A bit about me: I am a research scientist and safety is something I deal with every day. Originally, I planned this as a very humorous post (and it still is) but as I thought about it, there are some important concepts. I hope everyone enjoys this, and doesn't take it too seriously. Let’s get started.
My overriding theme is to think before you act.
Before you do whatever it is you are going to do, with whomever or whatever it is, ask yourself: Is there is a reasonable chance I could end up in the Emergency Room?
If the answer is yes, you may want to reconsider your actions. We’ve all seen those “funniest videos” shows, and the “Jackass” series. I don’t think you want to make the highlight reel for funniest home sex videos!
Fancy footwork, slips, trips, and falls
Always be sure of your footing and support! I’ve broken beds before in the heat of the moment. It was kind of funny, but very uncomfortable to sleep in afterwards. If it is a waterbed, you don’t want to spring a leak! (I’ve had that experience too.) Be sure your bedding is firm and supportive. This is one reason I like doing it on carpeted floor, but watch out for rug burns! Knee pads can help out here.
How about the steamy, sexy interlude in the shower? You know how guys like to watch girls soaping their bodies up, rubbing their breasts, and pussy, and butt . . . It’s very tempting to join in the fun with some rubbing of your own. Imagine the surprise (and loss of the moment) when you or she suddenly slips and takes a header into the side of a hard porcelain tub. That could be good for a trip to the ER. Showers will always be slippery when wet, be it water, soap, shampoo, oils, or other bodily fluids, and this can be a real hazard. I recommend installing anti-slip pads if you like shower sex. And be sure to hose everything down when you’re done.
Hot tubs, swimming pools, and the beach can provide the setting for many hot and erotic encounters. Mind your exposure time in the hot tub. Steaming is for lobsters, not people! If your girlfriend wants to “go down, down under” be sure she comes up for air regularly. And watch out for hair or other body appendages getting sucked into filter intakes. (Although it’s probably OK if it’s a bikini bottom.) As usual, watch out for wet floors and decks. On the beach, watch out for sun and sand. Bad burns and abrasions do not make for a happy experience.
Toys: If you put it in, make sure you can take it out!
This especially applies to anal toys. Screw this one up and you are guaranteed an ER visit! Do not disable safety features on toys designed to hold them in place.
Lubricate all moving parts
Your car engine will seize up without oil. Fucking isn’t that bad, but you can do quite a bit of damage without proper lubrication, especially anal. If the woman partner is not naturally lubricious, use of KY jelly or other personal lubricants is highly recommended. When using toys, lube is always recommended.
Here’s a scary vision: You know you didn’t use enough lube when you take off the condom and take off a layer of skin off with it! When using condoms, lube is very important to keep things going smoothly. I also recommend avoiding the ribbed or studded condoms unless you really need them. They can do a lot of damage too.
After childbirth, many women have looser vaginas, so lubrication issues may not be as much of a problem. (This is where you may want the ribbed condoms.) But it’s always a good idea to have lube on hand. And for guys, lube can be the first line of defense against premature ejaculation, with or without a condom.
Just because you can fit your whole fist inside, doesn’t mean you have to
Enough said. Try not to go to extremes with things. Don’t insert large glass object (e.g. wine bottles). If these break you have a really serious problem on your hands (and elsewhere).
Electo-Stim: If it’s electric, make sure it has an off switch and you can reach it!
Think about these words. Let them roll off your tongue: ELEK-tro-stim. Electricity plus genital stimulation, what could possibly go wrong here? First, don’t be cheap! Buy something commercially made (preferably UL listed) not something homemade. Second, as the title says, if it’s electric make sure there is an off switch and you can reach it to turn things off in an emergency. This applies to general purpose vibrators as well. When using electro-stim devices, be particularly careful with the anal probes. Many of these have small bases and can be easily sucked inside. See comments about “if you put it in, be sure you can get it out”. (Though tricky to use, I hear these e-stim anal probes can produce super awesome ejaculations in men.)
