How Do You Know?
Posted Mon Jan 02, 2012 03:10 PM
So, how do you really know what you're supposed to do? How do you really know if you love someone? Any guidance would be helpful. (Yes, I have a call into a marriage counselor).
Posted Mon Jan 02, 2012 03:39 PM
As far as coming first, its not really about that. Its about the fact that everyday, even on weekends, we don't see him. Im very independent and thats ok with me, but I would like at least one night where he can devote to family. Something always comes up. And it never happens. and thats the problem.
Posted Mon Jan 02, 2012 03:45 PM
I've been married 7 years, together for 12. We've been having issues for a while, most of them are me being unhappy with how things are. Lately we had a great few months. Things going smooth. No fights. Getting along. But I feel more like we are best friends. Roommates. Something is missing and Im not sure how to get it back, or if it was ever there? Okay...having it and losing it is ALOT different than it never having been there. Where were you for the past 12 years? You don't even know if you had it? Really???
I know those romantic, tingly feelings, butterflies, "real in love" feelings fade, but... I miss it. Divorce hubby, find another guy, marry him, then divorce him when the feelings fade...wash, rinse, repeat. See how that goes for you. Divorce lawyers will be the ones who really love you for who you are, I promise.
Details can get a bit lengthy, but NYE we had a big argument. Bottom line, he has a money making hobby that always comes before my daughter and I... funny how you throw in "money-making"....I'd love to hear your hubby's take on this.
and I wanted to do something spur of the moment and I was told I can't pull shit like that, because he's tired of jumping through hoops to deal with me. So not only do you appreciate his money making hobby that elevates your standard of living, but you're high-maintenance, too...
Its frustrating to feel I never come first. Why should you? What is it about you that you should be elevated above all other things?
He always says he'll try to change, but no change ever happens. Probably trying to get you to stop nagging. I'd be curious to hear his side of the story.
Part of me wants to leave because I feel tired of waiting around, but if I left, Id be moving home with family 7 hrs away. I don't want to move my daughter that far form her dad. Part of me is at peace with leaving but the other part, the part that has spent 12 years with him, feels comfortable. And maybe I should just deal with it. THERE IT IS....you like the security, the continuity, but you're not too crazy about the guy (remember, you don't know if you've ever had "it", right?) This is so typical. You want him to make the $, and put you on a pedestal, put you first, and do "spur of the moment" stuff (I'm willing to bet hubby would describe it differently....like maybe "crazy")
So, how do you really know what you're supposed to do? Here's what you're supposed to do : Have a torrid affair for a 20 year old hot latin landscaper...that way, you get your "in love" feelings AND your security! (However, you can't play the victim when he starts to drill the screamin' hot cougar down the block or the slutty young intern at the office)
How do you really know if you love someone? Trust me, you don't love him. You already stated you're comfortable leaving him except you don't want to move you kid away from the dad (not hubby? or is hubby the dad???) and you don't want to leave the /comfort security. That's why you're staying. Ergo, you don't love him. Please let that me go free. Don't be a leech. Any guidance would be helpful. (Yes, I have a call into a marriage counselor).
Do you have a job? Just curious. If you do, good.... If you don't, that explains a lot.
Posted Mon Jan 02, 2012 04:08 PM
I understand everything you said. While all this goes deeper than what I posted on here, I'll say this.
I did work until I had my daughter. It was my husbands decision to have me stay home. Which I am very grateful for, but after 4 years, Im ready to get out and work again. Im feeling a little lost and want to have something of my own. And no, Im not just saying my responses to say what I think you want to hear. This really is the case. He'll be the first to tell you, me getting a part time job cuts into his time, because he's too busy to "babysit" (His exact words) I mentioned his "money making hobby" because thats exactly what it is. He started this and it leaves little time for us as a family which is what I really want.
I did used to nag, a lot. Calling him, texting, when are you coming home? Will you help, etc. A few months ago, it was something I said Id work on. And I have. But, Im not here to prove to you what I am, or what he is.
