My past is littered with ghosts some of people some of memories and some days that are so terrifying to relive they themselves become ghosts. There are ex boyfriends, old friends and locations that bring back both happy and painful memories, but this one is different. Not just an ex but the ex. More of a crash than crush. Why is it that these things linger haunting us? We all have a past, and we have the moments in our lives that are terrifying to relive the seconds that become canonised in our minds.
As I search for answers I realise I no longer have the questions, I don’t know why I still seek answers for past events that are so far back in time but I do and I cant explain why a simple name and a quick thought is able to carry me back into such an awful state of mind and leave me sitting on my floor drinking cheap whiskey my ears hearing the drone of Eddie Vedders voice as it seeps out of my computers speakers. Head in my hands slurring words and mumbling names under my breath.
Love is the most desired feeling, sought after and wanted by all, it can bond us together and tear us apart. For me it has done both it brought me the man I wanted to spend my life with. The first man I was able to let in, the first time I could let the word love escape from me. It wasn't enough though with matters of the heart and human emotion it never is. We expect so much, we feel entitled to the perfect romance, the perfect love, the perfect partner. Does such a thing even exist? Are we as humans programmed to be perfect, I think not. Nothing is perfect, the people who say they have the perfect relationship are either lying or there imperfection is serious delusion. So where does that leave the rest of us, how do we banish our ghosts. We can leave town, cut our hair, change job but part of the ghost the memories themselves lie within yourself not you surroundings, hair colour or day to day life. Love is such a complicated word and emotion, when to say it, whether or not you really feel it, how to stop yourself feeling it. It brings up so many questions and requires so many more answers.
True love takes everything from you it requires all of you it brings up everything-its like having a mirror held up to you every day. Nothing can be hidden no thoughts no emotion it is all brought to the surface by love..Ex's are a tricky part of the dilemma that is love. They are the reason for me writing this. Ex's in no way fit neatly into things I have often wondered whether its all worth it. At the end of a relationship, when your left with nothing concrete no solid evidence just battle wounds and emotional scars. Was any of it really worth it. We all speak the words, but do we ever give a thought to what they truly mean. Are we all secretly masochistic? We pick the wrong partners, we repeat patterns, we allow ourselves to be treated like shit yet we carry on begging for it. Begging for love, feeling incomplete without another’s affection. Or in my case without one persons affection. I don’t care at all for new loves or finding another just for one a past love.In this case I don’t think the past should stay there. However the consequnce of this is I fuck around and date every now and again never giving a shit about anyone. Call me masochistic perhaps I am.
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