I had a very strong relationship with a girl from high school since we were young and eventually I developed feelings for her. We were never in committed relationship as the right time for both of us never seemed to occur but we have always remained close. I consider her to be the first person I've ever really loved. We are still good friends to this day and I consider her 'unfinished business' as I've been after her for so many years but it never worked out. For the sake of this story let's called her Janet.
Because of my involvement with this girl I have limited sexual experience with other women as many others did not appeal to me as much as her. Not to say I didn't/don't find other women attractive - its that she was always the one that appealed mostly to me.
Then when I masturbate I sometimes think of a different girl but when I achieve orgasm she 'pops in' my mind and suddenly I am thinking of her! Also, when I look up pornography I sometimes look at shemale porn and find it a huge turn on. I really like watching them dominate other men. I have experimented sexually with other men in the past but I consider myself to be straight as I could never be romantically involved with men. I was drawn to some casual encounters through craigslist by the ease of sex compared to trying to get in bed with women but I also wanted to try being a 'bottom' as I could not easily try this with a woman in the future. For some reason I've always really liked the idea of being the receiving end of anal sex regardless of whether it were with another male, transexual or female with a strapon. I am now 22 years old.
The thing is that EVERY TIME I watch this type of porn that girl will always pop into my mind at the end. I'll then suddenly feel that gay sex or shemales is very wrong and just have her in my mind as a 'comforter' and I'll fall asleep in bed thinking of her.
In addition to this all, Janet is bi and has been in relationships with both men and women during our friendship/relationship.
I'm starting to see another girl now and I feel I need to sort myself out before things might get serious. What on earth is going on in my head???
This post has been edited by Miss_C.: Thu Sep 01, 2011 04:06 PM
Reason for edit:: Removed age. Replaced it with the word "young."