Posted by ILuvsex2 , Tue Jan 14, 2014 04:06 PM
Posted by ILuvsex2 , Thu Jun 21, 2012 05:25 PM
I want to take this time to apologize if I seem to be repeating myself. I tend to associate certain instances from the past with things that may have happened recently and in doing so, I bring them up multiple times. I’m not trying to be redundant or drive home a point, it’s just that it has a bearing on what I’m communicating to you at this moment.
By the time my daughter was attending school, I could feel the dark cloud hanging over my relationship with my wife. I wasn’t really sure what to do so one day I suggested, “We should have more friends.” The reason I said this was because there was only one couple that we would see on a regular basis but every time we were together it was a fun time. My wife would put on her “happy” face and be someone else for awhile. So naturally I thought that if we had other couples to mingle with, we may be able to break this dangerous path we were traveling. Her response was less than enthusiastic. “If you want more friends, go out and get them.”
I was disappointed to say the least, that comment had pretty much shut down the whole idea. But then a thought occurred to me. And when I look back upon that moment I realize that that was the turning point. It was a small thought but it would have repercussions that would change our world forever… big time.
What was that thought? She told me that if I wanted more friends that I should go out and get them. So I did… online. Perhaps this wasn’t the best idea I ever had but it helped me and eventually it would hurt me (us). But in the end, it would be for the best. I’m an avid reader so I joined a site that was about books… books from a particular author. I’m not going to say which one, I need to preserve some anonymity. Anyway, it all started off very innocently. I did a little posting, got to know a few people, had some discussions on books and other topics… I was having fun. My wife didn’t care that I was talking to other people online because this particular website was known to attract mostly men… or so she thought. I was surprised at the number of women who were members at this site but I got used to it.
Then on day, I saw a thread that was asking people to post something unusual about yourself. You may recall that I mentioned that I had 14 surgeries and procedures over my lifetime so I posted about one of them, that I am a cancer survivor. I received a few private messages from other members asking if I was okay now and how I was doing but one member in particular got my attention. She was a cancer survivor too and we got to know each other rather well. At least as well as you can over the internet that is. She lives in Florida and I live in Arizona, so there was no chance for a meeting and I’m glad for that. She sent me a picture of herself and she is a very striking woman. She’s not drop dead gorgeous or a model by any means but she appealed to my taste and I apparently appealed to her too.
I’m not going to go into details but I fell in love with this woman and she said she felt the same way. I was drifting into extremely dangerous territory and I didn’t want to break my vows to my wife. I was conflicted about my marriage for the first time in my life and it scared the hell out of me. But the years of neglect from my wife kept me coming back to my “friend” for more conversations which eventually turned sexual. I hated myself for it but I couldn’t stop. I would save our conversations and hide them in a secret file so I could always look at them later. This would prove to be my downfall. I forgot to move one file and accidentally left it on the desktop. My wife found it and all hell broke loose.
I blame myself for this. I should have never kept talking to my online “friend”. I should have told her that I was married and there was no way I was going to break my vows. It would be almost a month before I told my “friend” that I was married and it crushed her. Once again, I blame myself for this. Looking back on it now though, I’m not sure I would have done it much differently. I would have told my “friend” about being married sooner, that’s for sure but as for the rest, I think I would do it all over again. Does that make me a bad person? Does that make me a bad husband? I tend to think that in certain ways it does and I am ashamed to some extent but in the end, I think it would work out for the best.
The only problem was, I would have to walk through hell in a gasoline suit to reach any kind of redemption… and I’m not sure I’m there yet. What was to come, would be the most painful time of my life bar none and my online “friend” stuck it out with me almost until the end… then I learned a secret that she was keeping.
Posted by ILuvsex2 , Mon May 14, 2012 01:17 PM
During the first part of our marriage we had been wanting to have a child of our own. It soon became apparent however that that was never going to happen without some help from science. After taking a certain blood pressure medication for so long, it had made me sterile. However, after exploring several options we (or should I say, she) decided that adoption was the way to go. She simply didn’t want to undergo any kind of medical procedure at all. Okay, fine, I respect that. I myself have been through 14 surgeries and procedures over my lifetime and being such an old hand at it, I didn’t see the big deal BUT, I understand… I really do. Medical procedures can be intimidating to say the least.
