babbling: a lot of people feel they have to fill up silence with whatever crosses their minds. Don't do that, and if you find you're running into a monologue... Take a deep breath, look at the people around you and check if they're interested or in pain. If they're interested continue, but ask them what they think. If they're annoyed, excuse yourself, and say that you tend to get carried away because you like the subject.
• Don't confuse shyness with fear: unfortunately we all have to do things we don't like, but if you find that you find too difficult to return a phone call, attend a party, or join a conversation, then consider that you may be feeling fear instead of shyness. Now, fear is an emotion that is useful when we're feeling threatened, but talking to someone shouldn't be that difficult and if you find yourself regretting things not done, then maybe you should try to figure out what are you're scared of and how to change that.
• Try not to judge people: remember that people are just people, and if you find them shallow, then let them be. Chit chat is a good exercise in pointless talk, but where we would be if we couldn't comment on the weather, or share the thought of a sunny day with a passerby... It's all good and that's how we build communities, so even if you don't like to say something inane, be brave and do it. You see, thinking about the inmortality of a shrimp may sound deep, but it isn't really, so it's good not to try to project your values onto others.

Hope this helps...

[Q]

Here's the secret , pick the most powerful person/thing you can imagine & when you feel shy coming on , go to that thing & borrow some of its strength & personality .

On a personal note , avoid channeling the Hulk . The repair bills can be a mutha

[Jewelz]

Q, on Thu Apr 21, 2011 07:21 PM, said:

Here's the secret , pick the most powerful person/thing you can imagine & when you feel shy coming on , go to that thing & borrow some of its strength & personality .

On a personal note , avoid channeling the Hulk . The repair bills can be a mutha

xeste your figure out how to overcome it you let me know. I am so shy I rarely even open my mouth in real life to anyone I dont know (amazing huh?)
takes me a long time to make friends. the guys loved me in the workplace, a nonchatty female, it was amazing what they would open up and tell me because of that too

[OutaLuckCanuck]

Don't worry OP, you're not alone. I too am exactly like this, if not a tad worse. I just cannot talk to people that aren't in my comfort zone (ie - mom, close friends, other relatives) and it greatly affects my social life. As of right now, I'm hoping that by the time I get to college, I'll meet new people with similar interests, so conversation will come naturally. It affects my love life too. I have zero leads right now after my break up with my ex girlfriend and it's driving me nuts.

Just hang in there.

[EvilPsychologist]

Easiest way to overcome shyness? Work in retail for a few months, preferably as a cashier.

I'm not being snarky either, that's a practice called flooding. You force yourself to be in an uncomfortable position until you no longer respond negatively to it. That's how I stopped being shy... and actually... now I might be somewhat insane... so that might not be a good thing...



Anyway, if you continue to put yourself into situations where you absolutely CAN'T be shy, you'll eventually grow out of the shyness completely.

Paintball and Airsoft leagues are another good opportunity to meet friends and stop being shy (also, they're one metric shitload of fun). They're also mildly painful... not as painful as retail... but painful.

Basically, find something you enjoy doing, and do it with a group of people you've never met before. That'll solve your problem.

This post has been edited by Parannoyed: Sun Apr 24, 2011 08:29 AM

[saintnailpolish]

most people are just saying to jump in headfirst but theres another approach that i think works really well for stuff like this. what you do is start out with something small, like i don't know, saying hi to someone on the street, and you just keep doing it until it no longer makes you feel anxious. then you move on to something bigger and work your way up. jumping inheadfirst never worked for me, it just kinda freaked me out too much, but i did get progress by doing things this way. this is one of the techniques i was taught when i was getting help for my social anxiety, so its definitely got some credibility i really wish you the best!

[iaav]

I have terrible, debilitating shyness as well. It is true that you must take it one step at a time. The only way to get over your fear of shyness is through exposure therapy. This method is extremely challenging and anxiety provoking, but it can be rewarding. You could try finding support groups in your area for people with similar problems, and slowly acclamate yourself to the environment. If you attend one of these meetings, don't pressure yourself to speak your first time. You could simply introduce yourself, and if you are uncomfortable speaking, say hello and introduce your name, maybe mention that you are shy and would like to reserve speaking after a few meetings when you are comfortable. (This is what I did.) Noone will criticize you at these meetings, because everyone there is suffering just like you (and me). Also, try not to be to hard on yourself. For example if you plan on speaking but back out, don't tell yourself that you are inept or incompotent. Praise yourself for attending the meeting in the first place. I know how hard it can be to this; you have to literally change your perception and thought process. It is too easy to spiral into a negative thought process.

