As I look at that window I think back of the many evenings I would lie in her bed with her lost in the unbelievable sensation of her body against mine. The kisses that she gave me that transported me to someplace I had never been before. I think of cold walks back to my apartment at 5 AM so I could shower and face the outrages of my education. I could do those hard last two years of my design education because I had the reassurance of long chats with her over coffee and the inspirational power of her sleepy warm embrace.
Those early years were marked by internal debates and questions that all new relationships experience. I read of similar self evaluation and angst here in the threads and blogs every day. J was very unsure of our relationship and whether marriage at 21 was a good idea for her; admittedly, I questioned less than she did. Part of the reason I was so sure was her presence. Her touch, her voice or the warmth of her against me in bed or her hand in mine as we walked across campus had a magical influence on me. It stirred me emotionally, spiritually and sexually. She could harden my penis with a comment and moments after continue the thought aloud and send my mind reeling in an emotional tsunami; her love was so powerful. In combination, those qualities made it futile to resist the visceral impulse I had to make her mine.
I read many threads on the site where members have used posts to share the stories of their relationships and the struggles of getting to know, communicate and share the greatest gift they have to give another person, the gift of themselves. Then there are those that have made the commitment and are in relationships and wonder where they are going and whether this relationship is turning out to be all it had promised to be. Those
are especially poignant.
This morning as I approached my building early in the morning, the chilly embrace of the late summer air wrapped around me and stirred my thoughts; transporting me back to that fall day in 1971 when I met J, not far from where I was standing at that very moment.
The excitement of that season so many years ago was of this wonderfully smart, sexy, innocent young girl that I had yet to discover; she was just 19 years old. There was so much to learn about who she was, what she thought about, what motivated her, how she could be so talented and creative and above all else what made her so easy to talk to and be around.
Beyond her personality was her body. I had never been involved with a tall lithe girl before. She was 6 feet tall and she weighed 135 lbs; she was curvy but not outrageously so. She was so very sexy. I wondered what she looked like under her jeans and sweaters. I was familiar with the feel of all parts of her body in my embrace, but the limitations of dorm life in the early 1970’s and my crowded apartment deprived me of the mind blowing experience of seeing her unashamedly naked. We were so young and our romantic settings were so limited on a college campus it would be 8 months before I beheld her in all her sensually naked glory. When I finally did I thought my penis would split it got so hard.
Those early years we talked incessantly, but there was an awkward limit to our relationship. We were two different people who were drawn together in a mysterious attraction but we weren’t us yet. We did that dance of acquaintanceship always being careful not to crowd the other or go too far and risk upsetting them or losing them. We were also so young. Forget about getting answers to our relationship, we didn’t even know what questions to ask about what it meant to be in a relationship. We were so naïve.
So, 37 years ago, in 1973 we decided it was time to get married and make the two separate individuals we were into two individuals who together would become us. Our friends wondered why we felt we needed to be married; it was the early 70’s after all. People were shacking up, not getting married. Certainly we weren’t religious so it wasn’t the whole church thing …it was much deeper.
The last line of the vows that we wrote to say to each other that day had a years worth of thought put into them. We committed to take our separate lives, and bring them together for a future of shared experience. We committed to grow and change together so that we would become different and better people by being us and by being there for each other. Even though we were youthfully naïve, we knew that we were better individuals together than we were apart.
The earliest years of marriage brought lousy sex but they brought a relationship that was built on amazing communication and mutual support. Indeed we did help each other become better individuals as a result of our relationship, but more importantly we became us. That transformation made it easy to later become mom and dad . . . two people who could come together and put 110% of themselves into 3 little people who took everything we both had and then some to help them grow up to be responsible adults. It was clearly a synergy during the 23 years that we raised three kids to adulthood . . . we were more as a team than we were as individuals.