He knows, if he stopped this hobby tomorrow, Id be happier. (Yes, happier, even with the loss of income). Its not about the money to me. We are fine without the extra...
and yes, its his kid as well, even tho he rarely sees her. Its hard on her too.
We were young when we married. And while Im not sure if Im in love, I know I love him. I know he is my best friend. Im confused, is all. Which isn't a crime....
Posted Mon Jan 02, 2012 04:31 PM
Go see someone as a couple. Before you go, make sure you both want to make it work. If either one of you isn't willing to open up and talk with the counselor then it won't work. I'd suggest once a week sessions to get you started and see what you and the person you meet with decide you need.
If he won't make the time for that, then obviously he isn't that vested in making it work and may in fact be trying to push you away to escape.
Posted Mon Jan 02, 2012 04:45 PM
Would it be possible to convey to him, in no uncertain terms, that his hobby and his demand that you be little more than a babysitter to free him up for his hobby will come a price(you)?
I did used to nag, a lot. Calling him, texting, when are you coming home? Will you help, etc. A few months ago, it was something I said Id work on. And I have. But, Im not here to prove to you what I am, or what he is. I didn't propose a burden of proof. If he is unresponsive to your meeting him in the middle (you stopping the nagging IS meeting in the middle), then I think he's inadvertantly, though clearly, stated his position on the matter.
and yes, its his kid as well, even tho he rarely sees her. Its hard on her too. That's a whopper...I was perplexed when you referred to the child is "my" kid as opposed to "our" kid...I got the impression that there was a little "It's your kid, not my kid" vs. "It's our kid"....
We were young when we married. And while Im not sure if Im in love, I know I love him. I know he is my best friend. Im confused, is all. Which isn't a crime....Of course it's not a crime...I wasn't implying that. What I was implying is this :
You were comfortable with leaving him except for moving your kid away from the Dad and the security that comes with a very familiar, comortable (only because of familiarity, I'm assuming?) relationship...it's a known entity. You're not satisfied with it, but you do know it thuroughly so no nasty surprises or scary unknowns...and I'm right in this interpretation?
If you want to work again, and assuming you will get child support, do you have to move back home with family? Would you be able to stay in the area (assuming that's what you prefer) and sustain yourself financially?
From my experience, it seems that people will either come around, or they just wont. If you husband is the latter, and from what you're saying it seems like he is, communication is key. As you stated, you stopped nagging. That's good...but start communicating. And by communicating, I mean Ilyushin-style communicating.
If hubby is a one way street, I would suggest telling him that unless that one way street is going in the direction that works for both, there's going to be a problem. And since I'm an asshole, I'd totally remind him that his hobby is toast if I left because he's going to have kids every other weekend, no Lisa to babysit. Strangley, your daughter might actually have more time with her dad if you left. He is entitled to know how high the stakes are getting. That's why it's important, in my humble opinion, that you be direct and clear about this. I know he knows how you feel....but does he know how high the stakes are? That's the key. If he knows how high the stakes are, and remians unconcerned...then your choice is clear.
"No more 'working on it', hubby. Either you're going to work with me, or you're not. Which is it?"
That's what I'd say.
This post has been edited by ilyushin: Mon Jan 02, 2012 04:47 PM
Posted Mon Jan 02, 2012 05:35 PM
Posted Mon Jan 02, 2012 05:47 PM
If I were to leave (which is not what I want), I would eventually move back home. My daughter has a real close relationship with our families and its home to me. Plus, doing that, I would have free childcare, since she's not schoolage yet.
I definitely appreciate all the different opinions. Its a lot to think about and i know Im not expressing myself as well as I should.... He is in no way a bad man. He's a great provider and a hard worker but sometimes, once ina while, a little emotion is needed. I never thought about him acting this way because he doesn't want to work on it. We talk a lot about what we need, but, maybe he is over it. I need to ask.
