I know I have been rather quiet lately, truth is I've attempted to take a step outside of myself. Over the last few months I've been trying to make myself into a relationship kind of girl. At first it wasn't so bad, until I started feeling suffocated. I should have known this would happen, being that this is the same guy I have been off and on with for ages. I love him to bits, he is a great guy - but he's not a great guy for me. He's perfectly content to do nothing but sit at home, day after day. He doesn't care if we live in a dump, while I am working my butt off to fix the place up on my own. He doesn't trust me to go out and have fun, he calls me as soon as I leave and has to know what i'm doing every second.
I am having the hardest time, I literally tried so hard to make this work that I don't even feel like myself anymore. Eventually my friends got me to start going out again. I was avoiding bars, and avoiding one of my passions - live music, because I didn't want it to remind me of my ex lover. I have been beating myself up trying to get over him for a long time now. Also, it was just easier not to go anywhere because my boyfriend is so controlling. But, my friends could see me slowly disinegrating, and they put a stop to it. At first it was great. I actually got to go see said ex lover many times, just as friends. It didn't really hurt, and it wasn't awkward. But... Now over the last few weeks, I've gone out every weekend. I'm drinking way too much. I'm drunk almost all the time now, when I'm not at work. I realize just how depressed I am, and it makes me very upset. Normally I am a social drinker.
I could deal with this, I am a strong person. But over the last few weeks, something has slowly begun to happen. I have stood up to my boyfriend, telling him point blank this isn't working for me and I am done. I told him it was over a little over a week ago. He insisted things would change. I told him until they do, which I don't believe for a second will happen, I am living for me and me alone. I am not living this way. I have begun to take the steps to move back in with my mom, and while he's not happy about it - i almost feel like he couldn't care less. Either he really doesn't believe me, or he doesn't give a shit. What kills me about this, is I truly did one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life - for him. To make it work. And it didn't make any difference.
Anyway, my friends have been pushing me to leave him. They say he's not good for me at all. I know he isn't. It was a mistake to let it go on this long. I have been very ill, having a ton of health issues, a TON of medical bills to come right along with it. He isn't supportive, he doesn't even care. But I'm done talking about that.
My friends. Well, my lovely friends decided it would be a good idea to sort of take matters into their own hands. Last Friday night, I was home, pretty ill. I felt like shit. I was fighting with the guy, arguing over me leaving (what i'm going to take, when i'm going to go). The stress of that just makes me sicker. I ended up calling my friend and talking to her for awhile. After we hung up, we continued texting. Eventually, I get a text that says...
"Hey, I just saw S posted on facebook that he took a last minute show, it's not too far away. I know we work at six in the morning, but I think we should go."
Ugh. S is the ex lover, of course. I told her I didn't feel good and she insisted that if I got out of the house, I would feel better. Grudgingly, I got up and got dressed and ran and picked her up, even though we got there after the show was halfway over. I have to admit, a part of me instantly felt better at the prospect of seeing this guy.
So, we got there and he immediately stopped playing to take his break. He came right over to us and started plying us with drinks. Here, i'm just going to paste from an email that I had sent to a friend asking her advice... so forgive me for the cussing!!! LOL I'll try to edit out most of it.
He came up behind me and started rubbing my shoulders saying "Holy shit, you're tense." and wanted to know what was wrong. I just told him I wasn't feeling well. Next question (naturally, lol idiot) was "how's the fiance?" I lost it. I told him to fucking knock it off, he's not my fiance and I don't want to hear a word about him, especially not from him of all people). He was sooo fucking hyper it didn't even phase him much, he played it off trying to joke around with me and cheer me up, but I think he was shocked that I was so defensive about it when before I just let it go in one ear and out the other.
So, he buys another drink for me. Not smart when you haven't eaten in 48 hours. Again, he was HYPER. I mean I have never seen him so happy and just... hyper! He was bouncing around, humming, smiling, laughing, cracking joke after joke (normal for him, but this was even more than usual). He was making some sexual comments, which I was surprised of. He's stayed away from them lately, doing as I asked him to do. But lets see, i told him I wanted some of his energy and he said "Would you like me to pump some of my sexually transmitted caffeine into you?" I said umm, I don't want any of your sexually transmitted anything, thank you! So he says "Okay, let me rephrase. Would you like me to pump my caffeinated love seed into your lady passage?" LOL Another one was my phone being dead, I had it plugged into the charger the whole way there but apparently it hadn't charged for whatever reason. He says "You can plug your phone into my charger......" "Orrr better yet, I can plug my phone into YOUR charger." Lol little things like that, making me laugh but edging way more on sexual than normal, and a lot more touchy feely.
I got a new tattoo, it's music notes going across my foot. At one point he took my foot in his lap as he deciphered what each note was, lightly trailing a finger across my foot. They are just random notes, not a song or anything, and he was telling me what notes they'd actually be based on their position on the bar lines, know what I mean. I wanted to die, he can't touch me - it does weird things to my insides. And I have been so sexual deprived, just having him touch my foot was enough to have me quivering.
