What to do? In love, she has someone.
Posted Wed Feb 08, 2012 05:24 PM
I know the title is self explanatory, but I would like if you'd read the entire story before replying. Due to privacy issues I won't mention names nor will I make this too long and detailed.
There's this girl who I know for over a year now, we go to the same school and share some classes. Until recently we were just people who had the same classes. We started walking together from school to the station and I stayed with her waiting for her train, and then taking mine (since mine is always later). She already had someone, so I didn't even have any desire to fall in love with her.
To keep it short; she found out recently her bf, who she had been living with for 6 or so months (she's know him for a year or so I think), cheated on her with several different women. I say cheated, but from what I heard, he was 'sexting' with his ex, and apparently met with other girls trough facebook.
She was devastated because of that.I ended up spending a lot of time and effort trying to make her not feel alone and change the subject when she got unhappy, this was in the middle of exam weeks. I ended up staying after school a bit waiting for her so we could walk together. I also forced myself to make sure I ended my exams the same time as her. I actually thought I was going to fail one or two, but luckily I didn't. I managed to make her feel a lot better whenever she felt down by changing the subject and just being there for her.
I ended up falling for her. The more we talked, the more I realised how amazing she is, and how much she and I have in common. However, I know this was wrong, falling for her while she experienced this is not nice. So I didn't do anything other then being a friend. She now has forgiven her bf and they're back together. From what she tells, he's changing his ways and they're happy again together.
I ended up telling her how I feel when she said she's giving him a chance. She no longer lives with him, but she does sleep over from time to time. She said it's back from the start again with him. Anyway, I told her I had feelings for her, and apologised that I did because of the timing. She said there was nothing wrong, and that it's kind of flattering. She also said she felt sorry that she couldn't answer those feelings due to already having someone.
We're very good friends now, still walking and waiting for our trains, I even sit next to her during some classes and we chat during breaks too. I do notice she likes my company. I gave her a late Christmas gift last month, a comicbook she had been searching for since like 10y ago. she LOVED it, so much that it's her most precious possession. I've never seen anyone that happy (when she opened the gift). She even carries it with her sometimes.
Now here's the issue. I really really love her. More then I've ever loved anyone in my life. I have high functioning autism, and it's hard for me to even go outside and mingle among people. (She knows this as I told her. In fact, she told me a lot of her relatives are on the autism spectrum too). Anyway, she's the first and only person I know with who I feel comfortable to be around. I feel so good, and free around her. I've never know anyone like her. And I don't want to let that go. I'm very conflicted now. My entire life I've done the nice/good thing. I've always given people what they wanted, never what I wanted. And now, I don't want to be the nice guy, I don't want to do the right thing. I don't want to give up on this. And It's so wrong, I know that. I know people don't change, and I'm pretty sure sooner or later the guy will break her heart again. Though one side of me hopes not, since I know how devastated she was when it happened..
I don't know what to do. Am I really a bad person for not letting go of these feelings? I hear a lot of mixed responds when I ask people for advice. Some say I should let her go, most say I should 'fight'. They say life isn't fair and it's ok to want to be happy. But then I ask, what about her happiness? I don't want to manipulate or come in between. Yet if I don't do anything I'm just going to feel miserable and alone every time I'm home, and happy every time I'm at school and she's there.
What should I do? Should I talk to her about this? She already knows I have feelings for her. She appreciates it if people are upfront and don't hide problems, but I don't want to make her upset by telling her how much she really means to me, how much her presence has made my life so much better. Being with her, chatting and sharing stories has been the best moments of my life so far. Should I tell her how much this is troubling me? I would love to tell her how much she means to me, but I fear it's a faint glimmer of hope that is making me want to do this.
Any thoughts/comments? Feel free to ask questions if something isn't clear. Thank you in advance
Posted Wed Feb 08, 2012 06:45 PM
You definitely should talk to her, if you feel so strongly, but first sort out what potential outcomes you can accept... as much as you can, of course. We cannot anticipate every eventuality.
But the top ones that you are looking at (that I see) are that she feels pressured by your continued expression of affection, that she appreciates while repeating that she cannot reciprocate, or that she starts to reevaluate her relationship with someone she does not trust. (Whether sexting = cheating is a whole other discussion, though the long and the short is "it depends upon what the people within the relationship agree upon.")
If she feels pressured, then would it strain your friendship? Would she want you to stop your feelings, or at least stop your expressions of your feelings? You cannot just stop your feelings, and how would you feel about having to suppress them?
If she appreciates without reciprocating, then would that strain your friendship? Would you feel frustrated that you love someone who loves someone else? Would you eventually find yourself resenting or blaming her for the fact that she does not answer your feelings, even though she knows and accepts those feelings?
If she reevaluates her relationship, then that can result in a whole new can of worms. Would you be ready for the different possibilities in that, such as becoming a possible rebound boyfriend, or maybe being the shoulder to cry on, or the friend that she doesn't want to "ruin it with" by dating him?
None of these paint a pretty scenario, but I still think that honesty is the best policy. She says that she does, too. However, you can present your affections in different ways. Are you asking for anything from her? What do you want from her? What do you hope will happen? You have to have some idea of those things before you return to the topic, and they'll influence the way you approach her. If you conclude that your love is there, but you really think that you can just be a supportive friend, then tell her that. If you conclude that you need a romantic relationship, then don't lie about it, though do be ready to accept that it might end the friendship.
