I'm at the most horrible crossroads! Very confused about my LTR and other women
Posted Mon Feb 13, 2012 03:48 PM
I'm 35 y.o and from the UK. Been in a relationship for 4 years, living together, no kids. I think we're a bit in love, does that sound strange? No family but we're half thinking about it. Just reading this makes me sound fairly half-arsed (as we say!) I've discovered in recent years that I really don't know what I want. We're not unhappy together but it kinda seems a bit directionless and I sometimes get a strong feeling that I need to have some sort of erotic adventure elsewhere, but I haven't actually done that.
In recent weeks this urge has been overwhelming. I don't want to end things with my gf over a silly urge, so I haven't spoken to her about this, kinda hoping it was just going to go away but it hasn't.
Lately it has taken me into dangerous territory. I very nearly hooked up with a woman last week, but we both had second thoughts and cancelled. We both know what would have happened and I guess we both found that quite heavy.
Last night was also one of the hardest nights of my life. I was out with a very special friend, known her since we were kids, grew up together. She is amazing, sexy, funny, you name it. Not a man in my town who wouldn't want her. Haven't seen her for years and probably won't again for a few more. I was thinking it was the best opportunity ever, now or never kinda style.
We were alone for hours just talking and laughing and stuff, watching films with lots of touchy feely stuff going on. However, as drunk as we were and despite the good fun nothing happened. This is not the first time, where neither of us will dare make a real move, but we both know that we'll go home and think about it and want it, but just never do it. Feels messed up, but I've always thought about her even when it has been years since we've spent time together and despite the fact I usually have a gf at any given time.
So, I do kinda love that friend, but in a very strange way and it's complicated further by the fact that we just really click and there's an obvious physical attraction that neither of us will ever admit. How am I doing, you still with me, this is long huh?
I am severely confused. I kinda love one person and live with her and consider making my life with her forever. I kinda love another but it's an impossible thing because of that ancient friendship and obviously my current relationship. Mixed into all that I seem to have an incredible boner for so many women that I see now and I really haven't always been like that, not to this extent. I know if that had been any another woman with me last night, it would have happened. Just the fact that we've been best friends forever was enough to save me, if I wanted saving.
So, feels like I'm getting sex crazy, yet I'm only getting at home! I suddenly have this insane intense sexual drive, permanently, it just came out of nowhere. At the back of my mind is also the thought of having a family with my gf. It frightens the shit out of me because I don't feel I'd be a responsable father, but she is keen. I also live abroad most of the year with my gf, I suppose that makes it harder to committ.
I've also alienated a couple of other female friends lately because I basically just owned up that they were hot and I was keen on them. Feels bad man, so stupid. On the other hand I was getting fed up being spoken to like a girl. Pity we're no longer on good terms though. Everything feels wrong.
I'm at a make or break point in life, a crossroads with so many things potentially happening and I just have no idea what to do. I almost can't look at a tasty lady now without thinking to myself, mmmmm. Whereas before I would have just shrugged it off, now I find myself ruminating on it, which I guess is not good. It haunts me to have these ideas when I have such a good woman already, she doesn't deserve this stuff. To be fair though, I technically haven't ever cheated on her.
What should I do folks? Any ideas. Please excuse this most lengthy of posts!
Posted Mon Feb 13, 2012 04:19 PM
Posted Mon Feb 13, 2012 04:45 PM
Posted Mon Feb 13, 2012 08:32 PM
Apologies ahead of time for being so blunt: Do you love her? Do you want to spend the rest of your life married to her? If has to be a unmistakeable yes if you want to commit to someone like that which should be easy after 4 years.
Lusting after other women when you're in a relationship with someone is very common especially when you feel the sex is becoming lackluster and boring. Realistically speaking, sex can't always be what we want it to be when the other person isn't 100% tuned into our desires and timetable. The best thing you can do is talking things over with her to find some middle ground you're both happy with understanding that the impulse to want to fuck that hottie walking by doesn't necessarily go away even with that.
