*******DRAMATIC PAUSE FOR A SHOCKING STATEMENT FOR ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME*******
I actually find it very hard to talk about my feelings. Shocking I know! I'm a girl who can carry on a conversation with a brick wall (almost - I usually don't actually talk to myself). But or me to say the words, "you hurt my feelings". That is really hard for me. I find this hard in friends, in relationships, and even with my family. All of which means that I have at times carried a lot of hurt around. It's something I have been working pretty hard on actually.
What on earth does this have to do with reflecting on the last year you might ask - well I am getting to that right now. A year ago today I had also just finished up a semester, which at the time I believed to be one of the hardest I had ever undertaken. Little did I know then ;). Hell I got a 3.97. I was dating a musician I had met at a show where he was running sound for my on again/off again FWB - who has made a couple of cameos in chat, Mr Ted Shakewell (FWB). And we were crazy busy packing up our 120,000-150,000 square foot warehouse to move. I was also very excited about my favorite party of the year which I actually had a date to take with me! Now in my opinion this is the best party of the year, thrown by the best men I know. I consider many of these men to be very close personal friends, and like brothers. So for me to take a date to their party, it is a very big deal. Because their opinion matters. Well my date jilted me. I was 2 hours late to the party. I almost missed the very important ceremony of my close friend getting honored. So once I secured a ride home (because I had to drive myself), I got drunk, bourbon drunk. But I salvaged the evening as best as I could and had fun. However, I got drunk enough that night I got sick, but the scary part is - I woke myself up because of that.
Moving on, The next night the guy I was still supposedly dating was playing a really big show with his Sade cover band. It was their first real show. My on/off FWB rap group was one of two opening bands. I had committed to go. And unlike him, I like to keep my commitments. So thinking about the fact that I had been pretty damn wasted the night before, it was amazing that I even wanted to go out. Let alone deal with someone who had stood me up. Ah but the plot thickens. You see my friends, I was pretty damn sure my "boyfriend" was dating two women. I was pretty sure his ex-girlfriends wasn't as out of the picture as he led me to believe. Guess what, she wasn't. Because much like I suspected, she was there with him and his parents looking like the cat who ate the canary. He on the other hand looked like he would prefer if the ground would open up and swallow him up whole. I stay and finish my drink. I want to at least say hello to my FWB (we were off at this point just to be clear). I hugged him on the way out and told him that I hoped he had a great show. He seemed concerned that I was leaving but had to do his job. I started getting texts from my boyfriend about how he wished he could leave yada yada, to which I replied "I did." He made his bed and boy did he have to lie in it.
The next day I received the news that has quite literally shaped the entire last year of my life. I was sitting at my desk at the end of the day going through FB, about to take my dog to the house so that I could attend the final Junior League Meeting of the year, when I saw the posting from my boarding school that my friend Kevin had died. I know that in very short order I burst into tears so hard that my nose was bleeding. I know that I called my mom - because oddly she was not at the office with me. Which made for an interesting conversation because I have more than one close friend named Kevin. And I know that I went and found my brother in the wood shop for a hug - also odd because it was 5 pm and he was still at work. The next few hours are both a blur and very clear. I had friends dose me with xanax. My Daddy made me a very stiff drink. I'm pretty sure I cried myself to sleep pretty early actually. Crying sure does take a lot out of you actually. The next day a lot of time was spent reading every post possible on the various news sites FB pages about the accident. Kevin was actually killed on the Saturday afternoon in a horrific motorcycle crash on the Pacific Coast Highway near Point Magoo. A 70+ woman in a pickup truck crossed the center line and hit him head on at about 1:30 in the afternoon. It started a brush fire that lasted for 5 hours. We believe that he was killed instantly. That night my FWB just showed up. I didn't call him. He says he didn't look at any FB posts by me. But he started a trend that would actually last next 5 months. I wouldn't see him for 4 weeks but right around the anniversary date - there he was. Tragedies have an ability to show you interesting views of things.
In this year I have leaned on my friends a lot. I made some very tough choices about school and work. Some that make me reconsider what I am doing with my life all the time. There have been many times that I just want to curl up in a ball and cry - and I have a number of those times. I have done many things - plenty of them silly and stupid to honor him every day. And I have cried. A lot. In strange places. Over stupid shit. The pain has faded a touch. It doesn't come as often anymore, but it can still make me double over and grab my heart with a vice grip. I watched one of the memorial videos on his birthday 3 weeks ago. That was something I hadn't done in 11 months.
So I guess I am not entirely truthful - I can talk about some feelings. I have talked about Kevin in the last year to just about anyone who would listen - and plenty I am sure who would have preferred not too. But to tell my ex-Bf he hurt my feelings. apparently what wasn't easy. Yet as an American female, and a Southern one to boot, apologizing comes as natural as brushing your hair or putting on makeup. We apologize for everything. So stupid. Yet I don't hear them near often enough. I am still not good enough at asking people for what I need. For understanding that I do deserve all that and a cupcake. That telling someone you need cuddles is not a burden. That I should expect apologies when people let me down or hurt my feelings, but that I might need to tell them especially if they are guys because they are not mind readers. I have learned that sharing can be very hard at times and is a lesson that I need more practice in at times. It is something that can lead to hurt feelings and demands communication. This is true for all relationships, be they romantic or otherwise. No one relationship will fulfill all of any one person's needs.
It has been the semester (and year from hell). Truly a "That which does not kill us makes us stronger" kind of year. Interestingly this is not where I planned to end up, but sometimes writing isn't planned. I have also learned that - actually didn't just learn this, maybe this is part of my problem - that really you are the only person you can depend on, and that sometimes you just have to make do with the hugs you can give yourself. It is human nature to seek out the good feelings that we can get from others - and while every self-help list/book out there tells you not to - I think this is an impossibility. But remember that humans are fallible. And they do let you down and hurt your feelings - sometimes knowingly & intentionally, those you should probably eliminate from your life - and sometimes because life just happens. Sometimes I find that when I get really upset that someone has let me down when I felt that I needed them the most, maybe I just needed to know that I had more strength than I realized. Or maybe that is just what I tell myself. There is definitely something to be said for faking it until you make it. Okay enough ramblings for today.
Peace, Love and BBQ