I don't know her (or you, for that matter), so cannot promise that talking to her is going to make her leave a man she doesn't trust in favor of being with you (which is, I assume, the most desired scenario). In fact, that is probably not very likely. (No insult intended towards you; it's just that many of us don't leave boyfriends even for male friends who confess love to us.) So, again, be aware that there may be other possibilities. Determine what possibilities you truly want and which ones you can live with.
Use those to determine your tone and words when you talk to her again.
Posted Wed Feb 08, 2012 06:47 PM
you can tell her how much she means to you but it doesn't need to be some romantic overture. you can say it simply because she is your friend, and because you appreciate her. but she knows how you feel, and maybe she will end up feeling the same way, but if she doesn't you shouldn't resent her for it and you shouldn't stop being her friend. it sounds like the two of you do have a great friendship and it seems stupid to throw it all away.
Posted Wed Feb 08, 2012 07:29 PM
Posted Wed Feb 08, 2012 10:54 PM
What to do? Simple - do what you think would make her the happiest.
Posted Thu Feb 09, 2012 02:34 AM
I don't want to lose the friendship, she's sort of the only friend I have (in terms of trust, and comfortability to be around). I think I'll tell her what she means to me. But as I said, I'm going to think this trough first, especially everything you said DE-DarkEyes.
Posted Sat Feb 11, 2012 11:27 AM
First of all, I think you need to give yourself a bit of a break here. You said that you know "it's wrong" to have feelings for her. It's not wrong, and you can't control what you feel for someone. What you CAN control is what you say and do about those feelings. So take a deep breath and realize that you are NOT the bad guy here simply by falling for her.
You have already expressed yourself to her once, and rather than express a desire to explore a romantic relationship with you, she chose to give her boyfriend another chance. Do you believe she looks at you as more than a friend? From what little there is to go on, it sounds to me as if she doesn't. You said her response was that "it was OK, and she was flattered." What that says to me is that she likes you a lot ... as a supportive friend ... and she wants to keep that relationship going with you, but that she has no romantic interest in you. By expressing your feelings again you are not going to change that. If you said to her that your favorite ice cream is chocolate, and she said her favorite was vanilla, then she told you that again next week "You don't understand, vanilla is THE BEST EVER," does that mean your favorite would suddenly become vanilla?
I would ask myself... is there anything substantively different that I am saying now that I haven't said before, or am I just stating the same thing more strongly?
Here's how I look at the situation. As I see it, (and you may see more) there really are three basic outcomes to expressing your feelings again:
1) Nothing much happens. By that I mean that she expresses the same response she did before, and your relationship is the same but you have the benefit of unburdening yourself of this bottled up emotion. I see this as highly unlikely, not implausible. For some people, getting it off their chest will relieve them of the burden, and even if the affection isn't returned, they feel much better about it. For others, it would leave them literally in the same place as before, with all of the emotional conflict they had before with an added dose of frustration that you aren't getting your feelings returned. From her perspective, I would think this probably means that she's hoping you'll drop this soon because it will strain the friendship if you can't both move past this point.
2) She feels pressured by you. By re-expressing yourself you are saying that you are not willing to let this go. Instead of being a supportive friend, you are now a competitor for her affections - one that she has already rejected in that role. For her, at this point there are multiple questions that crop up. CAN I be his friend? What will my boyfriend think if he finds out about this? Am I going to risk my relationship with my boyfriend for this friendship? Am I setting myself up for drama I don't want? Was he just being this nice friend just to get with me? .. and on and on ... In the end, the outcome of this will likely be the end of the friendship.
3) She realizes she has feelings for you too. I caution first by saying this is BY FAR the least likely outcome, and I'd be surprised if this is what happens... that having been said, your first reaction probably was "Great! That's just what I wanted!" .. but maybe not. Those feelings may throw her into short term confusion and her response might not be in keeping with that realization.
These only are possibilities. You are the only person here who knows her, how she might think or react, and really are the only one who could make a guess as to what she's going to do. Just be prepared. One possible outcome is that she breaks off all contact with you. Are you willing to accept that?
Are you the type of person who can continue to be a friend despite the feelings that you have? Some people can do this, and for them the best course of action for them long term is to try to salvage the friendship by burying the feelings and not saying anything. Others are consumed by their feelings whenever they are around the person, and the friendship is doomed from the start, so they may as well take the shot and express themselves.
The "right" solution in your position (and by that I mean the one that leaves you happiest long term) is not the same for everyone, and has to be tailored to what you know about yourself. DE-Darkeyes is absolutely right that you have to think very carefully about the potential outcomes of what you say.
Sorry to ramble a bit. Guess I had more to say than I thought.
Take care says the JoeBear
Posted Sun Feb 12, 2012 08:13 AM
Posted Sun Feb 12, 2012 10:04 AM
It's best to try and be the friend she wants me to be, and not go for anything more. Last friday she mentioned that she talked a lot about me to her bf, who thinks it's sometimes "too much", (meaning the stuff I do to be nice.)
I generally am an overly nice person which has gotten me in trouble before. Last friday I suggested to stay at school with her while she studied for some exam (she had to wait there for 3h before she could take it, so I wanted to just be good company as a friend) but she got a bit upset/uncomfortable, so I did leave. It's when she told me she talked about me to her bf.
I realise I best suppress w/e I feel, for the sake of the friendship.
Again, thanks for the different perspectives on this. Sometimes ideas seem so much better in my head