I guess a lot of this has to do with Facebook. But also, the beach and meeting men there, meeting men at work, flirting, etc
Perhaps it has something to do with my new found confidence. I've lost weight but that was gradual over the last year, and this is all (or seems to be)more recent. I find that i have a lot of options for dating if i chose to do so, old classmates of mine plus men I've met recently. I'm a little more open to the idea now. I've tried the Friends with benefits thing and I managed to fall in love, so I'm not sure I want to go down that particular road again. I haven't quite stepped off that path, but i'm veering in a different direction now.
I am here to try to organize my thoughts, and alongside that - share a little with my lovely friends here. Any advice about the following is welcome.
An old classmate of mine, D, has been trying to get my number for probably 8 months. I finally gave it to him a few days ago. In high school we weren't very good friends, i viewed him and his brother as kind of snobby, but i was just jealous. D is a hard working man, his family owns a business in the area and they make very good money but they are also very busy. D just turned 22 in May, has his own home, and a nice car. He is blonde, I believe he has blue eyes. He's a very "cute" guy and looks really young. He's very sweet to me, we started talking again at my old job (professionally, not personally) and then he used myspace to let me know he was interested in me. It was lame, but cute. It took this long for me to give him my number. We're just talking as friends but he's expressed his interest. I haven't been able to "feel" it. He's adorable, he's sweet... but I don't desire him or find myself excited to talk to him. I was hoping I could give myself a little push in that direction and make it happened but i'm failing miserably. There's not much not to like about him, but I feel like i'm trying to get into one of my little brothers friends or something, even though he's only a year younger than I am. One thing that I really like about D is that he plays guitar, is very into music, and loves a lot of the same stuff that I do (Dylan, Cash, etc). This is pretty important to me, as silly as that seems.
Then, suddenly, there's P. P and I were also classmates, but I saw a lot of him outside of school also. His younger sister was one of my very best friends, part of our "trio" in high school. He used to chase me around the yard with snakes, he'd put sand down my pants, etc etc. He was always kind of "odd" in school, a goth if you will. He wore eyeliner, i remember one time the whole school was in an uproar because he wore pants that looked like a skirt. He'd wear fishnets on his arms. He was always trying to be the oddball. I had nothing against him at all, but back then I wouldn't have considered him in any way other than my friends older brother who was mean and contrary! He's two years older than me, but we share a birthday. Anyhow, a few nights ago P IM'ed me on facebook saying hello. He complimented me on my "new" appearance, and we got to talking about losing weight and things. P was always heavier, as was I. He gave me the "What are you talking about, you always had a hot little body." B.S. but, I listened to him tell me how he also changed his eating habits and works out daily now. I didn't think much of it, I felt kind of weirded out at first by hearing him talk like that about me. But then last night I got curious and went through his pictures. HOLY HELL! P has changed! P was always large, mostly just tall. So i broke down and asked, he's now 6'2 and 220 lbs of pure muscle. My God! He could toss me around with one arm. I found my interest rather peeked at his photos, but when he asked me for my number for the second time, i still skirted around the question I remembered how his sister had told me many years ago that he had pierced his cock. So i asked him about it, lol. He has a pierced cock, twice. And pierced nipples. Oh boy.
Then we have S, the man i am hopelessly in love with. S and I seem to be made for each other in many ways. S is everything i find attractive, all wrapped into one extremely frustrating man. We get along great when we are together, but when we're apart - which is a lot of the time because of the distance, it's like out of sight out of mind. He seems to forget i exist half of the time. He's distant and cold. But when we're together, he seems to be very happy. He is a musician, and i find his talent extremely arousing. I am there to support him, give advice, help him with decisions. I adore every second of it, I feel like i'm an important part of his world. When we're out and about together I feel like i'm on top of the world. I enjoy every second that I am with him. And the sex, is just amazing. He doesn't do anything special, we just have an explosive (quite literally) chemistry. I just wish i could crack into his shell, crawl into his very soul, and make myself a bed there. I'm beating against it but it's giving me a damn headache. Moving on is going to be so tough, but i think i'm ready. I don't know how i'll face the days, we've been friends for 5 years now, been "involved" for nearly 2 years. I don't think we can remain friends, and I'm not sure how i'll deal with that. It's been so long that he's been there in some way, losing him completely (and that's the only way i'll be able to really truly do it) is going to be one of the hardest things i've gone through in my entire life.
That's basically it, since i was too dumb to give Mr Red shorts from the beach my phone number. There are a few men at work who have been sniffing after me, but I don't think I could go there. So, let me ask my dear friends who are reading... what should i do? Should i continue talking to D and see if i can think of him as anyone other than the little brother of M from high school? Should I give P my number? I'm very curious about the pierced cock, but i think i'd hate it. I never imagined myself with him in any way, and i can't look past that either. I have a problem with my preconceived notions of people, i guess? Should I try to date around, not have sex, just spend time with others and see how i feel about S then? Or should i just get rid of him altogether, cry myself to sleep at night, and find somebody else?
Lets hear thoughts! I feel slightly overwhelmed at the attention i've been receiving lately and i'm not sure where to turn. This is all new to me.
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