Bye the way, these small steps I suggested have helped me. They have not cured me, but they have made me believe that there is hope in conquering my social anxiety.

Good luck to you.

[Dark-Knight]

Olive, on Thu Apr 21, 2011 06:34 PM, said:

Okay Xesty dear, here you have some practical advice...

• Do not isolate yourself: true, some people need more social interaction than others, but we all need some. Too much isolation is not healthy. I'm actually a rahter introvert person, this is why I write a lot here, but I know I have to go out every now if at all, just to talk to the lady in the library or the guy who's arranging the fruits in the supermarket. The most important exercise here is not to lose your ability to converse. This is specially true when you feel a little annoyed with the exchanges here at SF or any other social networks you frequent. You see, you don't have to do something deep or meaningful, just a little something to reconnect, so call a friend to do lunch, or even ask someone at work or school if they would like to grab something to eat or go somewhere.
• Return your phone calls: I'll tell you, I hate the phone with a passion, and all my friends have been adviced on what to do if they really need to talk to me. I hardly answer the phone because I'm usually reading, writing or cooking. Still, for reasons of respect and politeness, I can't ignore phone calls, it's just not right. When someone you like calls, you really should respond at some point even if you don't at the very instant and let the call go on your voice mail.
• Avoid getting into deep philosophical conversations: I do prefer meaningful conversation, but really, this is not something appealing to everyone. So, it's always better to start light and easy and maybe someone will bite and things go a little deeper later on. Friendships are rarely instant, and I would be somewhat skeptical if that ever happened. Things take time, so never rush, because there's no schedule or shorcuts when it comes to making friends. Friendships tend to build incrementally, and the truth of the matter is that you have to start with small talk.
• Be careful with the babbling: a lot of people feel they have to fill up silence with whatever crosses their minds. Don't do that, and if you find you're running into a monologue... Take a deep breath, look at the people around you and check if they're interested or in pain. If they're interested continue, but ask them what they think. If they're annoyed, excuse yourself, and say that you tend to get carried away because you like the subject.
• Don't confuse shyness with fear: unfortunately we all have to do things we don't like, but if you find that you find too difficult to return a phone call, attend a party, or join a conversation, then consider that you may be feeling fear instead of shyness. Now, fear is an emotion that is useful when we're feeling threatened, but talking to someone shouldn't be that difficult and if you find yourself regretting things not done, then maybe you should try to figure out what are you're scared of and how to change that.
• Try not to judge people: remember that people are just people, and if you find them shallow, then let them be. Chit chat is a good exercise in pointless talk, but where we would be if we couldn't comment on the weather, or share the thought of a sunny day with a passerby... It's all good and that's how we build communities, so even if you don't like to say something inane, be brave and do it. You see, thinking about the inmortality of a shrimp may sound deep, but it isn't really, so it's good not to try to project your values onto others.

Hope this helps...

i have been shy all my life..from what i have remember.. I have never fitted anywhere..in elementry and middle school, I never had any friends.. in high school i managed to made some friends and one of them was my best friend who isn't talking to me anymore for some reason..then in College, i wanted to make friends and date.. all i got was rejection and friends who wanted to get in trouble...

so now, I am almost 27.. single alone.. never been in a relationship.. never had a gf.. never dated anyone.. never fitted anywhere.. never liked by aanyone...and my only best friend that i had isn't talking to me.. so I am going through the Isolation phase at this moment where i don't talk to people much.. still don't have the balls to talk to anyone.. still can't talk to girls and keep a conversation..so to make it simple.. shyness has been the main reason i think behind all this..

to the poster, if you are younger than me.. i say look at me as an example.. if you don't man up and get rid of it.. u will end up like me.. i have wasted the best years of my life being alone lonely.. depressed.. i have remembered days i have been in places where everyone around me had a partner, friend and loved once.. I was lonley and alone there too.. I remember valanetine's day last year.. in a movie theater.. I am alone while veryone had a partner.. it was the worst feeling ever..but it is life.. and it is not fair.

