Sex Drive or lack of
Posted Fri Sep 09, 2011 03:06 PM
When we do have sex she does enjoy it very much. Her lack of desire is not related to performance, she is very good, and she benefits from it. But from the start sex has always been a tool for her. She has always used it to gain something, or to have some power. Now that all this has been brought out I told her how I feel about it always being some deal or bargain and she agreed it was not right. Well she is still doing it. So now I am getting to the point where it is an issue to me even if sex is available because of the trust and feelings I have over the way she approaches it.
So who else out there has this gap in sex drive and what do you do to resolve it. Does any one else deal with this negotiation issue for sex? Ex. a deal that if you do ____, I will give you a BJ, or have sex ect. It is driving me crazy.
Posted Fri Sep 09, 2011 04:54 PM
Posted Fri Sep 09, 2011 06:35 PM
Get a lawyer and go your seperate ways.
Posted Fri Sep 09, 2011 10:47 PM
You need to leave your wife. It's not a sex drive thing. It's a trust and integrity issue. If she betrayed your trust in the past (especially financially) this is a major red flag to your relationship. If the trust has broken down, it's over. If she is not satisfying you sexually, but sending nude photos to another guy, it's a very bad situation. That alone gives you an "out" to your marriage, hopefully without a huge amount of conflict. But hold onto your wallet, it could get ugly.
You could try going out on your own and finding an "HSA" or fuckbuddy. As there are probably a million or so guys looking for the same thing, good luck with that. You could also try hooking up with one of her friends, but that may only raise the conflict level to an unreasonable point. Best to move on.
Sorry to hear about your situation.
Posted Sat Sep 10, 2011 11:31 AM
I can see though that the relationship is possibly damaged beyond repair... Normally situations with bad sex and trust issues may be very well due to one party's resentment, entitlement on the other. I don't see how this situation can be mended in the end, even with the help of a couselor, but OP, not for a moment think that you didn't have a hand in all this.
I'm not particularly keen in remembering the bad aspects of my failed marriage, but I resented my now ex-husband for many different things... Lack of respect and consideration mostly, and believe me that when there's resentment, the first thing that goes out the window is your sex life. So, I was resented, then that fuel his resentment for the bad sex, then he got aggressive, then I got more resented and so on. I'm sure he ended up resentful as well, and I'd say that him being the person he was, had fantasies of retribution, which were rather scary. Problem is that one or both parties decide to act without empathy, and things just spiral down from there.
OP, you've been given advice to end this relationship, and I tend to agree with it, especially since there are no children in the equation. However, I'd go further and say that you need to take a good hard look at the reasons why this relationship has failed. It's not as simple to say that you have a higher sex drive... Every single man on this board says exactly the same with exceptions here and there. Keep in mind that if the great majority of men say they have higher sex drives, then it would follow that most women have lower sex drives, yet there are still successful relationships where sexual needs are fulfilled mostly because sex is not the focus.
What strikes me the most is that people don't seem to realize that just because you fell in love, you're going to stay that way. Falling in love is easy, staying in love requires some serious work and a lot of empathy for your partner. If empathy is not present in the relationship, sex will die sooner or later, and so will the love.
Posted Sat Sep 10, 2011 12:56 PM
Get a lawyer and go your seperate ways.
This is what you really ought to do, I promise you, but.....
This post has been edited by ilyushin79: Sat Sep 10, 2011 12:57 PM
Posted Sat Sep 10, 2011 01:03 PM
However, in partaking in this game-playing (that's what it is), you might want to be aware that it sounds like your relationship has sustained a lot of damage already. Doing this may work in getting her to be into you somewhat, but it wont lead to a healthy relationship. If this had been done much earlier, it probably would've clarified a great deal in the beginning with regard to knowing what you were really working with. Getting her more into you know (and removing that power trip she's got) isn't going to remove the stigma of what she's got goin' on with the other dude, nor will it improve your interpersonal (i.e., social, emotional, etc) relationship.
I'm going to stop before I get myself riled up. But trust me, I know of what I speak.
This post has been edited by ilyushin79: Sat Sep 10, 2011 01:04 PM
Posted Sat Sep 10, 2011 09:45 PM
Posted Sun Sep 11, 2011 06:57 PM
as a counselor once said to me.
Posted Mon Sep 12, 2011 06:02 AM
A lot of arguements in relationships could be avoided if women used their cunning intellegence to just taking 5 mins when they are not in the mood for sex to just giving there partner a quick handjob,or bj.its all about the release of pressure once a bloke cums he is like putty in a females hand and will not pester her again for a few hours anyway,and then ladies you can get on with what you were doing.its not normal for two people to live together and expect to keep their sex lifes exciting,men would fuck anything at the drop of a hat,but can you blame women for slowing down after seeing you slopping about the place,unshaven,smelly feet,bad breath and farting without a care,just because your married.unlike the movies where 2 people wake up after a night out partying,and start to make out like there breath dosent stiink,or their bits dont need a wash,in reality it takes a lot of effort from both parties,to make it work.
Jealousy is a killer also,you say she has sent pics.to a male,how did you find this out?snooping?does she know you are on here,talking to strangers about your private life and looking at all the sexy ladies?people need their own space even in a marriage,the trick is never to willing hurt your mate,life is really to short,and people should be allowed to enjoy it without guilt.as long as the young and the elderly are protected the rest of us should enjoy the time we have.and if that includes sending naughty pics or going on sex sites so be it.However lying and cheating to cause pain or embarrassment is never to be tolerated,and should be dealt with in a decisive manner,a lot of women marry joe bloggs and think they can change him into what they want,those women are generally let down.men dont marry women to change them,they believe they have found the perfect mate so if she turns out to be a lying,cheating bitch,you had better get out.
Sorry ladies if i have upset any of you with my views,just the thoughts of an experienced honest 58 year old.
you see i don't want to see you first thing in the morning,or watch you doing your bits,i just want to see you at your best.unless you are ill then i would be there 24/7
Posted Wed Sep 14, 2011 11:28 AM
I'm in a similar situation. Most of the marriage, I had a higher sex drive. Then my wife betrayed my trust when I was PCSing from AZ to GA several years ago. I called home and some other guy answered the phone. Then my wife got the phone and denied there was a guy there. Ok. So I asked my daughter if there was a guy there and she said yes. Then that guy started saying something to her and my daughter started crying and said "no, what are you going to do to mommy?" That wife of mine still denies that she was unfaithful, and has become very devout since then while I lost my religion. So now there is not only a sexual incompatibility issue but also a religious difference, along with her prior unfaithfulness and hypocrisy. I've tried to leave her several times, but I have trouble living alone and I am worried about my kids.
Unless you have a good income, child support and alimony is going to kill you. I know its a pathetic reason to stay and put up with her bs, but it is a factor that should be considered. I know a guy that went to jail because he couldn't afford to pay child support. It can really ruin your life to the point that you will need unreported income just to survive.
And if you stay with her and seek better companionship elsewhere, then there is the social stigma against married men running around.
Posted Wed Sep 21, 2011 08:24 AM
I know this might not seem like the best advice but im mentioning it as more of a last resort, which it seems you might be at that point.
Posted Wed Sep 21, 2011 08:36 AM
Posted Thu Sep 22, 2011 06:05 AM
Get a lawyer and go your seperate ways.
every word of this!