The adoption process was relatively painless and short, much to my surprise. I suppose the one incident that stands out for me was when my wife came to a realization. She had been struggling with the fact that she’d never have a biological child of her own (as was I) but one day, she told me one day that life is what it is and you simply have to make the best of it. “It’s your fault we can’t have a child, I blame you.”
Wow, really? What a revelation. What that means to me is that I’m such a selfish asshole for attempting to save my own life. Granted, high blood pressure isn’t going to kill someone over night but there is a reason why it’s call “The silent killer.” I couldn’t help but feel so betrayed yet once again not to mentioned shocked at the cold callous way she imparted this information to me. Be that as it was, we continued on.
It wasn’t long after we had completed all of the parenting courses and FBI background checks that the phone rang with the news that a baby had been born in Flagstaff and the mother wanted to put it up for adoption. She chose my wife and me from a file containing several other couples who were also looking to adopt.
So we made the long trek to Flagstaff and met our future daughter for the first time. We both fell in love with this little girl immediately. We were allowed to take her home that night but there was a catch. The birth mother had no idea where the biological father was and by law, he must be contacted to receive his approval as well. In other words, we could take our daughter home and be a family right now but if the father shows up and wants to contest the adoption, we’re fucked.
We did have the option of leaving the baby with a foster mother just in case the father did show up and throw a monkey wrench into the works. That way it wouldn’t be so devastating when Child Protective Services showed up to take the child away but we gambled and took the child home that night. With each passing day we both came to love our daughter more and more but the search for the father proved fruitless. That meant that a wider search was to be implemented and that would take more time.
I harbored terrible fantasies that CPS would show up and say “Sorry, we found the father and the child needs to come with us.”, and although my wife never said anything like that, I knew she was thinking it too.
Eventually, all avenues to find the father were exhausted and the State had no choice but to grant the adoption. That was one of the happiest days in my marriage.
Shortly after the adoption was finalized, life was grand. My wife and I enjoyed a resurgence in our sex life and the fights became far and few in between. However, this was to be short lived. Just a year after the adoption was finalized I would see our lives begin to slip back to the hell it used to be (at least to me it was hell). She started throwing snide comments at me once more, sex would disappear yet again, and I would begin to feel like a room mate all over again.
I guess having a child wasn’t the answer, however, I’d never go back and do it differently. I love my daughter with all of my heart, I wouldn’t give that up for anything but having a child living with two parents who are constantly fighting… that’s no good either. I didn’t want my daughter to believe that this kind of relationship is normal. I needed help… professional help. And when that didn’t pan out… I took it to the extreme.
Posted by ILuvsex2 , Mon Mar 19, 2012 01:50 PM
For those of you who read Stephen King you probably recognize this title, “The Long Road Home”. Although this has nothing to do with Roland and his Ka-tet, it is a fitting title for this episode, so my apologies to Stephen King for this blatant plagiarism.
It began in the spring of 1996, when my wife applied to Phoenix College in hopes of becoming a dental hygienist. We both agreed that it would be to our benefit if she’d become a dental assistant first. This way she would be able to work part time and obtain some of the credits needed for the hygienist courses that would come later.
Within two years she achieved the level of dental assistant but she only worked as an assistant for 2 months. She decided that working and going to school was too hard and quit her job to concentrate on school only.
I’m not going to pass judgment on whether her decision was based on truth of what she said or if she just didn’t want to work that hard. Everyone has their level to where things become to much to handle. When I was in college I went to school full time and I had two jobs, one full time one part time. I didn’t get much sleep in those years but I did what I had to in order to get by. Also, I didn’t have anyone to fall back on at the time, I was alone.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it seems like she was leaning on me quite heavily in order to get by which is okay, I knew this would benefit us both in the end which is why I didn’t question her decision.
So for 4 long, grueling years I worked extra hard at my job in order to pay all of the bills then I’d come home and do homework for 5 or 6 hours each night and all day on Saturday and Sunday. I would proofread all of her assignments, edit them, and type them up for her. By the time she graduated, I knew just as much about being a dental hygienist as she did.
I couldn’t quite swing the payments on our house and bills and pay for her school so we had to take out a student loan… not much, just $7000. We went though hell together during those four years and 3 weeks from graduation she came to me and asked me if she could quit. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “You what?! You want to quit?! HELL NO!! You’re not going to get this close to graduation and drop out now. Are you nuts?!” This was the first time I really put my foot down, there was no way I was going to let her quit at this point, I wouldn’t be a very good husband if I did.
