What's with this cheating thing?
Posted Tue Oct 11, 2011 12:25 PM
For me it all came pretty clear when I lived on a commune for a year. There the concept of cheating had really no meaning. We all had sex together because we wanted to, because it felt really good, and nobody cared much about who was better, bigger, smaller, prettier, etc. We were all good friends, with generally very loving and caring relationships, and everybody there loved having sex, with anyone they liked, whenever. In fact it felt so natural and free that I'm convinced this is how people really were before all of these sexual rules we imposed on ourselves. Sharing is so much better, and so much more fun, than controlling anyhow.
Now in terms of exclusivity, there's nothing wrong with that either, as long as both feel like its the right thing. But more often than not, that feeling eventually goes away with one or the other, sometimes temporarily or for longer, so what's so wrong about a little cheating to relieve that itch or curiosity. The alternative is frustration, unhappiness and sometimes even misery. There is plenty of evidence to show that humans are not inherently monogamous, so why fight mother nature when you encounter someone else that really turns you on, and the feeling is mutual? And why get mad at someone you love if they happened to find themselves in a situation that led to that. Like I'm not saying to go out of your way and to cheat to hurt someone that loves you, but if it somehow happens, then so what?
Posted Tue Oct 11, 2011 12:35 PM
Posted Tue Oct 11, 2011 12:45 PM
I mean, I haven't had the benefit of living in a commune like you, but I totally agree with what you're saying.
Posted Tue Oct 11, 2011 01:47 PM
Posted Tue Oct 11, 2011 01:58 PM
Posted Tue Oct 11, 2011 02:25 PM
It's not. If you're cheating, then you're pissing on the rules that relationship was founded on; It's breaking the trust and respect of the other person to fulfill your own personal needs; It's going back on your word rendering it useless.
What I do find sad is when people stay in a unhealthy relationship rather than ending it for a better one.
Posted Tue Oct 11, 2011 03:22 PM
Its a commitment, anyone who cheats on their partner lacks character & integrity and their promise means shit afterwards. I personally have no use for anyone like that in my life. Call me old fashioned, I was raised on respect. In order to gain respect one must first learn how to give it. When you give your word, you are suppose to follow it through til the end.
By giving in to lust only proves how weak that person is. Throwing away a marriage or a promising committed relationship over 30 minutes or an hour of sex is selfish. If a person cannot control those urges then that person should not be in a relationship period. I also do not buy into " it just happened" either. A person who is committed to their relationship does not put themselves into a compromising situation that could lead to infidelity. Sure, we all have thoughts and needs, but that is where self control comes into play. We are tested everyday with temptations ( not just sex either ). However, a strong individual can turn away from temptation and can walk away with their head held high & their integrity still intact knowing that they did right, not only to others, but to have right to themself.
Now I am not a fool either. Not everyone is cut out for a monogomous relationship. Some couples swing, thats all fine and good. That is a joint decision that was made by two agreeing parties with like minded views. A committed relationship is the same thing, just with a different set of views and values. I know I would not enter into a relationship with a girl who was into free love. If I did, then if she cheats on me, thats on me for committing to the wrong person who clearly did not share the same morals and values that I currently do. Reasons why when two committed people agree apon said views and morals and one of them cheats ? Its a betrayel of trust and shows a lack of character.
I do not nor have I ever supported cheating. I sometimes understand why some people do it, however, I do not feel that it should be done. If you love and respect your partner and things are not working out, have the balls to speak up and talk about it your indifferences. If you cannot come to a mutual understanding, then by all means go your seperate ways and move on to find what you feel was missing from from the relationship. You may be hated over it at first, but no one, and I mean no one can take away your dignity or respect by walking away with a clean conscious knowing that you did things the right way.
Posted Tue Oct 11, 2011 04:07 PM
If you are cheating on your s/o (and i mean cheating, not swinging when you have both agreed on it) then why are you with them? Do you just not have the balls to break up with them? does it get you off that your shitting all over the basic fundamentals of trust that any good relationship is based on? Do you just really hate them and enjoy deceiving them?
Posted Tue Oct 11, 2011 05:33 PM
This could explain why is some cultures men punish women for cheating, sometimes to an extreme, while looking the other way if they cheat themselves, and also force their women to be confined, i.e. owned and controlled, is so many other ways - by their dress, where they can go, what they can do, etc. Its great that we have evolved beyond that here, but this whole cheating thing seems very one sided, and mostly unnecessary because women are unlikely to cheat unless they feel they are being treated poorly - let's face it its the men that like to stray far more than the women anyways.
