First a quick background about my partner and I: We are engaged and have been together for 8+ years now. We both do not believe in the idea of marriage and we both do not want kids. We live together and get along great but due to some issues (which I will explain below), we are now on a 6 month break. She is the first partner I’ve ever had but I am not the first for her. We are both in our 30s.
On to the story (this could get lengthy since a lot has happened so please bear with me).
How it happened
For the past year or so I took some time off work and basically turned into a lazy ass bum. I didn’t do much every day except eat sleep and play games. I didn’t want to go out much, I neglected her, and I took her for granted. Sometime around December of last year, she woke me up for morning sex and she could feel I wasn’t that into it, and shortly after I lost my erection. What happened in bed that morning plus all the shit I’ve been doing the past year was just too much for her and so she suggested a 6 month break. Since then she has been talking to someone she met online that she tells me she likes but is not sure what she wants from him.
I was actually quite shocked when she suggested the 6 month break. We get along pretty amazingly well, and we rarely ever have very big fights, so I just sort of assumed everything was fine. Things were comfortable,we weren’t arguing much, and so I thought everything was peachy. But when she suggested the break, and the thought of actually losing her entered my mind, it was like a giant kick in the balls and I started to get my shit together. Ideleted my games, I started going to the gym and exercising again, and I’m about to dive head first into a new job that I’m genuinely excited about. That takes care of most of the issues that have happened in the past year or so, but there is still one problem: the sex.
Ever since the first time we’ve had sex, I’ve always been the one that takes longer to orgasm. She is my first and only partner, and I think at the very beginning it took 7-8 rounds of sex before I actually wasable to orgasm. I think (but I’m not sure) this has set the tone for the rest of our sex life the past 8 years. She would always orgasm first (sometimes multiple times) and then I would orgasm after. But every time we have sex, I am always so worried that I will not orgasm fast enough that all I do is focus ontrying to orgasm. I don’t know if this is normal or not or what people think about when they are having sex. When I asked her this, she said 90% of the time her mind is just blank and she is focusing on doing what feels good, but for me I am always focusing on trying to orgasm and clenching my thighs and hoping I don’t let her down. There were even a few times where my thighs and butt have actually cramped up from trying too hard…
Whenever we have foreplay – kissing and making out, BJs,fingering, etc. – it’s always been very hot and I have an erection the whole time. It feels amazing and I really enjoy it. But when it comes to the actual sex, I start to worry about if I can orgasm fast enough or not. If I had to put a time on it, I would say the foreplay roughly lasts around 3-5 minutes or soon average, and the actual penetrative sex is about 1-2 minutes before she orgasms. As for me, it will usually take about 3-4 minutes before I can orgasm. This is an issue because once she orgasms, there is a specific time window where she is still wet and still able to have sex before it becomes uncomfortable for her.
What I’ve tried
After the breakup I started to read online about porn induced dysfunction and was convinced that it was something I had. I’ve been masturbating since I was probably like 6 years old and thought the reason was that I’m just so used to the sensation that normal intercourse just doesn’t do it for me. I wasn’t a heavy porn user or masturbator, but whenever I got horny or saw half naked pictures of women, instead of going to my partner I would just fire up some porn on the computer and masturbate. It was never more than once a day and it really depended on my mood, but I think the key issue is that I never stopped masturbating. I always just assumed masturbating was normal and I didn’t even know there was such a condition.
So I decided to delete/cut off all porn and stopped masturbating for as long as I could go. Last week at about the 30 day mark we had sex. It was pretty awesome for me and “good” for her since we were both able to orgasm. The next day, we had sex again and we both were able to orgasm again. I believe this was the first time ever in our 8 years that I’ve been able to orgasm from intercourse 2 days in a row. But… on the 3rd day we tried to have sex again and I lost my erection again She was not very happy about that and I felt like I had let her down. We didn’t have sex again until last night where we tried a new position which hurt my penis a little bit, my butt cramped up, I started to worry again about losing my erection, and then BAM it went soft again
I think this nearly made her cry and it sure as hell made me want to cry/feel useless. She told me to get out of the room and I told her I’m sorry for being so useless and not being able to satisfy such a simple need ofhers, and that I would understand if she wanted to have sex with other guys because I probably would not have wanted to have sex with myself after that performance. I went out for a drive and to get some fresh air and when I cameback we had a talk. The conclusion of the talk was that I should go date/sleep around to see if this is just an issue with her or not.
Where is this going…?
My partner is absolutely amazing. I’m still completely inlove with her after all these years, and I find her to be unbelievably attractive (so attractive in fact that I think she is out of my league). But because of me neglecting her the past year, and what has happened in bed, she thinks that I am not attracted to her anymore, she doesn’t feel wanted, and that I don’t find her sexy. I’ve tried to assure her this is not the case, butI don’t think she really believes it. And I think this is why she is talking to the other guy – because he makes her feel wanted and sexy and at the moment I am just not providing enough for her in that department.
She suggested that during this 6 month break, I date and sleep around with other women to see if I have the same problem in bed with them as I do with her. She told me that whenever we have sex and I don’t orgasm, she ends up feeling awful about herself and doesn’t want to have sex with me again (I can’t say I really blame her, I’d probably feel the sameway…). So she wants me to sleep around so that at least she can compare herself to other women (ie. If I still have this problem with other women, then she wouldn’t feel so bad about it).
I guess there are a few things here that I would like to know:
- What do you guys think about the situation? Should I really go date/sleep around to see if it’s just an issue with my partner?
- How do I get myself to relax more in bed so that I don’t just concentrate on trying to reach an orgasm as fast as possible and actually try to enjoy what’s happening?
- What are you supposed to think about when having sex?
- How long is it supposed to take for a man to orgasm during sex? How about a woman?