She said she couldn’t take the pressure any more and she wanted it to go away. I told her it would go away… in three weeks but until then, we are in the home stretch. She stuck with it and three weeks later she passed her exam and was near the top of her class. I knew she had it in her.
The entire family wanted to come to the graduation ceremony but she kept telling everyone, “No, don’t come. It’s going to be long and boring, besides we’re having a party at our house afterwards.” She told everyone we knew this very same thing. So I said, “I guess I’m not going either?” “Oh no, you’re going to the ceremony.” I was confused. She wants to spare everyone the pain of boredom for several hours on hard concrete seats but she want’s to put me through it… alone.
When I asked later why she would do that and then have me come and sit in the stands with no one to talk to her answer was, “Oh, I didn’t think about that.” Well, that’s par for the course now isn’t it? She never thinks about anyone but herself. (Sorry, I’m getting a bit bitter here, I’ll get back on course.)
To add insult to injury, at the party we had for her at our house. Her father, the one she doesn’t get alone with, put his arm around her and said, “I’m very proud of you.” Then yelled for her to make a speech. She tearfully acknowledged the fact that… “This was a hard road for me. There were time’s I didn’t think I’d make it but I did. I managed to achieve one of my life long dreams and thank you for supporting me through it.”
Not one word about the help I gave her through those four years. Not one word about how I worked to keep this household afloat. Not one word about how she wanted to give up but I pushed her through. It was full of I’s and ME’s.
I never said anything, what’s the point? If she want’s to completely ignore the fact that she’s a hygienist due in great part to my efforts, then so be it. But what really made me angry years later was the fact that my business was in dire straights and still is. I was unable to bring home any money for many months because after I paid the bills, there was nothing left. It was my turn to receive some help from my spouse, instead she said, (and this is a direct quote and I’ll never forget it) “You’re a tick and you’re sucking the life out of me.”
I made hard sacrifices for her for 4 years so she could realize her dream and now, almost 10 years later when I was the one who needed help, she insulted me. A few months later she filed for divorce.
During those 10 years however, we’d go through some major life changes. I’d see our standard of living increase 10 fold and I’d see our intimate relationship decrease to virtually nothing. Soon, I began to feel more like a room mate than a husband, then “she” came into our lives… and nothing would ever be the same again.
Posted by ILuvsex2 , Wed Feb 22, 2012 03:28 PM
I still hear that song on the radio from time to time. Mike and the Mechanics: In the Living Years. Some of you may know what that song is about. The lead singer wrote this song after his father died. He and his father never got along during their “living years” and after his father was gone, he felt regret for never trying to connect with him… never trying to be his friend. He had said in an interview some years later that once someone dies, any chance you had for mending your differences dies with them and it leaves a hole in your heart that will live inside of you until you die.
When I heard that, I thought that I had finally picked up on why my wife was so angry and distant all the time. The relationship she has with her father is just as turbulent and whenever they are in the same room together, you can feel the tension between the two.
So when I got home I immediately told her the story about the song I’d just heard. She was having an okay day, she wasn’t visibly angry at the time or bothered about anything else that might be pending. When I finished telling her the story about the song she seemed mildly interested and agreed that when someone passes on… someone whom you’ve had “disagreements” with in the past, that it could leave an emotional scar.
That was when I broached the subject of her relationship with her father. “I’ve noticed that you and your father don’t have the best of relationships. Perhaps you may want to sit down with him sometime and try to work out your differences because I don’t want to see this happen to you.” My next sentence (which I never got out) was going to be, “I love you and it would kill me to see you in pain like this.”
Before I could get that last sentence out she once again launched into a rage and screamed, “You don’t understand how he is. He’s selfish and he’s and asshole and I don’t care if he dies or not.” She then proceeded to tell me all the things he did wrong over the course of her childhood (she was the perfect child apparently). I’m not going to go into any details about that because a lot of it is mundane bullshit that only an overly sensitive person would get pissed about but she lectured me for the next 20 minutes on what a rotten father he is and selfish… did I mention that? Because she did, around 8 times I think. One of the first thoughts that came to my head was, “Well, the apple didn’t fall far from the tree did it?”
She finished off this lecture by screaming at me about what a rotten asshole I am for bringing this up and ruining her day. She was having a perfectly fine day until I fucked it up for her. That’s what I got for trying to help… for being a caring husband.
