I’m having sex. I had sex for the first time when I was 18. I lied and told him I wasn’t a virgin, that I’d had sex before with a previous girlfriend. I didn’t enjoy it with him and mostly, it was to stop bothering me. So, in a way, I was another of those teens that gave up their virginity due to pressure from their partner. I had never wanted to have sex with him, I never even wanted to date him. I knew I wasn’t gay but there was something… I think I just felt comfort in having someone who cared for me the way he did for me.
This time it’s different. I’m having sex with a woman and I’m 21. It’s only now that I’ve slowly come around to the idea that I lost my virginity at 18 and not 3 weeks ago. I don’t know why I’ve been in denial for so long but if I had to guess, I’d say it’s because I’m ashamed of the person I was when I dated him. I lied to everybody I knew, including him. Now, I don’t lie. I didn’t lie. I’ve started lying to her and so I’m forced to wonder whether it’s because I’m in a relationship and that’s what I’ve come to expect from being in a relationship, to resort to lying to my partner? Or maybe I’m simply abusing the trust she has in me for the sake of abuse? I don’t know but it’s not a good thing, I know I will be found out sooner or later but sometimes I can’t help myself.
She had sex with my friend. I gave him 2 condoms so he could sleep with her. We weren’t having sex at that point and I never thought we would be. He was only there for a weekend. Around 2 weeks later, I noticed the groundwork was being set for me and her to clash. I’ve known her for 3 years but we’d never really spoken until I got off of the bus on a Friday. We spoke and it was our first true friendly conversation. I left and I thought “something’s going on.”
We spoke over the internet and it mostly revolved around her ex-boyfriend, I lent my shoulder as the metaphorical pillow to rest on. I made a leap and told her to text message me if she ever wanted to talk. I didn’t have her number and I knew she didn’t have mine. It was a test. I’m not good at communicating with women and I’m worse at beginning a relationship, sexual or not. She sent me a text message. This told me that she had wanted to carry on our conversation, that she had purposefully set out to find my phone number (it wasn’t too difficult, it was on my Facebook page, but it required active searching, which is what I wanted from her) and so I responded.
Her ex-boyfriend lives next door to her in the student accommodation we live in. They broke up around 6 - 9 months ago. I was never really close with her or him so I don’t know for definite nor do I know the exact details as to their demise. Now they live next door to one another. Since we’ve started having sex, he has tried to move out of the corridor but to no avail (there are no more empty rooms in the building).
I’m a jealous person by nature. I’m suspicious of everything and everyone and this is only heightened when I’m in a relationship or, more accurately, when I care about someone. I can’t admit this to a person or even vocally to myself but I do care about her. It’s evident from the way I’ve reacted in the past few days. She cares about me too, it’s also evident from the way she has acted.
I’m not bothered by her ex-boyfriend. I have enough sense to know that she only sees him as a friend by now even if his intentions are not so plutonic. She has told me that his parents are fond of her even after they have broken up and I think he feels pressured into finding someone as good as or better than her if not her all over again. Due to the proximity of their living arrangement I am slightly suspicious of their activities but only in a shallow nagging way, by no means does my heart start to race and my emotions dip to the level of one step away from potential suicide. In fact, every slight suspicion I have had of this girl has been smitten by something she has said or further research on my part.
I admit, I have always been one to ‘Facebook-Stalk’ and this activity has only been heightened since being with this girl. Looking on her Facebook profile I noticed what seemed like a friend from home talking to her about coming here to see her. My thoughts were frenzied at this as he could be a potential love interest who lives near her at home so making courtship that much easier. I fretted until one day when she spoke of her friends from back home. This included a gay friend of hers who happened to be the person on her Facebook profile. Crisis averted.
