Polyamorous Relationship Help, advice
Posted Wed Jan 25, 2012 03:56 AM
We were getting really close to a friend of mine from highschool and we had a threesome with her and my wife and her were starting to get really close, but my friend was nervous about acting on her feelings because she's never dated a girl or a couple before and so she and I were talking about her feelings and the possibility of us all dating. My wife found some texts and didn't read the whole conversation and took things out of context and missunderstood the convo. It's a touchy subject and she has avoided it ever since. I've been giving her time to cool about it and would like to be able to talk with her further about it, but don't know how to bring it up. Anyone have any experience in these sort of matters?
Posted Wed Jan 25, 2012 09:30 AM
Posted Wed Jan 25, 2012 09:39 AM
Posted Thu Jan 26, 2012 03:34 AM
Posted Thu Jan 26, 2012 11:10 AM
Now this girl friend of yours from school that you've had a threesome with and was getting close to your wife is texting you, not her,why ?
Your wife is ok with threesomes (sex with other girls), but not a gf, as shes mormon ?
I thought mormons do in many cases do have polyamorous marriages.
As you are married would this not infact not be dating but a poly marriage. Or are you just talking FWB.
I think you need to sit down with your wife a talk it through. Polymory means her living with you, not simply as gf, but as a threesome marriage. Otherwise its not polymory.
For polymory all three must be equally in to it and accepting of it and 2 cant be sending texts to eachother unknown to,or have desires, agendas etc, unknown to the third party.
I'm certainly no expert on polymory, as I dont live it. Its just what I've heard from some that do.
If you both just want a gf to join you in the bed (occasionaly) and to be a friend , then thats different as its not polymory.
You might be experiencing a language barrier, but the Original Poster is referring to polyamory, which just refers to having romantic relationships with more than one person at a time with everyone's consent (versus cheating). Polygamy is a marriage of multiple people. Polygamy is a form of polyamory, but polyamory does not require polygamy. Polyamory can include a huge range of possibilities, including one partner having two partners who do not share each other, each partner in a couple having other partners, an equally shared threesome bond, and equally shared foursome bond, two (or more) couples sharing themselves among each other on a relationship level, etc. Some polyamorous families have primaries and secondaries, some aim for full equality. Some define it by being polyfidelitous (faithful to the group) while some define it as each partner involved having the freedom to see others.
Whether OP alone dates GF (with Wife's approval), Wife alone dates GF (with OP's approval), or OP and Wife together date GF, all those situations count as polyamory. Whether GF stays in her own home or moves in with them, it counts as polyamory. If GF gets another partner of her own and continues to see the couple, that still counts as polyamory, just now with a new person in the mix, whether s/he also dates the couple or not. Just clearing up the terminology.
Anyway, you bring up a great point: Why is GF texting OP alone? Also, Wife "found some texts." This implies that both OP and GF were keeping Wife out of the loop.
OP, if you want a polyamorous relationship, whether you all date or GF dates only one of you, then you all must be very open in your communication and exclude no one, particularly at the start. Unfortunately, that is not what it sounds like is happening. Those texts might not seem like a big deal, and maybe they were innocent, but the fact that they existed without Wife's knowledge is reason alone to make her uncomfortable. One of the biggest concerns about including someone into an existing relationship on an emotional level is that the third person is going to steal one of the partners. That you and GF are communicating without including Wife just encourages that kind of concern.
It does not matter if it feels tedious. Share everything with Wife, and encourage GF to do the same. Even if GF just sends a "Good morning" text, she should include both of you, not just you. If she sends just you a message, even something as mundane as she's going out grocery shopping, then tell Wife, and remind GF that she should not just send messages to one person, since that excludes the other. If the relationship eventually becomes strong and solid among you all, then you can start having some just-you-and-GF or just-Wife-and-GF things, but right now, remember that your first and foremost commitment is to Wife. You are now asking her to share you with someone else (and you can argue that she is asking you to share herself with someone else, but think for a moment on whether you would feel as comfortable if the third party was a man rather than a woman, particularly if the friend was your wife's friend, not yours). You must be open about everything. Even tiny and unintentional secrets create the dark spaces where huge and terrifying situations can be imagined.
Monogamous relationships take a lot of work. Polyamorous relationships take even more work. If you are not willing to take on the work that a third partner (which creates four relationships, not one: You and Wife, You and GF, Wife and GF, You and Wife and GF), then you, Wife, and GF should rethink the idea of GF becoming a girlfriend.
Posted Sat Jan 28, 2012 09:00 AM
Last poster was correct on polyamory
My wife knows that my friend and I text and she's often seen her text me and texted her at the same time, my friend texts back and forth with my wife frequently too. We all text each other. The communication is there, but the details of polyamory hadn't been entirely discussed. My friend and I got more in depth about the topic one day when we were texting while my wife was at work. The time that my wife saw a few texts on my phone I had said to her that I was excited to try all of us dating. I had expressed the day before to my wife that I wanted to go to dinner with both of them and she had agreed to it, but my friend wasn't able to make it so my wife and I ended up just going out. Later when talking with my friend about the raincheck and that was the part of the conversation that she saw parts of and got upset. We have since made up and everything is ok. The only issue is my wife and friend aren't currently talking. My friend has been making attempts to talk with her, texting her saying hi and that she really likes her and wants to talk with her and hang out still.
Posted Sat Jan 28, 2012 12:13 PM
That you brought up polyamory (all three of you dating) with Friend before doing so with Wife (dinner does not equate to "dating") seems pretty backwards. Good for all three of you that you cleared everything up, but I understand why Wife was upset. That Wife and Friend aren't talking is a big issue; give Wife time. It's good that Friend is trying to talk, but as I said in my previous response, bear in mind Wife's position. Take things slowly and always include her in discussions and decision-making. All three of you should set the pace at that of whoever wants to take things slowest.
Now, if Wife continues to not talk with Friend, then chances are good that she's just not ready and it's not going to happen this time around. But keep everyone talking... and try to address big things with Wife first and, if important conversations do happen to come up between you and Friend, then talk to Wife about them ASAP, and don't make her find out about them.
Good luck to all three of you!
Posted Mon Jan 30, 2012 07:15 PM
Posted Mon Jan 30, 2012 07:20 PM