I'm not sure that I can describe the way I am feeling right now. I've had some strong feelings for the last few years, for a particular guy. I've blogged about him numerous times. I've vented about him here. We can't stay away from one another.
Last you knew, I was "swearing him off" and trying to get over him. I guess in some ways, it had the desired effect. He has seemed to "wake up". I've yet to have sex with him, it has been many months that he's been trying to get me back into his bed. I've stayed strong. He's still there. Still trying. The man who swears up and down he doesn't chase women - is chasing me. The pursuit has been on for weeks now, and he's turning up the heat.
A couple of nights ago, I almost gave in. I was planning on going to see him. He was practically begging me, promising me we could just sleep. Watch movies. Whatever I wanted to do. I gave in, I got in my car. And I ended up sitting in a Circle K parking lot having a panic attack. I don't speak of my past to many people, but a couple of things happened to me when I was a teenager that have made a few things difficult for me. I have an irrational fear of driving alone, especially in the dark, to unfamiliar places. I had "beat" this fear for him before. But it took me an hour longer to get there than it should have, more than once. I had fibbed to him and told him I took a different route that took longer than expected, or I was delayed in leaving, etc. I was "past" that, I had been to his place enough times that I knew my way around the area, and even in the dark I was able to quell my fears to get to him. But, now he's moved. He's a bit further away than he was before, and this night would have bee my very first time trying to find his new apartment. My phone was almost dead, and I don't own a car charger. My tires are bad on my car. All of these things were flying through my head and I broke down. I sat in that parking lot, my hand gripping my phone until my fingers turned white.
I can't tell you how many times I pulled his name up on the contact list, my fingers poised over the "call" button. I wasn't sure I could tell him what I needed to tell him, on the phone. I felt it was time to come clean, maybe he'd understand better all the times that things came up and I couldn't meet him, all the times I was late, etc. And I cried, as I sat there, knowing I wasn't strong enough to beat it this night. I wanted to see him so badly, it felt like an ache throughout my entire body. Finally, I gave up on trying to call. Nearly 20 minutes had passed that I sat in that parking lot, my breathing began to even, and the shaking subsided enough that I could text him. I sent him a text telling him not to say anything until I finished or I may not be able to say it all. He listened, and I explained everything. The two things that happened in my past, the consequences of them. The times I had "lied" about why I wasn't there, why I couldn't come, why I showed up an hour after I was supposed to. It felt so good to tell him that the first time I ever drove to his apartment in the dark, I was an hour late because I had stopped twice to calm myself, ward off severe panic attacks. That beating it for him felt liberating. He has helped me to heal from this, helped me to get over it.
A few years ago, I wouldn't have driven to Cleveland. I didn't drive on the freeway until I was nearly 20 years old. I was terrified. I had a bad experience when I was 16 and I got a flat tire. A man stopped to help me, and tried to force me out of my car. This was actually more traumatizing to me than 4 months prior to that, when I was sexually assaulted in my own home by a man who came to pick up an appliance my family had sold to him. I have more lasting effects from the guy who didn't manage to get me out of my car. Probably because he was really mean, really rough, saying mean things to me. Threatening me. The other guy was just a pervert, and rather than fight, I cried and begged him not to hurt me. He didn't get very far with the assault before he stopped, thankfully. It could have been way worse.
Long story short, I've never told anyone. I've never felt the need to. My family knows, and my best friend knows some of these things, but not all of them. And now S does too. It took all my strength to tell him these things. I know some men can view women who have had experiences like this as "used" or "dirty" in some way and have hang ups about it. I don't have any issues related to sex. I wasn't raped. I just do not like being put into situations where I may be vulnerable. I won't allow repair men into the house when i'm alone. I don't answer the door for Jehova Witnesses. I don't like driving alone, all I can think about is my car breaking down and being stuck on the side of the road.
Over the last two years, there were a lot of times that S has gotten upset with me. Or thought that I didn't want to see him. When really I was too afraid to drive to him. Too afraid to drive that long drive, for one reason or another. Now that he knows, I feel like a weight has been lifted. All those times that I felt terrible for making excuses used to weigh on me.
I have been in love with him for a long time. He doesn't know this yet. Though, it doesn't take a scientist to figure it out. But, what I am feeling right now, is new. I have this deep seated feeling in my gut that something GOOD is going to happen. I'm no longer dreading what's going to come next. I'm not fearing that he's going to disappear. We've cleared up so many different things over the last two weeks, the communication lines are wide open for the first time in a long time.
I could be deluding myself, but over the last two weeks he's explained, in great detail, what he's doing each day. This was stuff that he usually kept to himself, for one reason or another we never really discussed these details. I always knew he was a busy man, and I've actually admired it. But I guess I never quite understood. He's on the road, all the time. Pretty much. And not just for his music career, for his "day job" too. Yes, he does both. Some of you may not know that. And I never really knew exactly what he did for a day job. I knew he traveled, did consulting of some sort, taught people, wrote speeches, etc. But i wasn't exactly sure "what for". I now know all about it. I feel enlightened. I bet i'm not the only one saying "Aha, that explains it"
I knew this wasn't the end. Right now, I don't see it coming anytime soon. We will probably never be together in any serious capacity considering everything stacked against us. But I have never felt so good about it as I do now.
This may change by tomorrow, if it follows the same pattern. But it feels different this time. I have seen how caring he can be when he lets those walls down. Telling him what I did, was the hardest thing I've done in my life. Having him accept it, understand it, and care... I've never felt better.
It makes me wonder, some say there is a purpose for everyone in this world. People say that everything happens for a reason. Could it be that I fell in love with a man who I have to work to get together with, I have to DRIVE to be with, and who I want to pick fights with my demons for, so that I can be there for support in his career... so that I had a reason to get over this? Was he sent to me to save me from a life of never enjoying the city because i'm afraid to drive to it? Without him, I would have never learned the joys of a night in the city. Without him, I wouldn't have ever driven there. Ever. Period.
He has helped me, immensely, already. Before he even knew about it. I can drive to Cleveland now, without freaking out. Especially if I know where i'm going. I still get nervous and shaky at times. I still won't go to his shows alone. But i've driven to his apartment a lot in the past. It's just like I had to take a step back, now that he's moved somewhere new. I couldn't get past knowing I was going into the unknown. It's kind of silly. But at least he knows now, and I don't have to make excuses anymore. Last night we spoke a lot more and he "left the door open" to me, figuratively and literally. He let me know that i'm always welcome there, and whenever I want to try to beat this, he'll be there for me waiting. Of course, this isn't 100% true because he's always off doing something, but it's the thought that counts. As long as we can both be available, during the day, when it's not dark, i'm sure i'll be fine to drive there for the first time.
I think it goes without saying that i'm not "over" him. Not even close. But I am stronger. I know what needs to be done. I know what can't happen. I can't give in. It's apparent so far, I've done the right thing. It has worked. Things are changing. It feels completely different. I feel this tingling feeling deep inside my gut. It's a good feeling, I don't want it to go away. I need to see him again. Soon. I would almost prefer it's the quiet intimacy of his home. Because, there's more I need to say. I may have come clean, but not completely. I can do it now, I know I can. And I will.
I can't wait for daylight savings time.
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