Anyway, he plied us with drinks and then went back to play for awhile, he played until midnight because he had talked to us for so long. Some really drunk guy started buying us drinks at that point, but I was in a ton of pain, the alcohol was like making my stomach burn, so I was giving half of them to Crystal and drinking what I could (I felt bad, the guy was spending money on us, never said a word to us or anything, just bought us drinks over and over - I didn't want to waste them).
Effectively, i was tipsy. A little more than, but not drunk. And I had my wits about me, but neverless... drumroll. Beware, I am a bad bad person....
Show ends, he loads up his car, we talk awhile longer at the bar, finishing our drinks. I said I was feeling crappy so I wanted to go, and he offered to walk us out. I carried a few of his leftover things for him so at the trunk of his car, we stood there kind of awkwardly for a minute. Then he actually held out his arms and asked for a hug. I was surprised by that, last few times we kinda awkwardly said goodbye without hugs or anything, and if we did hug, it was usually at my initiative. But, when his arms went around me, they stayed there, and he just like... held me. His smell just completely engulfed me and I wanted to cry, he smelled so appealing - his usual cologne with a hint of alcohol. Strangely appealing! lol. ......
So, he's just like hugging/holding me and he says 'Everything will be okay.' - nothing else. Real quiet in my ear. Then he shifts a little and pulls C into the hug and says "group hug, everybody!" (back to his goofy hyper self). Then he pulled back and looked at us and jokingly said "Group kiss, perhaps?" we laughed and C flashed her wedding ring and said "Married, remember?" He was still holding me, with his arm around her. He said "And here I thought I got you drunk enough. I know I don't have to get Amber drunk." (FUCKING SMARTASS, haha) She's like "You don't have to get me drunk to kiss her." Totally egging him on (she is actually bi lol). So he says "Well, I think maybe I'll kiss her instead." First I thought, oh, he's not gonna take her up on the girl on girl kiss??? And then my stomach plummeted down to my toes. I'm like oh fuck. Oh no. Oh God. He looked at me to gauge my reaction, but I wasn't reacting at all. I was scared shitless and riveted to the spot. He still had C in one arm and his other around my waist, he pulled me to tuck me into his body so I was like by his shoulder, and he totally went in for the kiss. I died a little. I swear to God, I came undone. Everything I've worked for the last however many months, gone. Didn't matter. I vaguely recall C pulling away, forgotten. His hands found their way into my hair and he was kissing me SO passionately, I don't know if he's ever kiss me that way before. We actually both kinda went weak, because we stumbled backwards a little and my back ended up against the trunk of his car. I pulled away first, I felt like I was going to fall. I was so weak in the knees and my head was spinning (not from the alcohol, swear! just from him). When i pulled away his eyes were closed and he was smiling a little, and he looked so pleased. I fell completely in love all over again. He didn't let me go, he took my face in his hands and kissed me again before I could even think of what to do next. Somehow I ended up a giggling, blubbering mess. C was laughing too. Then S was laughing, too. And it was just all so horrible and comical and GREAT all at the same time. Amongst the laughing, he asked her if he could "please borrow me for a minute." To my horror (I asked her to make sure I do nothing stupid, this is her job lol) she says "Amber, give me your car keys." I was like...!!! What!!! but I did, i gave her my fucking keys, and S led me backwards to the passenger seat of his car. He kissed me a few times, and I was so fucking wild all the sudden, I was biting his lips and I think I was moaning in pure frustration. He opened the door for me and I had a moment where i paused and wanted to refuse. He took my wrists and pinned them against the top of the doorway and said "Get in." And when I didn't comply he added "Please, amber?" So i did. I got in.
He went around to his side and then he was on me. He has never kissed me this way. Ever. He was leaning over to my side and his hands were everywhere, my ass, then under my shirt, in my hair. He has never ever ever been that way with me. I remember once I begged him to touch me, it's like he's afraid to touch me. Not this time. He was simply all over me. We were in a parking lot. C was literally 10 feet away in my car. There were people milling around everywhere. There were lights, it wasn't dark. And my shirt was off. And he was growling at me how much he missed me. He made a comment. "those pawprints..." and kissed them, then said "You don't know how badly i've wanted to get my paws on you." LOL Ugh. We just kissed and kissed and I felt so vulnerable. I always kept a wall up with him. I never told him how I felt or what I'm thinking. I was just clinging to his neck and when he'd let me up to breathe I was just gushing "I've missed you, too." and "You drive me crazy." and "I can't stop wanting you." and all this other stuff. I have no idea what came over me. Or him. Before, I had to TELL him that I need assertiveness and dominance, and what i like - being submissive, told what to do, etc. But he just was growling, no other word for his voice, but a growl. And then the mad crazy insane making out stopped and he just looked down at me. He just stared at me and I at him and I just wanted to say it, I wanted to tell him how hard it's been for me all this time because I love him. But I didn't. Not the right time. But he just stopped, and he pulled me up from where I was squished down in the seat, and he sat in his kind of normally, and pulled me to him. He rubbed his hand down my back a minute as our breathing steadied a little, then he slid it into the back of my jeans and cupped my ass. He was looking at me, I had my head on his shoulder and was just looking up at him. Nothing else existed. He was just staring into my eyes and they didn't waver as he said "I want to fuck you." It was in the smallest voice, pained, uncertain. Then he lowered it even more and whispered, still looking at me "You still want me?" My voice came out squeaky and high pitched, but my "yes" was audible enough. He relaxed, like it was a relief to hear it. So I asked "You still want me?" because hearing it felt so good. He answered "Of course I do." as if it was the stupidest question I could have ever asked. I wanted him so bad at that moment that nothing at all mattered, not the consequences or anything. But we just sat like that for a span of time. I thought of C sitting in my car. I thought of my "kinda-sorta-ex-boyfriend", and my life - my horses, my dogs. But it was all vague and I couldn't seem to grasp the thoughts to hang on to them long enough to really let the enormity of what had happened settle on me.
