I cry most days.
Posted Thu Apr 28, 2011 08:34 AM
We love each other very much.
We've been having problems for about 8 months. Since August 2010.
Just before christmas, I kissed someone else. I told him about a month ago. Yes I know it was wrong of me to lie about it, but what's done is done and nothing can change that.
My boyfriend keeps telling me he wants to be with me, but since I've told him I've become really paranoid that he's going to end it with me. I worry that we've been having problems since August and then I get stressed out that I've been worrying which then turns into a viscious circle.
Right now, at this moment: I'm not happy, I cry a lot over nothing really. He reassures me loads but it just doesn't seem to sink in. My friends just text me saying "sometimes the hardest thing to do, is the best thing to do" but I really don't want it to come to that.
I don't wanna be without him, I need to start being positive but I don't know how.
Please any advice and please be gentle.
Posted Thu Apr 28, 2011 08:52 AM
once you have forgiven yourself you can accept his forgiveness
Posted Thu Apr 28, 2011 08:53 AM
If it really is you that is making yourself upset, rather than your boyfirend, then you have to work out why. Is it just your relationship or is it more, for example univeristy and other issues? Try and speak to someone different about it, offloading helps - dont ignore the idea of speaking to a counselor if you are that unhappy. Most universities will have their own support/counseling systems, and they might be able to make you feel happier. Personally, I remember when I thought the idea of going and speaking to a professional counselor was a ridiculous idea because it seemed like such an overreaction to my problems, but it was the best thing I did. If that doesn't seem like an option you want to go down, the last thing I would say is speak to your boyfriend. Maybe in fact start there, have a full conversation about everything that upsets you or worries you, and see how things pan out.
Posted Thu Apr 28, 2011 08:55 AM
Posted Thu Apr 28, 2011 08:58 AM
That's what I'd do, even if I was forgiven
Hope it helps, and good luck girl !
Posted Thu Apr 28, 2011 09:07 AM
When I said we were having problems, it meant that we used to argue a lot. Now we rarely do, that's basically all that's changed in 8 months. It's only the past couple of weeks (since I told him about the kiss) that I've been really emotional. There's been quite a few times where we've been making love and I've started crying.
I want to be with him, so so much!!
Posted Thu Apr 28, 2011 09:20 AM
Keep the lines of communication open with your bf and talk this through honestly.
At the end of the day, getting through this tough time is up to you both, you can only really do what you can do, how he feels or what he does is up to him.
If you are crying everyday, something is wrong, I suggest you get help for you, talk to someone like a counsellor or your doctor.
I wish you luck in your relationship.
Posted Thu Apr 28, 2011 02:02 PM
Posted Fri Apr 29, 2011 10:19 AM
2) I am sure you have apologized for your indiscretion, Great. Now if HE forgives you, then you should fogive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. If he made a similar mistake, could you fogive him? You need to forgive yourself if he forgives you and move on.
3) Build your relationship each day - become more trusting, caring and so on so that the foundation is solid.
If you act paranoid all the time, it will not be fun for him or you. You need to get this all on the table (which you did) and chill.
Lastly, I was confused that you met 19 months ago at college, but you are still both in your first year. Sorry - words are words and I didn;t get this part
Posted Fri Apr 29, 2011 10:20 AM
This also applies to your self-percieved infidelity - you have to let it go and move ahead with the bigger concern of your relationship NOW; what's more important to YOU, the fact that IN THE PAST you kissed someone else then concealed the fact and later came out about it to him, or the fact that THIS VERY MOMENT you love each other and he forgave you and you both are still together? You WILL lose him if you keep focusing on your self-perpetuated guilt about the past rather than on the relationship you have NOW, but you have to decide that NOW is worth enough to you to for you to give up focusing on THEN.
I know it's not easy, I'm not saying it is, but it's the only way you will be able to keep going down the path you want, and the only way you can help yourself to stop crying over things and actually fix them (and I'm not trying to be or meaning to be an asshole by saying this either).
I wish you luck and good times for the future...
Edit: read further posts and understand but the advice still applies
This post has been edited by HumanBreeder1973: Fri Apr 29, 2011 10:25 AM
Posted Fri Apr 29, 2011 11:49 AM
What you need to do is forgive yourself. It happened. It's done. It won't happen again, right? You've learned from this...
Now, what you need to do is let him love you and forgive you. Acting like you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop has to be exhausting! Not just for you, but for him too. You don't want to plant the seed that you're not forgivable or not worthy of this guy because of what happened. To be honest, it's not as big a deal as you're making it. I know you wouldn't want him to do that to you, so just make sure that he knows it won't happen again.
But you have to move on from this if you want to move forward. Your constant worrying will make him think something else is going on, or that something else did happen besides a kiss. Don't let your guilty conscience get the best of you and your relationship. And like I usually suggest - talk to him! Just talking sometimes can make you feel better.
Posted Fri Apr 29, 2011 12:06 PM
If it is just the kissing thing you are upset about, it seems a big over dramatic. You are forgiven, maybe there is something else you cant forgive yourself for?
Also there is something common about people putting their happiness in the hands of their SO's as though it is their SOs job to make them happy. If you cant be happy on your own, how can you be happy with someone else. I think that definitely comes to play here. I don't think it is fair to put that responsibility on someone else. Im sorry but it seems like you have a sort of obsessed connection with him. One of those "If you leave i will die, sort or connections." That is not a fair relationship to have with him. I understand you just told him about the kiss, but you have been living with it the past 4 or 5 months with out him knowing, and that wasn't near as disappointing to you as telling him was? On top of that he forgave you and is willing to put it behind the both of you and move on, but y'all cant move on, if you can't. It is unfair for you to invest so much grief in something that is trying to be forgotten. I would just move on, never bring it up again. If it is something that is still causing loads of grief for you, then i would seek out professional help, because it is something way beyond the fact that you kissed someone else, and it is a much deeper problem.
I am not trying to be rude, mean, or offend you, this is just how i see the situation with such little detail and drawing from my past experiences. Best of luck.
Posted Fri Apr 29, 2011 09:48 PM
Cheating is never the answer, but in this complicated and unfair world, your man needs to be willing and able to move past it and grow together. Of course, that's easeir said than done.
One cannot hold someone's mistakes against them forever. Sure, being cheated on is horrible, but if the person cheated on decides to stay in the relationship, it is their responsibility to move on. Developing a victim identity just propagates the damage of the infidelity. If the person wants to personify the cheater as a monster, they need to be willing to move on and then they can think whatever they want of the cheater.
If they want to stay, they need to be able to respect the other person, and not just use the cheating as an excuse to avoid self reflection and self criticism.
Posted Sat Apr 30, 2011 11:26 AM
Posted Sat Apr 30, 2011 05:29 PM
Posted Sat Apr 30, 2011 06:15 PM
Posted Sat Apr 30, 2011 06:58 PM
Posted Sun May 01, 2011 09:33 AM
I agree with this quote, if you really want to be with him then you need to focus on your relationship and it was seriously stupid to kiss someone else, maybe implementing some self-control next time.
Posted Sun May 01, 2011 02:21 PM
it seems to me you made a mistake which he is willing to forget but you don't want to. Take the experience on the chin and move on. You kissed somebody else but obviously realised the person you want is your boyfriend - stop worrying about what you think he might feel and get on with enjoying your life together.
Posted Sun May 01, 2011 03:19 PM