This time, I did not hold my tongue. I was very angry. So I screamed back at her, “This is what I get for trying to help. I didn’t want to see this same fate befall you because I love you and I care about you and this is what I get? Thanks for the gratitude you hypocritical bitch.” I do regret saying that but I was more angry at that time then I’d ever been in my life, nevertheless, the statement is true. She was silent for the first time in nearly half an hour.
Tears welled up in her eyes and then she stormed out of the room, heading for the bedroom where she slammed the door, muttering loud enough for me to hear, “I married IT. I married IT.” IT? Really, I’m an IT now. I guess that you become and IT if you stand up for yourself, at least in her eyes you do.
Several days passed where I got her classic snotty attitude, her way of telling me what an asshole that I am. Eventually it was faded away and we never spoke of it until nearly 20 years later after I left her. I told her how she made me feel that day when I was only trying to help. She, still to this day, is unrepentant and stands by the way she reacted. I looked her in the eye and said, “And you wonder why I left.”
I still don’t understand that type of behavior. I know that there are subjects that are touchy to people but adults should behave and act like adults not snotty little 3 year olds who don’t get what they want.
A few years passed, nothing changed. I was more of a room mate than a husband. I felt like she only married me so that she could have a second income and have someone to mow the lawn, take out the garbage, help with the dishes and the laundry etc… I even said that one time… “I feel more like a room mate than a husband.” She just dismissed it with a wave of her hand and said nothing.
Then one day she decided to make a life change. She was a florist but she had always wanted to be a dental hygienist. I looked at our finances and it would be rough… very rough but if we work together it could happen. So she quit her job and WE began a 4 year journey to realizing one of her dreams… and I paid dearly for it.
Posted by ILuvsex2 , Thu Jan 05, 2012 06:40 PM
I was being stupidly optimistic about posting an episode every couple of weeks or so. I should have said every couple of months instead, but no matter, let us continue.
I feel that I must reiterate the fact that I have no idea what a blog is and I certainly don’t know if this is the proper forum to post my past experiences but what the hell… as I’ve said before, I think this is more for my sanity as opposed to generating interest in my tale. Also, please forgive me if this comes off sounding like I’m writing a novel, it’s just my writing style that I’ve adopted over the years.
Episode 2: The Betrayal
After the unfortunate or fortunate (depending on how you look at it) events that took place in that parking lot in Scottsdale Arizona so many years ago, my wife continued to do things her way, completely oblivious to the problem that was starting to grow. I believe that most people want to be loved, held, kissed, caressed, and made to feel like they’re useful otherwise there would be no such thing as marriage. I mean seriously, what’s the point of getting married if you want to be left alone all the time?
My wife and I lived in Scottsdale for about 6 months before we bought our first house in Mesa. We would live there for 8 years and during that time we would see more bad times than good and it would be in this house, that I would be betrayed for the first time.
In order to understand what I’m talking about, what exactly is betrayal? There are several definitions but the one that applies here is this one. To act in a way that is contrary to a promise made. When I got married I heard my bride say to me… in a church… “I promise to love, honor, and cherish you all the rest of my days.” That promise was broken less than a year after we were married. You don’t tell the love of your life to “Fuck off and get over it.”
I had been keeping a fairly low profile after our confrontation in the parking lot but soon after we moved into the new house I decided that it was stupid for me not to express my feelings about what had been transpiring over the last several months.
Before we were married, sex between us had been wonderful and plentiful. Not only that, whenever we would go out we would always come to a compromise as to what we would most like to do. After we got married however, that all stopped. Almost over night, sex went from nearly every night to once a month (if I was lucky) and we no longer did what we wanted, we did what she wanted. Suddenly, I wasn’t allowed to see any of my friends without her chaperoning me, and I wasn’t allowed to see any of my friends that she didn’t like, which was most of them.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but that doesn’t sound like love, or honor, or cherishing the one you supposedly care most about. It sounds more like a control freak run amuck.
So, on one fateful afternoon, I brought up the subject of sex or lack of it. I said, “Can we talk for a second? I’d like to broach the subject of our sex life. It seems to me…” That’s where she cut me off. I didn’t say anything else for the next several minutes. All I did was listen to her scream (many times almost incoherently) at me about how if “You want sex you have to earn it.” and “Is that all you want from me, fucking?” and “I don’t like sex like you do.” and “You’re such and asshole for brining this up.” and “FUCK OFF AND GET OVER IT.” For the next several days, her attitude was very snotty and she was inexcusably rude to me for no other reason than I tried to talk to her about a problem I was having.
