As the title says, it's getting better all the time... we still hit some rough patches from time to time (who doesn't) but we're working on it. She understands that the open marriage is off, at least for her... she seems to suggest from time to time that she's still OK with me doing whatever, that she's not jealous, but I'm not in any hurry to test that. We made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas without any flashbacks, but New Years was a bit rough. Last year we watched a movie and had sex right before the ball dropped, but I had a panic attack and couldn't keep it up, and it ruined the whole night, and triggered some more bad behavior on her part. This year we watched two movies that had to do with open marriages - Hall Pass and The Freebie. Hall Pass was ok, didn't bring up any issues, but The Freebie was rough - according to her, it struck too close to home, in that the guy said it was ok then flipped out when she did it. I didn't push the issue, although one of these days I'm going to have to, if she keeps making little jabs like that... it shouldn't have struck so close to home, because her behavior during her fling was completely different than what I had said was ok.
Speaking of, I've been doing a lot of thinking about it, trying to get myself to forgive her and get over it so we can move on, and I've narrowed it down to two issues: 1. She was selfish, doing what she wanted to do even though I told her I wasn't ok with it, and refusing to do what she could have done to make me ok with it. She put herself and her fling before me and our marriage. 2. She hid her activities from me, and wasn't honest and open the way I needed her to be. Now, maybe that makes me the selfish one, but if she has committed to a relationship with me, then I think I have a right to place certain limits, and she has the responsibility to play within those limits if she wants special privileges outside of the marriage.
I'm off the meds, and feeling pretty stable, although every once in a while I do have to pop a Xanax. The issues we're dealing with right now are that her drive is a lot lower, and she was recently reminded of some issues from her past that are interfering with her ability to open herself to intimacy, and that I'm getting old (I guess) and so have been needing more and more time to "reload" and be ready to go. She's asked me not to masturbate, so that I'll be "ready when she needs me" - why this doesn't go the other way, where is she when I need her, I'm not happy about... especially because I can't go longer than about 5 days without release. We had a couple of sessions where I took care of myself after 6 and 7 days, and of course she came to me for sex the very next day and I wasn't "reloaded" and so it took a long time for me to climax, and tore her up inside a bit. The last few times have been closer together, and have been pretty damn good, too, so... we'll have to ride this out and see where it takes us.
I could go on for pages and pages, but the bottom line is that I'm hopeful things will continue to get better, and that everything will be OK.