Coming to terms with ones True Self can be frightening. Face the mirror and drop the facade, look yourself in the eye and admit it. I am Bi-sexual.
The relief I discovered was almost instant (which was a huge shock for me), I expected to be more confused. Apparently, I was ready to accept the truth. I don't want readers to think this whole thing (accepting reality) was accomplished over the course of a week, it wasn't. I have been struggling to admit it almost my whole life.
Parents, Society, Religious upbringing, all had factors in my maturing psyche. When nature pulls one way and nurture pulls the other, being the rope in the middle is Very painfully and confusing!
Thinking that you are a freak or for those that believed as I did at the time, Going to Hell, is scary.
Following the time my best friend was murdered, my Mother asked how my faith was carrying me through, I had to tell her "it was gone". I have since found a new path, (was raised Catholic) as an Odin-ist. Again something that was natural, heritage wise (part Norwegian/Scandinavian), and have outed myself to Mom at least. So coming out and admitting even to myself (sexually) should have been easy right?
Before I hit a tangent.... I have accepted that I am Bi-sexual. Label or not, it's who I am.
Now another hurdle, I need to tell my Wife! A thought that brings more fear, I love her and am very scared of losing her! I'm not necessarily asking for an open marriage, but if she would allow me to explore my "gay" side, I would be extremely grateful. I would even settle for a MMF threesome. I wouldn't go out and fuck or suck ever guy that I could, it's not really about sex.
I crave the touch of a man, yes, but men have a different "feel" emotionally. I have one close Male friend, one of my group of friends from HS, he is definitely straight which isn't a problem, but I want someone I can connect with a little more intimately and not feel I am stepping over the line. I doubt very much my friend would stop talking to me if I told him "I love you" as we are more family than friends, don't want to make him feel uncomfortable either. With him it is completely platonic, I need more.
Back to my Wife.......My courage is building to "come out" now to find the right time. Sounds like I'm making excuses for not telling her, not really the case. We work opposite schedules, and with school out for summer, our daughter doesn't have to go to bed as early, less time to be alone. We also do not have a day off together, another challenge. We have been making time for "play" which is good, I do enjoy sex with my wife, I love her.
She has been telling me lately that she "doesn't necessarily get turned on with some of things we do, but as long as it makes me happy", which for me is confusing, but also gives me a small hope she will be at least understanding if not accepting. I understand her desire to want to please me, I like to do the same for her. I expect she will not be happy, I have to make sure she KNOWS that I love her and have no desire to hurt her, telling her might do just that. I also don't expect this to be easy. I am confident that we can work through the difficult times ahead, I gotta be me. Im' tired of living the lie.
Admitting to oneself is a big step, trying to help a loved one accept it is another!