Speaking of super awesome orgasms, that brings us to -
Auto Erotic Asphyxiation
There’s a mouthful! Whatever you do, please don’t do this alone!!! It’s also a good idea to have a partner on hand who is skilled in CPR.
Mega dildoes, Louisville Sluggers, etc
Ladies (and gents) be very careful here. This relates to the “just because you can put your fist in . . .” Try not to overdo things and be careful about over-penetration with any of these oversized appendages.
By the way, I’ve seen some movies / videos, where the guy must have at least a three foot cock, and I’m not kidding. I think there was actor called “Rambone” and there was another clip with a black guy that was similarly large. Are these for real? These would make an interesting side topic for an episode of Bones.
I know that they make fake “super cock” appendages, some of which squirt fake cum. There are video series & websites out there that specialize in this. It’s a bit fake though. See also Futanari for similar concepts; look it up on a web search. Quite interesting!
Sexual stimulants / drugs / supplements: Know your body
(This could be a whole blog topic in itself.)
If you want to try a new supplement or drug, test a small dose beforehand, in the safety of your home, with a phone nearby in case you need to call 9-1-1. This way, if anything goes wrong, it’s only a minor embarrassment, not a total humiliating embarrassment.
Generally, don’t mix vast quantities of alcohol with any of these supplements or drugs. We do not want to recreate “Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas”! One or two drinks may be OK, but again that depends strongly on the individual. If you think you will be in a situation where you will be taking these supplements and possibly consuming alcohol, you need to test this beforehand in a safe environment. Think ahead! Be a designated driver if that’s what it takes to ensure you won’t be tempted to drink.
Obviously, you should consult a physician about your health before trying any prescription meds, and be sure you do not have any other interfering medical conditions. Even if you do get a prescription, best to try it out first on a “test run” and not on that big date, just in case something goes wrong.
Penis Pumps: Only if they are Swedish made
This is definitely one of those, “if I do this and something goes wrong, will I end up in the ER”. Just be careful and don’t overdo it. Follow instructions! I guess these things do work, but I was always too afraid to try one. They are also fairly expensive. (What with the Euro exchange rate and all.)
Of course, no discussion of safety would be complete without the topic of “contractor safety”.
Ladies, let’s say you’ve got the plumber cumming over to clean the pipes. Perhaps the cable guy is there to lay down some cable. Maybe the pool boy is stopping by (in tight shorts and all) with his long pole to get all hot and sweaty on your patio. Or maybe you need the services of an electrician to fix your switch and get the juice flowing again.
All these may be hot and erotic encounters. Let’s face it, these guys have big, powerful, tools, and know how to use them. Even their cordless tools are impressive.
(I digress a bit. Which adult toy company will be first to introduce rechargeable lithium ion battery vibrators? Li ion tools pack some serious power, and this will add a whole new dimension to auto-erotic pleasure. Heed warnings discussed under electric safety.)
Back to the contractors. If one of the guys gets hurt “on the job” but “off the clock” he may not be covered by workman’s comp. Look out for your contractors, and they’ll be cumming back for more.
In closing, let’s summarize the key points here:
1. If I do what I am planning to do, will I end up in the ER? If yes, reconsider.
2. If you can slip, you probably will. Watch your step and be sure of the stability of your play surfaces. We all want to be hip while fucking, and not end up needing a new hip!
3. Sex in water is great, just don’t drown. Mind the time limit in hot tubs, and use sunscreen.
4. If you put it in, be sure you can take it out!
5. Lubrication makes everything work better
6. Just because you can put your fist in, doesn’t mean you have to. Try not to overdo things.
7. If it’s electric, make sure it has an off switch and you can reach it!
8. Don’t practice auto-erotic-asphyxiation alone! Probably best not to practice it at all.
9. Try all new “medications” before the “big night” out.
10. Be careful with mega-toys. Some of these are meant to be “novelties”.
11. Only use penis pumps made in Sweden, and make sure to fill out the registration card.
12. Watch out for your contractor, and he will be sure to keep his eyes on you.