Once again, someone please correct me if I’m wrong but when there is a problem in a marriage isn’t it the RIGHT thing for a spouse to approach their better half about the problem in a non confrontational way in hopes of resolving said problem? I thought that was the right thing to do, but I got raked over the coals for it. Whenever she had a problem with me, she would simply tell me, this is how you are going to behave, or this is how your are going to do this from now on. There was no discussion or agreement, she just told me, that’s how it was going to be whether I liked it or not.
It was then I realized how one sided this “marriage” was but it took me much longer to realize why she acted that way. It didn’t occur to me until almost 20 years later… she is incapable of accepting the fact that she may (from time to time) be wrong and she absolutely won’t take responsibility for her own actions… whenever one of her decisions went bad, it was always my fault. You may be thinking that I’m exaggerating but I swear to you, I’m not. After all, I was an “Asshole” for even bringing up the fact that I didn’t like our current sex life.
For the next several months and years, I would attempt to broach the subject in hopes of getting a different response but it always ended the same way. I was an “Asshole” a “Jackass” even a “Bastard”.
But yet, I stayed. I’m an eternal optimist and I kept wondering if there was an underlying problem that perhaps she was dealing with and if I could figure out what it was, I might be able to help. Then I heard a song on the radio and it struck a cord with me (no pun intended). I thought that I had finally figured out why my wife was so distant and angry and I couldn’t wait to get home and talk to her about it.
As it ended up, I did touch on a problem she was dealing with, but it made things infinitely worse. And once again, I was lost for an answer.
Posted by ILuvsex2 , Tue Nov 22, 2011 05:59 PM
My story doesn’t have anything to do with sex… at least not anything to do with me having any. This story is wrought with pain, sorrow, abandonment, and betrayal. So if you're in the mood for a downer, this is the place to be, otherwise, please enjoy the rest of your day here at sexforums.com.
The best way for me to tell this story is to write it out in episodes or chapters. If I try to get it all out at once I think my head might explode. So please bear with me as I get this out in short installments spaced about 2 weeks apart from each other.
The most logical place to start is the beginning.
Episode 1: The Beginning
I blinked my eyes and saw a very blurry light at the end of a dark tunnel where I had been hopelessly trapped for the last nine months. The tunnel contracted and pushed be into the light were a man in white grabbed my feet, hung me upside down, and slapped me on the ass. That was the first time I was pissed off. Okay, so I don’t actually remember the day I was born. I have a rather dry sense of humor that has never left me despite the nightmare I lived with for the last 20 years. After all, it’s better to laugh at misfortune rather than dwell on it.
So let’s fast forward a few years, how about 22? That’s how old I was when I met her. She wasn’t a beauty queen but she wasn’t a dog either. She had a way about her that said, “I’m self confident and I can rock your world”. We had a lot in common and she enjoyed my quirky sense of humor. We began dating and became more familiar with each other and during that time we developed romantic feelings in addition to all of the fucking we were doing.
It was about a year later when I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I thought that life was going to be great from then on but as I found out, life doesn’t always play by the rules, sometimes it makes it up as it goes. I realize that everyone has had a bad relationship or two in their time but when it starts to reach the point of insanity… that’s where I have to draw the line.
Shortly after we were married and by shortly I mean the next day, she changed. Not a lot, just subtlety. During our honeymoon in Niagra Falls (cliché I know) we had sex one time. ONCE. I didn’t think anything about it at the time I just thought we were going to so many places and seeing so many things that we were just tired at the end of the day but little did I realize, it was a sign of things to come.
We hadn’t been married for more than two months before we had our first huge argument about sex, or the lack thereof. I said earlier that we were fucking quite often but that stopped once she said “I do”. I’m not kidding, all joking aside, I now believe that she fucked me and fucked me well just to get me to marry her. Once that was done, she cut off sex thinking that she had me trapped and that’s the way it was going to be.
Anyway, our first fight took place in a parking lot of an office were we had an appointment, and the argument became heated to the point where she said, “You don’t seem happy.” I replied, “I never said I was.” We sat silent for a few moments, then exchanged some brief words of resolution and went to our appointment. She never brought up that argument again. I myself didn’t think about it until recently. I realize now that she had a perfect little life going were she was in control and she didn’t want to change that. The only way she could change my “unhappiness” was to relinquish some of her control and well… there was no way in hell that was going to happen. So she did the worst thing one could do in this situation. She ignored it… and it grew into a monster.