I thought about that for a minute. It was all true, of course, but hearing that my plan to have a motionless, human pet was now totally fucked just made me think.....
"Tim....am I still your sole beneficiary?"
Ah Ha! I would just have to have a different role in Tim's death, and really, this particular role would be better for me, anyway. First, I had to find out what he wanted done with his remains.
"Okay," Tim said, in a perfectly measured tone, "what do you have in mind since I've taken the joy of killing me away from you?"
"It's brilliant, really. Takes care of you worrying about people thinking you're gay and makes me feel involved in your death too. That's called a win-win, Tim."
I could hear his horror swell up like a blood sucking tick right through the silence on his end.
"I'm going to throw you the biggest heterosexual-funeral-party anybody's ever seen! You can't be cremated because I'll need the body there."
"You're a deviant, you know that, right?"
"No, no, it's gonna be great! So, I'm going to have a themed funeral for you. A pussy themed funeral. Everything will be pussy pink. I'll have T shirts made for all the guests. Your picture on the front of the shirts, with your birth and death dates, and on the back they'll say "Tim. He sure did love pussy."
"You'll have a pussy pink colored coffin and I'll get the people who sew your eyes shut to sew your mouth into a little bit of a grin - I won't over do it because we all know you don't smile much - but I'll point out to everybody who comes by during the death march "Aw, he's still smiling. He must have been thinking about pussy when he died. He loved pussy you know?"
"You know they used to hire mourners to come to mean people's funerals, right? Well, I'm going to hire minglers instead of mourners."
"Yeah, minglers. They're going to mingle with the crowd and just casually bring up that they knew Tim well, and to know Tim is to know that Tim loved pussy. Each mingler will be tasked with making up a funny story about you and how this one time Tim loved pussy so much that blah blah blah."
"Oh and when I hand out the little program that has your picture on it there's going to be a surprise inside!"
"Don't interrupt me. No. I'm auctioning off your dignity on ebay. Anyway, the death pamphlets are going to be scratch and sniff....and guess what they're going to smell like?"
"No, Tim, those Reader's Digest versions of your life will smell like PUSSY!"
"You're having way too much fun with this," Tim said.
"Did I say I had changed my will? What I meant was, I was just thinking about changing my will. Tell you what, unplug me, leave me wired, I don't care."
"I get to be the executioner after all?" I asked.
"Either way I'll wish I were dead, so yes."