And then, I cried. I was literally crying and laughing at the same time. When I started crying, it made me laugh. He was miffed, but smiling over it. He kissed me again and asked me, "Can I make love to you right here, right now?" The thought was appealing, but i had no idea how it would work and said as much. But my hand slid to his extremely hard cock and again, I couldn't think straight. I began to touch him and I told him I wanted him but most of all i wanted to please him. He was almost arguing with me! How many times have i "serviced" him without an ounce of pleasure for myself without complaint? But for some reason, he wanted to fuck. He was almost in pain over it, as i touched him and he squirmed in pleasure, he took his hand off my ass and out of my pants and slid them between my legs "But I want you." He said, rubbing me. I was probably soaked right through. I got closer to him, my hands playing with him, and I told him he could have me. Just not right then, my friend was in the car waiting on me adn I was going to be in enough deep shit as it was. Then I went down on him. Time seemed to sit still but I kept thinking "Poor C."
I don't know how long, but he stopped me and pushed me back against my seat and undid my jeans, pulling them down just enough for access. he rubbed me for a few minutes, his eyes growing heavy and then he placed my hand there. I rubbed myself as he reached over and pulled the lever to lay my seat back. Somehow we ended up kinda there together, anyone walking past would have seen us, but I dont think anyone did at that moment. He was stroking, I was rubbing, his cock kept touching my stomach. He purred "You're so beautiful..." which is literally one of the first ever compliments like that i think he's ever given me. Then I started to beg for him to cum, I didn't care where or how, but I wanted to taste it, feel it, it didn't matter. When he called out with that first wave of climax, I completely lost it, an almost effortless orgasm. Just feeling his warmth all over my stomach. Omg. He actually had a little on his finger, and he held it out to me and i took his finger in my mouth, tasting him. His eyes were so heavy, so full of pleasure and desire and something else - like when you are trying to reach an itch and you can't get it and you finally do, or something. Just relief, I guess.
He had cum all over me in a car in a busy parking lot and my friend was waiting for me. I couldn't believe it, honestly. But I couldn't stop laughing, lol. I was a giggling mess. He actually pulled a nice clean dress shirt off of a hanger in his backseat so I could clean up. He held my shirt hostage. He didn't seem to want me to go, but I told him I had to. He finally gave me my shirt, and I found my purse which had somehow disappeared under the seat. We just sat staring at eachother, and then I said "Can I have another kiss before I go?" We rarely kiss goodbye. he said "Of course" and with as much passion as before, he held my face to his and would barely let me go. When I opened the door he reached over to stop me and asked me when I was going to come see him. I told him to call me. When I got out of the car i was disheveled, my hair tie had gotten lost somewhere in the chaos. It looked like we had banged something fierce. I stumbled to my car, my knees were so weak and I felt as light as a feather. When I got to the car, I shit you not, I got in and completely crumbled, laughing near to hysterics.
It was amazing.
Anyway, I have held strong and have made many arrangements over the last few days. I hope to be moved out by October-ish. It seems like a long time from now, and I just want to go now but I can't. I hope I can remain friends with my "boyfriend", but i highly doubt that is going to happen. It has NOTHING to do with what happened in that car.
Because, with S, it's right back to the same thing. He fucking begged me to come fuck him, and then he ignores me when I try to arrange it. I got so mad at him this time, I deleted him off of my facebook. I doubt he's noticed yet, but when (if) he does, he's probably going to be mad. I don't care. I don't need that in my life. I love him SO fucking much, I would do anything for him. But I deserve so much better than that. He knows I was upset, we got in a fight - I told him I do not like feeling like I am throwing myself at somebody that isn't interested. I know he IS, but something happens to him when we are apart. It's out of sight, out of mind. He completely wigged out on me about how he's so busy, it's nothing to do with me. It's his lifestyle, he can't call me or text me when he's promoting or practicing or he's at work or he's in the studio. Blah blah blah, I just wanted to tell him hello, newsflash, you aren't justin fucking timberlake and i'm sure even he has time for sex.
Long story short, I have no idea what is going to happen. I am in love with one guy, stuck living with another one, and in about a month, I will have absolutely nothing. Just the clothes on my back and a rented room in my moms house. Going to be fucking great.
So, be prepared for me to be here, writing these blogs for something to vent about. I'll try to make them sexy if I can, but I doubt much sexiness is going to be happening to me for awhile.
Thanks for listening...
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