First of all, I never know what to write about, most people seem to write about sexual encounters or other sexual matters. None of those interest me much at the moment so if you are looking for a sexblog, please leave this page. Secondly, writing a blog costs quite some time if you want to make a decent one, the fact that my native language is not English will not help writing a blog and writing itself costs quiet some time.
Let's start with a small table of contents of the things I want to share with you.
- Relationships, seen from my own perspective
- Future plans, where do I want to go and how am I going to reach it.
Ok... so Relationships. I will talk about relationships in the general sense of the word. Not sexual relationships, just relationships in general with all the people that you encounter in your life. Generally people enjoy interacting with other human beings. This gives us a sense of acknowledgement. We enjoy to be wanted, we enjoy it if someone cares about us. I like every other person wants this too, to be acknowledged. In my teenage years this was a big thing. I wanted to be everyone's friend and I wanted everyone to like me. I had a hard time saying no to things and I would often get myself dragged into situations because I said yes to something I actually didn't really wanted to do. Just some background information about me, I have always been a carer, caring about other people, making sure they are having a good time and often I would gladly do that at the expense of my own enjoyment. I have always been a giver in relationships, smoothing deals and compromising to keep everyone happy, perhaps even an opportunist, making sure I was friends with everyone so I could always use them for something else later. Some would say I was nosy, meddling in other people's affairs because I was so arrogant to think I know the answers to all life's problems. Another thing I seemed to realize now is that I am a real supporter, I enjoy helping other people but I never want anyone to help me, since I think I am not worthy of their time and perhaps a hassle.
But then a change came, I do not know when this happened or what the trigger was, but lately I have been feeling a lot different about relationships. Perhaps it is because I am a lot more busy with my life and a lot more responsible than several years ago. Nevertheless a change occurred in my life. I look at relationships with a different perspective. Like in the past I would want to have relationships with many people at possible, having lots of friends, that has changed. Now when I look at relationships and when I meet new people I ask myself the following question: Will this person add something positive to my life, perhaps a learning experience or a chance to improve myself, or will this be a person that I invest a lot of time in and never really get anything in return. This new method of thinking has changed a lot of my interaction with people I already knew and people I have never seen before. One example is that I am dropping old friends. People I used to enjoy talking to now seem annoying and a pest, it seems that I always have to give, and never I can take. Slowly but surely I stop talking to these people and they are disappearing out of my life. As I was always so warm and caring, I now turned cold and selfish. Another example is how I interact with people from my university. In the past years I would occasionally have a drink with some costudents and meddle in their affairs and be in general a typical nice girl. Now I do not care what they do and what their dreams are, I just want them to act professional and do their jobs if I have to work together with them. To my surprise I have been growing more distant from my family as well, perhaps it is because I have the feeling they taught me anything I need to know and that they can not add more to it. The last year we had some financial problems and I helped my family out at cost of my own. Part of me is happy with this, I could do something back after all the years they took care of me, but partially I feel mad, that I have to help them, and thus delaying my own future plans. Them being like a stone around my leg whilst I travel the road of life. Perhaps I am just being selfish.Even though I do not care about a lot of people in my life anymore, I am still glad I care about my close family and my close friends.
Lets see, oh yes, my future plans. I am still a young woman, only 22 years old. There are so many more exciting experiences ahead of me that I have yet to discover. There are some things that I have done the past months that have changed the way I look at the future. First of all, I have learned that whatever I end up doing in my life, whether I want to start my own business or work for a boss, I want to work alone. Be as less dependent from other people as possible. If I fail, I have failed alone, no one else to blame. If I achieve something, I achieved it on my own power and not because of someone else. This goes hand in hand with the previous paragraph, people tend to disappoint me, or I have too high hopes. So yeah working alone sounds good.
Then we go to the next part of my future. Traveling. I still have big plans traveling wise. I want to see as many places as possible and taste as many cultures as I can. However money does not grow on my back and I have not married a lottery winner yet, so things might get complicated. At the moment I have very little money, so I have two options concerning my traveling strategy: 1. Go find an internship in a foreign country and pay for my travels like that, 2. Wait for a few years until I have more money and use that to cover the expenses and have a good time traveling the globe. I am leaning myself to option 1. I got a general idea of how I am going to sort this out. I will go to Australia and see if I can find a balance between working and traveling. It seems that the Australian economy is built on backpackers that come and go. This however pops up certain questions in my head. I have never been far from home, or long. A journey like this can last easily half a year. Can I stay this long from home without getting homesick? Will it be easy to leave the fatherly house, be gone for half a year or longer and then come back to live under your fathers roof again. I think I would get frustrated and I would want to leave, but getting back into the daily life in Holland again would take some time to get accustomed to, plus I would have to find a job and an apartment that I can afford without selling a kidney on the black market. I am also afraid that if I don't do anything like this when I am young, I will never end up doing them.
What else belongs in my future, ah yes. Love life and all that jazz. At the moment I do not care about finding a girlfriend/boyfriend to hold my hand and to live the rest of my life with. I am too caught up on my own ordeals to have a significant other to worry and care about. I have been alone for quite some time now, several years and I am getting used to it. I am free and I don't have the idea I miss much. In a sexual sense, I don't have sex these days, I actually do not miss it, sex has been disappointing for me quite often and I am not sure if that thought in my subconscious has totally killed my libido. There are some times that I feel alone though and that I feel that I need someone to cuddle with me in my bed, but those moments are growing more rare by the week. Perhaps some day I will find the perfect one and I hope by then I am sexually energetic and up to no good(without making trouble in my neighborhood).
I think I have poured enough of my heart in here now, it is slightly frozen but it still functions.
Now it is time for some random frustrations of mine:
1. People that use text speech. I swear the next time I get a pm on here saying : bb h r u? I will hunt him down and will not rest until I glued his balls to his thighs or incase if its a woman, steal all her left shoes so she can hobble around crying for help balancing on one leg. Text speech is the bane of my life and the demise of the world as we know it. People of my generation are butchering their languages because apparently it is "cool", faster and easier to type. However I think that reading things like that is a waste of time and a reply is even a bigger waste of time.
2. Disrespectful behavior. On here and in the real world outside of your basement( I know most of you have no windows but there truly is a world out there) people forget to communicate respectfully with eachother. This is an addition to my previous frustration. People forget that certain etiquette are in order when you interact with other people. Simple things like waiting for another person to finish speaking or being respectful to elders seem things of the past. Things like this can make me really mad and make me fear what this next generation will do with the world that we live on.
3. Calling men studs and calling women sluts. People of my generation tend to be mean to other people. One of the things is that men seem to measure their greatness by the amount of people they sleep with. Sex is starting to become less of a taboo these days in most parts of the worlds and people tend to talk more open about it. However people can be so incredibly mean and unfair. A man would be awesome in his friends eyes when he sleeps with a lot of different women. A woman on the other hand would be called a slut by everyone. Why are we doing this, why do we communicate like this, why are we making this clear distinction between how we treat a man and how we treat a woman when they basically do the same thing.
These are just a few examples of things that bother me. I will look forward to your reply's and if you don't want to reply, I hope you learned something from this blog or atleast got some insight regarding my life.
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