Posted Mon Jan 02, 2012 05:54 PM
Posted Mon Jan 02, 2012 06:17 PM
Posted Mon Jan 02, 2012 06:22 PM
Posted Tue Jan 03, 2012 11:54 AM
Lisa, I hope you guys can work it out !! I wish you guys all the best .
Posted Tue Jan 03, 2012 12:35 PM
Posted Wed Jan 04, 2012 03:43 PM
I am wondering what this hobby is also!
Posted Fri Jan 06, 2012 01:45 AM
Well Lisa, welcome to the hellish state of disillusionment. Not to sound nasty, but this is what happens when you marry someone you're infatuated with instead of someone you're in consummate love with (read Robert Sternberg's triangular theory of love for details).
Marrying young will almost always start out as fatuous love, which proceeds into romantic, which eventually becomes empty, and finally becomes either non-love or hatred (which is a combination of anger and commitment that I believe Sternberg posited about, but I don't have his books close to hand at the moment, and I don't want to get up and walk over to my library to search for them because I am being a lazy bastard right now).
At the moment, if I'm remembering Sternberg's theorems (and I'm not saying I remember them perfectly), you're experiencing either empty or fatuous love. You aren't entirely sure that you want him in your life because he's neglecting your emotional needs (and I need to be clear here, even though it sounds like it, I'm not accusing you of being selfish. Everyone has emotional needs which marriage is supposed to fulfill, and when it ceases to fill those needs, it becomes a source of distress rather than eustress), but you want to put on a brave face and make a go of it because you're scared of being alone and the consequences that may bring, so in effect, you've backed yourself into a corner and given yourself the illusion of having only two choices: stay with him, tough it out, and keep the stability, or leave him behind and venture out into a cold uncaring world that will throw you to the wolves the instant it becomes less amused by your sufferings.
In reality you have myriad choices, some of which are: a. communicate clearly and effectively to him that your needs are no longer being fulfilled by this arrangement and that things need to change now or it won't last, b. simply leave and attempt to start over, c. stay where you are, do nothing, and hope that it gets better on its own (spoiler alert: it won't), d. join him in his hobby and achieve a form of intimacy through that, e. seek professional guidance, etc. etc. etc.
Posted Fri Jan 06, 2012 02:46 AM
What I see here is a problem of expectations... Obviously, the expectation of him being the provider and you the family caregiver is there. That's fine in my book. However, in your situation, I think you're both trapped in your own individual expectations of happiness. Your happiness vs. his happiness... Well, I'm sure the signs were there way back before you got married, but of course, the expectations of neverending romance were there too. People change, situations change, things happen, and reality sinks in.
Yeah, you can decide to tough it out, and forego your expectations of happiness... Not to say that he probably doesn't have his, and that you don't fulfill them either; otherwise he wouldn't spend so much time away. You see, we have too many choices these days, and we can't settle for less than perfection... It has to be exactly how we want it.
Of course, you would know better your situation, and you would have to come to terms with what exactly is that you want. However, if you decide to stay, I strongly suggest that you go back to work. The problem is this... With him spending so much time away, I gather he's obviously not enjoying your company as much. This can be conscious or unconscious... People sometimes don't even realize when they drift away because often they're not so caught into this romantic notion of marriage as strongly, and as a consequence don't put the intensity necessary to sustain a relationship.
In any case, you have your work cut out for you. Don't expect much from him, look for a job, make your own money, there can't be true independence without it. Don't make your disappointment a personal tragedy. But if after you do that, you're still not happy, leave him, but I warn you... Marriage doesn't make people happy... Either you're happy before you go into it or you don't; and happy people tend to make happy marriages. If you ask me, most people aren't really that happy to begin with... They're too fixated with perfection, and that usually keeps them in an eternal state of discontent.
Posted Thu Jan 12, 2012 03:23 AM
Posted Fri Jan 13, 2012 12:15 AM
This post has been edited by rmb91: Fri Jan 13, 2012 12:23 AM