But hey, best to figure this out now then after having a kid stuck in the middle because, and just a presumption on my part, the sex situation isn't gonna get better after you have one.
Posted Mon Feb 13, 2012 08:51 PM
I have to explain this next part carefully. I'm on holiday with my folks, a long way away, like in a different country and I'm due to go back to her very very soon. I suddenly don't feel like it, how can I possibly continue? How could I explain that I saw her because I was browsing the same site? This is all fucked up. I can't believe I've discovered this right before I'm due to go back. I wouldn't care but I've chickened out of straying recently, trying to hold on, and she's probably banging some random dudes while I'm away. I feel like ending it with her but don't know how. Part of me wants to get 100% confirmation it's her, but I'm not sure I even need it, I'm almost completely and utterly certain. Despite her efforts to conceal the background I know where in the house she is.
Posted Mon Feb 13, 2012 09:26 PM
Posted Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:06 PM
Posted Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:16 PM
Posted Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:28 PM
also i think that if after four years you only think you're a bit in love with her, then i think the chances are pretty slim that you ever will be truly in love.
also, don't plan around the cycle. that's not an effective method of birth control and really this situation seems complicated enough as it is without a potential pregnancy coming up.
Posted Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:41 PM
Posted Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:44 PM
Posted Tue Feb 14, 2012 12:31 AM
As you measure it to others, so it will be measured to you. How can you possibly continue? You weren't even sure if you wanted to. All that's changed is you found out you weren't the only beagle in the woods, and you're hurt. Don't be hurt. You should be, above all, able to empathize with her.
In my humble opinion, you're relationship is torched. Don't talk about family, marriage, anything. Bounce. Time to end it. You're both look at other options, and it's not without reason.
Posted Tue Feb 14, 2012 12:41 AM
I have a theory about your looking around and sex drive. I think you are feeling the clock ticking and wanting to make a family. Happens to guys too you know. Think about that and maybe swat it down?
Posted Tue Feb 14, 2012 01:32 AM
Posted Tue Feb 14, 2012 03:07 AM
Posted Tue Feb 14, 2012 10:39 AM
Why can't you just be the bigger person, go home, and say, "Look, we both know this isn't working anymore and I'm leaving. Best of luck to you in the future"?
Posted Tue Feb 14, 2012 10:53 AM
If you still love her confront her about it but don't go over the top (remember you were on here too). If she owns up talk to her to see why she joined the site and depending on her answer depends on what happens next.
Posted Tue Feb 14, 2012 06:47 PM
You want to stay with her because you two have invested four years and everything seems to be going along okay. You seem fairly content, without being really in love. You want to explore more interesting possibilities for sex, but refuse to talk to your partner about your desires. (Ever thought about spicing up the scene between the two of you before looking for excitement elsewhere?) It seems like you are more keen on sticking with something safe and comfortable than admitting that it is not really what you want and having to go through the ugly hassle of breaking up and being single again.
I can relate; I have been in LTRs that I thought meant a lot to me, but realized that it was having the steady mate, not my genuine connection with the particular mate, that I enjoyed. I watch for those old cues a lot in my current relationship (10 years today), since I do not want to just be complacent in my committed relationship.
Still, you are not happy... and not willing to work with your current partner to create happiness. You are looking to play the field, and have been pretty close. At your current pace, it is only a matter of time before you are cheating... and you think (though still do not know for certain) that she already is. You are not communicating with your partner; instead, you look elsewhere for what you think you are missing.
So, do not bother confronting her about the profile. It is just a distraction from what you really need to do. Instead, focus your attention on breaking up with your current partner and playing single for a while. Also, before you let yourself fall into your next comfortable LTR, think about what you really want in a relationship -- including the sexual side -- and be willing to work and communicate with that partner.
Posted Tue Feb 14, 2012 11:24 PM
She put a pic of her back and legs on the internet (at least, you THINK she did); meanwhile, you're 'almost hooking up'. I hope you're not claiming any moral high ground. Have you talked to her yet?
Posted Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:02 AM