During those years of raising kids there wasn’t much time left for each other, for us. We had jobs, an antique (1785) house that needed rehabbing, ailing relatives and all the pressures that accompany a growing family. It was fortunate that we had invested so much in each other in the early years because in the years of a growing family we were able to reap the dividends of that early investment. If there were months where we had no time for intimacy I could fall back on small gestures from her. Those small gestures would open a window into emotions and feelings that she had for me that didn’t have to be said aloud or expressed sexually. They could be said by a held hand, or a warm glance or a fatigued peck on the cheek before falling into the deep sleep that only parents of small children know. That season of the relationship was about sacrifice, so that the kids could flourish. Looking back, despite a bumpy ride in some spots all three did indeed flourish and we survived the intensity and the sacrifice of the experience.
Now, this morning as I left the morning chill and walked into the warm embrace of this great old building, I happily watched the 20 and 21 year olds streaming around me. I looked at them and thought how great it was for me to be among them now, they are like I once was; I also thought where are J and I now, what is this season all about?
Now that I almost 60 years old and I am walking the same halls of my youth, the season is once again back to being one of discovery; but this time the discovery is different. It is not a discovery born of naïveté or ignorance, it is a discovery founded on wisdom, mindfulness and awareness. We are on the other side of self sacrifice; we are out in the bright light of maturity. I finally feel like I have grown up, the kids are all gone. After 23 years of putting them first it is strange and wonderful to be putting us first again.
This discovery is so very different that the one of almost 40 years ago when I walked in this same place. I am wiser now and my love for her is more seasoned. The years have taught me to be much more patient, insightful and mindful. I know J now as well as I know myself. I understand what her values are, how her experience shapes her responses to things, why she feels the way she does and what it means for her to love me.
But most delightfully it has taken me until the last ten years to unwrap the last mystery of her, her sexuality. I am happy that it has taken me this long to reveal and celebrate this wonderfully mysterious part of her femininity with her. The experience of holding her in my arms, sinking my penis into her, and piercing her repeatedly until the rapture of unrestrained pleasure overwhelms her, is unlike the sex of any other season in our relationship. If I had had tried to engage the complex puzzle of her erotic femininity when we were younger I wonder if I would’ve had the mindfulness to get inside her head as I got inside her vagina. I don’t think I could’ve.
The sexual desperation when I kiss her or feel her naked body against mine is still there but it is a slow desperation, a sweet slow languid desperation. Because I can get inside her head as we make love I can really identify with what she is feeling, what her reactions tell me about what she is thinking about and most importantly what the subtle cues of her body are telling me that she needs from me.
In this latest season, my own inflamed need for sexual gratification is much calmer. I can delay gratification and focus 100% on her sensual needs, the sensations she craves and is too shy to tell me, her emotions and her erotic state of mind. I can use my hardened masculinity and my mindfulness to elevate her feminine sexual response to incredible heights.
But perhaps the best part of sex at this point in our relationship is the after time. That enchanted time when we lay there with the warm liquid testimony of my devotion to her pooled deep inside her vagina, as she snuggles in my arms and savors the heat I have left in her. There is a profound emptiness that her post orgasmic vagina feels after I have withdrawn my hot - engorged penis from her. The emptiness is a sweet emptiness that relaxes her profoundly as she cuddles in my loving caress. Her head and her vagina are left vibrating and buzzing from the profound orgasm that I have just coaxed from her pussy with my insistent thrusting and teasing stimulation.
We will lay arm and arm and think our separate thoughts in silence, we think them separately because we are together; it is a very unique and wonderful moment. That is what being us is all about. Us enables both us to be free enough to get lost in our own thoughts and our emotions as we hold each other in the loving embrace of reassurance.
Being us after all these years makes the next season much less scary to think about; in retrospect it has made all the past seasons so much sweeter to recall and savor.
That is what I thought as I walked up the stairs and down that same hall this morning. As I sat at my desk and looked out the window at that familiar dorm window down the hill I thought . . . what a wonderful string of seasons and discoveries, I am very lucky indeed.
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