On Monday, I was spending time with a male friend. We headed onto campus where I had a seminar and I left him in a nearby bar with the intention to go back and have a few drinks with him. As I entered the bar after my seminar I see her sat with a man. My friend was sat only a few spaces further down. I was immediately jealous of this man. His jaw line is much more defined than mine and he manages to pull off the unshaven stubble without much effort and without looking, quite simply, like an unshaven adult. It looks like he wants it there. His face is thinner and so I don’t have to describe any more than I already have, he’s better looking than me. She sees me and looks surprised. I explain I was there to see my friend, not her but even so she offers me a seat with her and her male friend. I decline, get a drink and sit down with my friend. We kiss, me and her and I wonder is she kissing me out of affection or to affirm, to me, our relationship. Further, is it to explain to this man (who, out of blinding suspicion, I deduce she must be having an affair with) that I am with her and thus he cannot make any sexual remarks to her in my presence. I finish my drink but my mind is wandering and spiraling out of control and so I leave. I say my goodbyes and the man introduces himself. I now feel like a bastard as to how I handled myself as I later found out, through ‘Facebook-Stalking’ that he is already in a relationship with her friend and that they are merely friends and nothing more. Crisis averted.
I don’t deserve to be with her because of the way I have been acting. I should not be this suspicious, I should be more trusting but I am not. I have female friends who I spend time with and yet I think nothing of it. In the same way, I deduce that she feels the same way about her male friends.
And now I feel like I must press on to the major issues that have been troubling me but at the same time, showcase in as many ways possible as to why I think she cares about me in more ways than ‘just sex’.
The first major embarrassing moment happened when we had been with each other numerous times. In a rush to put the condom on, I never rolled it fully down. It merely covered the head of my penis and not much of the shaft. When I pulled out, I was not wearing the condom. Although I knew straight away what the problem was, I acted shocked and surprised, mimicking her reactions. I wanted to tell her but I was embarrassed, it was one of my first experiences at having sex but I didn’t want her to know. She doesn’t know she is the first woman I have slept with. I don’t want her to know that I am highly inexperienced compared to the vast majority of my age-group. Eventually it dawned on her and she removed the condom from inside her. I merely cringed.
Around two weeks after we started having sex, we made a stupid mistake. We fooled around naked on her bed and, ignoring the alarm bells going off in my head, we had sex without a condom. It didn’t last long, I came almost immediately although I tried to continue for a few more minutes to make it seem slightly worthwhile. I voiced my concerns to her and we both agreed it was a foolish error. Since then, I haven’t even considered unprotected sex. For the rest of the day I was worried. How do I approach the subject of contraception with her? Do I ask her if she has taken the Morning After Pill or do I leave the subject alone and just hope it also plagues her mind to the point where she actively does something about it. I chose the second option and did not raise my voice. Thankfully, nature gave me the answer.
The next day (or perhaps the day after, either way it matters not) she came over to stay the night. We fooled around and I reached below when she stopped me. She was on her period. She came over to be with me when she knew we couldn’t do anything. She came over to be with me and not merely to have sex with me. She came over to be with me. When she told me she was on her period, high school biology raced through my head. The thoughts concluded that she could not be pregnant from our error in judgement. I was relieved.
We stayed together every night even though we could not have sex. When her menstruation period ceased, we had sex. I fingered her before sex. Later in the night, we were warming up again. I fingered her for the second time. When I pulled out, there was blood on my fingers. I wiped it off. We had been too hasty in our lust. I noticed something else was also on my fingers, an incredibly small fragment but it was there nonetheless.
For the next two nights, we only had sex twice. The first time I noticed a stain on my penis. I didn’t touch it in her presence, I just acted natural. She left for the toilet and I inspected the stain and cleaned my penis. There were two possible conclusions. Either the stains were fecal matter or they were coagulated blood. She had just been on her period and so I cheered for the ‘coagulated blood’ theory, hoping that it would reside after a few days. When I pulled out of her the second time I noticed the stains again, there were also tiny fragments attached to my pubic hair. When she left, I checked my penis. I checked my rectum as well to make sure it was clean in case it was fecal matter from me. The fragments, I am 90% sure, were fecal matter. It makes sense that they came from her than them coming from me as the vagina is close to the rectum. I cleaned myself off and I’m willing to do so again and again for her but I would much rather not have to (in the sense that I would much rather not have fecal matter on my penis after every time I have sex). I need to speak to her about this but I do not know how to raise it.
Obviously, we have already survived some rather embarrassing and awkward moments in our sex life but I still do not have the courage to speak up and question her in fear of her running away. I don’t want to be lonely. I enjoy having someone care for me. I hope one day I can care for her the way I want to. I think I am slightly too fucked up to admit my feelings to myself, let alone anyone else.