The past year has been difficult in that it was our experimentive year. I wanted to have a friend with benefits on the side and I wanted Hubs to be Ok with it. I wanted him to have the same thing.
He jumped us into the swinging world and it was way too much, way too fast. I kept telling him we should slow down. Take it bit by bit. Let's go out clubbing. Let's go out and scope out other people together.
He started arranging meetings with other couples. At first, I was glad that he was interested. It seemed that maybe I would get to fulfill my fantasies of being with other men. Not just to have sex, but to have a fun relationship. Hubs is not masculine. He's not muscular. He's not agressive. He is a great lover and I couldn't ask for a better partner. But I was missing something.
I'm just missing.... spice. I'm missing... passion. I'm missing... that feeling of being with someone who doesn't know my body.
During the year, we both pushed for what we wanted. I went out by myself. I met guys. I flirted. For the first time in my life, I really felt sexy. I realized I was a sucker for a compliment. Maybe that means the same as easy, though that's not to say I gave it up to everyone who said I had a nice smile. After awhile, it got overwhelming. Can't a girl just go out for a drink sometimes and not have anyone talk to her? One thing didn't change though.
I always came home to friction. First Hubs wanted to hear about my night. But it always ended up awkward. He always got upset. So we agreed that I wouldn't give him details. So, he ended up filling in the blanks with his imagination. Either way, I couldn't win. So I quit going out. I quit "making friends". I still encouraged Hubs to go out. I wanted him to feel as sexy as I did when someone was interested in me. It never happened for him.
Our swinging endeavors were very minimal. We played with a couple of guys and a few other couples. We didn't find what we were looking for. Hubs also had a performing issue. He just didn't want to be with anyone but me.
It was so confusing because I knew that I had the most fulfilling relationship with Hubs. But I enjoyed being with other men. The newness is what I liked. And the tease.
I don't get the tease with Hubs anymore.
Towards the beginning of summer this year, I took the kids on a trip. We were gone for 3 weeks. I was waiting to see how long it would take before I missed Hubs.
When I got home, we had some long discussions. We both admitted that we don't love each other. Not romantically. We are still each other's best friends. We're just.... friends. Is it because we dabbled outside of our marriage? I don't think so. For several years things had been on a low simmer.
But I'm still drawn... to what's out there. I don't play now. But I want to. I want to feel the hot breath of a man all over my body. I want to hear him gasp as I explore his body. Hear him say, "How did you learn to do that?" I want to feel him shudder as he enters me for the first time. I want to feel his hands through my hair and hot kisses on my mouth.
I want to feel that with Hubs.... but I don't.