[babykissme]

Parannoyed, on Sun Apr 24, 2011 07:29 AM, said:

Easiest way to overcome shyness? Work in retail for a few months, preferably as a cashier.

i dont have much experience on the shy part (i talk to anyone) but def retail places ya in a position of meetin/greetin many new people. the nice thing is its usually brief encounters, so ya dont hafta spend much time worryin bout in depth convos and if ya are uncomfy, that person in front of ya will soon be on their way. next.

gettin outside of ya comfort zone makes anyone vulnerable. dont take it personally if ya dont succeed at all your attempts. chalk it up to some convos will be awkward and move forward.

askin questions like ya said is a great way to connect with someone. bein interested and focusin on the otha person takes the spotlight off bein nervous or anxious. join a sport, a club, volunteer. ya will find people ya have somethin in common to talk bout with.

ya mention that ya shyness is not as severe as it was in the past. maybe look to see what changed for that to happen.

all the best.

[pool_shark]

For me shyness had to do with my self esteem. I didn't feel that I was attractive, thought I was too skinny, etc. Even though I knew there were women that thought I was attractive, it didn't help because I couldn't initiate a conversation with a woman.

I know shyness comes on different levels and I don't know where yours is, but mine was with women and crowds. I still don't like crowds but I overcame my shyness with women.

I was fed up with being alone, not having a girlfriend. I forced myself to speak to a different woman every day. I would go out and pick one woman and give her a compliment. It didn't have to be a woman that I was particularly attracted to because my goal was not to find a woman, just talk to them. I would tell women their perfume smelled nice, or their outfit looked good on them, or their hair or nails looked nice.

Giving them compliments gave me positive feedback which gave me the courage to continue my "therapy". After a while I was able to approach women that I was attracted to and use the same technique and got equally positive results. Then I was able to talk to any woman I saw anywhere.

[Davendra]

there are two aspects to consider:

1) Introversion.

Some people prefer small groups, like to be alone. Too much external stimulation and excitement is very uncomfortable. If that is you then, well, that is who you are. You can work on developing extroverted skills, such as joining toastmasters. Try small group outings or larger events that allow you to break off into smaller groups. Eventually it will become easier.

2) Low self confidence.

If you are shy because you are insecure, feel that you are not as deserving or as good as other people, then you have to learn that isn't true. You can develop confidence by doing something and getting better at it, it will make you feel better about yourself. I think that one person mentioned marial arts, for a great many people that might do the trick, but any activity that makes you feel better about yourself will do.

There are books that can teach you to talk to people, connect with people, such as the famous "How to Win Friends and Influence People", also there are books on selling (the skills are transferrable).

[LuvBug]

Im extremely shy myself. Alwyas have been. Im not a people person......I think my shyness got a little better when I was working in the hospital/nursing home....I had to talk to people there...not just the employees. But now that Im unemployed Im afraid Ive crawled back in my shell.

Theres no way I could work in retail.....doesnt take much to embarass me. Im too afraid of screwing up.

I dont have any advice....just know you arent alone.,

[Wiglaf]

To attack shyness you really need to figure out why you are shy. It's a lot tougher than it sounds I know but you need to sit down and be real with yourself and examine the problem. There has to be something in your past that has equated meeting new people and or expressing yourself with something negative. And until you figure that out you're not going to be able to overcome the shyness. I reccomend a little therapy to help figure it out. But on cliche thing you can do to help overcome it the shyness is to force yourself to talk to strangers. Start by asking them for the time and as you get more comfortable you can start asking different things but you have to just walk up and ask a random individual. Good luck.

[Wallsch]

I say to overcome being shy. You need to just go and do what your too shy to do. After you do it a few times you will get better and not feel the fear anymore.

[AceofDoucheBag]

Xeste...... I have never read this before.


Could you give an update on how you think you're dealing with your shyness ? Have you tried anything to overcome it?


isn't going to be totally overcome- but have you taken any steps to feel more comfy with people in general?