I am single... thankfully... for the first time in really ever! I was legally separated in January and my divorce will be final in 15 days! (SWEET SCIENCE IM EXCITED!!!!) Well, since my departure from my husband i have made some foolish decisions as im sure anyone in my situation would do :) While i dont regret them, things have become rather interesting for me.
I have 2 regular fuck buddies. Not including the few random people i have slept with here and there (not a whore, i'm safe, and i am careful with who i choose). WELL, one of my fuck buddies, happens to be my roommate.... who happens to be beyond uncomfortably, madly in love with me (stupid decision, told you i made a couple) and he wants to actually BE with me. My other fuck buddy, is my sons father. He and i have been through ALOT and have a shared hatred for the opposite sex, but equal trust for each other. We decided a long time ago that he and i would never be together again, relationships... eh no thanks. BUT we like sex, so, why not keep doing it? THIS is where my roommate wanting to be with me is a problem. For multiple reasons.
A. I dont want a relationship
B. I dont want a relationship with someone i've known since i was 7
C. I dont want to give up what i have going with my sons dad
See, my roommate, has this habit of waiting to have serious conversations with me til hes gone and can text them (how adult right?). Well, the other day he text me and began to explain that all he wants to do is make me happy and he doesnt feel like hes enough for me. That maybe we should look into having a polyamorous relationship so he can have me, but i could still have my fun (keep in mind he doesnt know about me sleeping with my sons dad, but my sons dad DOES know about him). He proceeded to explain to me that i am a very sexual, and social person and he knows that he is neither of those things and hes sure that to have me in his life he could be ok with polyamory....
For those that dont know what this means let me explain. (Thank you wikipedia for aiding me here!!!)
Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It is often described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy."
What about that doesnt sound awesome right? Well, there are some things to consider when considering polyamory. There is a distinct set of values that these relationships are built off of and if not followed can lead to disaster!
- Fidelity and loyalty: Fidelity here would not be defined by being sexually exclusive, but by being faithful to the promises and agreements made about a relationship. For example, having a secret sexual relationship that the other party(s) are unaware of, would be seen as a breach of fidelity.
- Communication and negotiation: There is no "standard" for polyamorous relationships and relying on common expectations in a relationship is all to unrealistic. Negotiations are often held to determine the conditions of the relationships involved to keep an open line of communication and respect. It is generally accepted that sometimes mistakes can be made, and some ideals cant be lived up to. Communication is important for fixing these breaches.
- Trust, honesty, dignity, and respect: Most polyamorists emphasize respect, trust, and honesty for all partners. Ideally, a partner's partners are accepted as part of that person's life rather than merely tolerated, and usually a relationship that requires deception or a "don't ask don't tell" policy is seen as a less than ideal model.
- Boundaries and agreements: To have a successful poly relationship there needs to be "ground rules" these "rules" can change over time, and per situation. Some of these rules can include: consultation about new relationships; devising schedules that work for everyone; limits on physical displays of affection in public or among mixed company; and budgeting the amount of money a partner can spend on additional partners. (if that last one applies to you, it wouldnt for me)
- Gender equality: Many polyamorists do not believe in different relationship "rules" based on gender, a point of contrast with some forms of religious non-monogamy which are often patriarchically based. Commonly, however, couples first expanding an existing monogamous relationship into a polyamorous one, may adhere to gender-specific boundaries until all parties are comfortable with the new dynamic, such as when a wife agrees not to engage sexually with another male at her husband's request, but may be allowed to have romantic and sexual relationships with women. Such terms and boundaries are negotiable, and such asymmetric degrees of freedom among the partners (who need not be of different genders) are more often due to individual differences and needs, and are usually understood to be temporary and within a negotiated time frame until further opening up of the relationship becomes practicable or easier for the parties to handle emotionally.
- Non-possessiveness: (this to me is the most important) Many polyamorists view excessive restrictions on other deep relationships as less than desirable, as such restrictions can be used to replace trust with a framework of ownership and control. It is usually preferred or encouraged that one views their partners' other significant other (that was fun to type) in terms of the gain to their partners' lives rather than a threat to their own . Therefore, jealousy and possessiveness are generally viewed not so much as something to avoid or structure the relationships around, but as responses that should be explored, understood, and resolved within each individual, with compersion as a goal. (Compersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy. It is commonly used to describe when a person experiences positive feelings when a lover is enjoying another relationship.)
Now, MY issue here is, whats mine, is mine, and no one else's. So i couldnt be ok with this type of situation. CONVENIENTLY there are different types OF polyamory to fit all kinds of relationship needs. (However, with the right person, and the right set of ground rules, im sure i could work with any situation....)
- Polyfidelity, which involves multiple romantic relationships with sexual contact restricted to only specific partners in the group (which may include all members of that group)
- Sub-relationships, which distinguish between "primary" and "secondary" relationships (e.g. most open marriages).
- Three people romantically involved, often called a "triad relationship." (Commonly initiated by an established couple jointly dating a third person; however, there are many possible configurations.)
- Relationships between a couple and another couple (Quad).
- Polygamy in which one person marries several spouses (who may or may not be married to, or have romantic relationships with, one another).
- Group relationships, sometimes referred to as tribes, and group marriages, in which all consider themselves associated to one another,
- Networks of interconnecting relationships, where a particular person may have relationships of varying degrees of importance with various people.
- Mono/poly relationships, where one partner is monogamous but agrees to the other having outside relationships. (this would be me! At least in this situation!)
- Open relationships or Open Marriages where participants may have sexual liaisons with others not within their core group of partners. Some open relationships may be open only sexually, while exclusive emotionally.
- Swinging: Traditionally there has been a cultural divide between the polyamorous and swinger communities, the former emphasizing the emotional aspects of plural relationships and the latter emphasizing the sexual activities of non-monogamy. It is possible for a person with polyamorous relationships to also engage in traditional swinging and other open relationships. Those in polyamorous relationships who take part in casual sex often see it as separate from the emotional bonds they share with their polyamorous partners. However it is also possible for swingers to develop deep emotional attachments with those they have sex with, and thereby find themselves in polyamory. Such swingers in their new polyamorous relationships may or may not choose to continue swinging with others. Finally, both swingers and polyamorous people can engage in secret infidelities, but this is no better accepted by either communities than in monogamy.
See that lovely little bold up there? THAT would be what i would be in, if i were to consider this "relationship" he has come to me with. I am WAY WAY sexual, and overly flirty and a down right tease. I enjoy attention from men AND women that are not my regular partner. I like other people wanting me and i do at times encourage it. The idea of having the romanticisms provided to me by someone who has been in my life for ages and knows me in and out, while getting my sexual and physical needs taken care of outside? BRILLIANT. I could be with him, flirt with the people i do, mindlessly lead people on, OH and still sleep with my sons dad. Whats not to love about this?
TOO BAD my roommate is a whiny little girl who cries at everything and would look at me with sad ass puppy dog eyes every time I left the house. He would only be pretending to be ok with me doing what i want to do. He would never really be ok with it. He KNOWS we are not together, and still goes apeshit bananas when i flirt with people. Man or woman.... you can physically see him DIE inside.
SO, i will be single.... and continue to be me and enjoy my sexuality and sharing it with people! Whether in real life, or here with you beautiful people :) Until i find a man that can appreciate who i am, im good.
OMG I halfway joked about taking pictures while we were having sex and putting them on here, and i swear to science his heart dropped to his toes. The idea of sharing any part of me, let alone us, with anyone appalls him... but he suggested polyamory? OK kid!