I was being stupidly optimistic about posting an episode every couple of weeks or so. I should have said every couple of months instead, but no matter, let us continue.
I feel that I must reiterate the fact that I have no idea what a blog is and I certainly don’t know if this is the proper forum to post my past experiences but what the hell… as I’ve said before, I think this is more for my sanity as opposed to generating interest in my tale. Also, please forgive me if this comes off sounding like I’m writing a novel, it’s just my writing style that I’ve adopted over the years.
Episode 2: The Betrayal
After the unfortunate or fortunate (depending on how you look at it) events that took place in that parking lot in Scottsdale Arizona so many years ago, my wife continued to do things her way, completely oblivious to the problem that was starting to grow. I believe that most people want to be loved, held, kissed, caressed, and made to feel like they’re useful otherwise there would be no such thing as marriage. I mean seriously, what’s the point of getting married if you want to be left alone all the time?
My wife and I lived in Scottsdale for about 6 months before we bought our first house in Mesa. We would live there for 8 years and during that time we would see more bad times than good and it would be in this house, that I would be betrayed for the first time.
In order to understand what I’m talking about, what exactly is betrayal? There are several definitions but the one that applies here is this one. To act in a way that is contrary to a promise made. When I got married I heard my bride say to me… in a church… “I promise to love, honor, and cherish you all the rest of my days.” That promise was broken less than a year after we were married. You don’t tell the love of your life to “Fuck off and get over it.”
I had been keeping a fairly low profile after our confrontation in the parking lot but soon after we moved into the new house I decided that it was stupid for me not to express my feelings about what had been transpiring over the last several months.
Before we were married, sex between us had been wonderful and plentiful. Not only that, whenever we would go out we would always come to a compromise as to what we would most like to do. After we got married however, that all stopped. Almost over night, sex went from nearly every night to once a month (if I was lucky) and we no longer did what we wanted, we did what she wanted. Suddenly, I wasn’t allowed to see any of my friends without her chaperoning me, and I wasn’t allowed to see any of my friends that she didn’t like, which was most of them.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but that doesn’t sound like love, or honor, or cherishing the one you supposedly care most about. It sounds more like a control freak run amuck.
So, on one fateful afternoon, I brought up the subject of sex or lack of it. I said, “Can we talk for a second? I’d like to broach the subject of our sex life. It seems to me…” That’s where she cut me off. I didn’t say anything else for the next several minutes. All I did was listen to her scream (many times almost incoherently) at me about how if “You want sex you have to earn it.” and “Is that all you want from me, fucking?” and “I don’t like sex like you do.” and “You’re such and asshole for brining this up.” and “FUCK OFF AND GET OVER IT.” For the next several days, her attitude was very snotty and she was inexcusably rude to me for no other reason than I tried to talk to her about a problem I was having.
Once again, someone please correct me if I’m wrong but when there is a problem in a marriage isn’t it the RIGHT thing for a spouse to approach their better half about the problem in a non confrontational way in hopes of resolving said problem? I thought that was the right thing to do, but I got raked over the coals for it. Whenever she had a problem with me, she would simply tell me, this is how you are going to behave, or this is how your are going to do this from now on. There was no discussion or agreement, she just told me, that’s how it was going to be whether I liked it or not.
It was then I realized how one sided this “marriage” was but it took me much longer to realize why she acted that way. It didn’t occur to me until almost 20 years later… she is incapable of accepting the fact that she may (from time to time) be wrong and she absolutely won’t take responsibility for her own actions… whenever one of her decisions went bad, it was always my fault. You may be thinking that I’m exaggerating but I swear to you, I’m not. After all, I was an “Asshole” for even bringing up the fact that I didn’t like our current sex life.
For the next several months and years, I would attempt to broach the subject in hopes of getting a different response but it always ended the same way. I was an “Asshole” a “Jackass” even a “Bastard”.
But yet, I stayed. I’m an eternal optimist and I kept wondering if there was an underlying problem that perhaps she was dealing with and if I could figure out what it was, I might be able to help. Then I heard a song on the radio and it struck a cord with me (no pun intended). I thought that I had finally figured out why my wife was so distant and angry and I couldn’t wait to get home and talk to her about it.
As it ended up, I did touch on a problem she was dealing with, but it made things infinitely worse. And once again, I was lost for an answer.