That Thursday evening I managed to come up with an excuse to get out and I went to SAA. I carefully chose a gray hoodie - something to turn my curves into a blob and I wore minimal makeup - just foundation and mascara. I didn't want to be a distraction. But at the same time it excited me to know that the guys would - if not be attracted to me - perhaps imagine me having sex. It was in a church just like most Anonymous meetings. We sat around the table. They read a page or two from their book about one of the 12 steps. During the sharing time I told them how my hormones are out of control when I am pregnant but this would end when I had the baby. After the birth I came back and said, "you're probably wondering why I'm back... Well, I got hooked." And it was the truth.
I didn't go to SAA to quit. I went to get inspired to quit. And to tell some of my secrets. It's really hard to hold big secrets all the time. When the men shared particularly emotional events I would respond under my breath with a murmer of sympathy. Other than myself, the room was dead silent. It was bewildering to me that they could let such a stirring disclosure go unsupported. I think they were shy. I suspect that is the reason that one of the men told me, after the meeting, that he really appreciated me coming. I added a woman's touch. One time another beautiful girl showed up and I imagined what an amazing team we would make if we worked together. But no, I would never do that. That would be just plain evil. Every time I shared, I cried. Every. Time. I thought maybe it was pregnancy hormones or the heaviness of the confession. But then one day I went in NOT pregnant and with nothing particularly emotional to share, and I cried. That's when I decided there was some sort of spiritual ora there. Maybe one of conviction? At the end of the meeting we stand up, hold hands and say the corniest little chant. Every week I just can't say it. I giggle through the whole thing.