Posted Tue Oct 11, 2011 06:14 PM
Posted Tue Oct 11, 2011 09:13 PM
Posted Tue Oct 11, 2011 09:50 PM
Actually, there's nothing to agree or disagree with what Suzi said... It's a well documented anthropological argument.
There is a strong history of men trying to control female sexuality to avoid direct male competition. This is the pattern that supports strong patriarchal societies where only the alpha men actually get whatever they want, whereas the betas scramble to get whatever and the gammas get nothing.
If strong patriarchal societies operate on the basis of male competition, matriarchal societies do so on the basis of cooperation and gender complementarity as opposed to gender (male to female) domination.
Another little detail... Patriarchalism is a relatively new arragement that came into place with the onset of agriculture and the notion of private property. Prior to that, most forager bands were organized around women, and people conducted their sexual relationships in a polyamorous fasion without jealousy.
I mean, everybody is entitled to their own opinions, but no need to diminish valid statements just because they don't suit your erroneous view of the world. You can still "believe", but believing doesn't make something true.
Posted Tue Oct 11, 2011 10:59 PM
Bolded part is very true. Hope you keep it in mind as well.
Posted Tue Oct 11, 2011 11:09 PM
Posted Tue Oct 11, 2011 11:16 PM
Posted Tue Oct 11, 2011 11:20 PM
No, you keep popping up here to invalidate opinions that don't suit you with disdain and contempt... If you had stated your opinion as your opinion and leave it like that it would've been fine... But you try to qualify what Suzi said as biased when in fact what you say is way more biased.
Posted Tue Oct 11, 2011 11:26 PM
Posted Wed Oct 12, 2011 03:42 AM
There's nothing unnatural about this, we are all we need to be very happy both emotionally and sexually.
Through the years I have read so many threads on cheating, and the reasons usually given to justify cheating sound more like excuses than anything else.
Bottom line if you don't have what it takes to be faithful and in a monogamous relationship,the solution is simple don't enter one.That way you'll never feel the need to , or get caught cheating !
Posted Wed Oct 12, 2011 04:50 AM
Let me explain something to you, in every situation there are two sides. in this one there's the one who cheats and the one who is cheated.
The one who is cheated, as all humans, has an ego that can be hurt. An ego isn't a bad thing to have by the way, to a certain point of course. And all people also have insecurities. Some hide it better . One of the benefits of a relationship is that you feel loved, chosen, special. Once your significant other starrts looking for other things than what you are offering you feel inadequate. And it's logical, if what you give isn't enough, that's what being inadequate means.
So the person who loved you, chose you, showed you that you are special to him/her now shows you that he/she needs something else. That hurts you. Knowing you can't satisfy your loved one, can't make him/her happy. Then paranoia starts. You start thinking things like "he knew it would hurt me, but didn't care". And that's because of those nasty chemicals your brain produces when you're in love and don't feel loved back.
I agree that it would be a better world if we all were selfconfidant enough to not feel that way. But we're not. So don't tell me you find it weird that people react this way. It's human nature, deal with it.
Posted Wed Oct 12, 2011 05:48 AM
In my feeble brain I have a defined separation between cheating and sex with other people. Cheating is defined to me as an act (sex, oral, sexting, kissing, cybersex, etc) done behind my back and kept a deliberate secret. Deliberate is key because some random thoughts and chatting can slip your mind, and I've over reacted about that before. For me, the essence of cheating is the lie. Honesty is a core value for me, so again, the key to me is the dishonesty. I can except sex with others - it's fun and gratifying. But it has to be something in the open and talked about.
Contrary to some of the other posts, in my home my wife is the more possessive. She has a hard time with the idea of me having sex with another woman, where as I am accepting of her having sex with another woman or man. She doesn't want sex with another man, so I may never have to test my acceptance in real life!
I don't view LittleKLM as a possession or a territory. To me, she is a partner, my best friend. We've chosen to live our life together as partners and coconspirators. I have never considered her to be someone that I have ownership of. She is my best friend and love of my life.
So.... If my best friend and the person I love and trust most in his world sought out others behind my back and hid it from me, I would be devastated and hurt. That's cheating in the dictionary of Big T. If she talked with me, told me her wants, acted safely and responsibly, then I would be ok with helping her fulfill her desires.
For these same reasons I do not seek to have sex with someone else - I don't want to hurt the feelings of my best friend and person I love.