Help with past crush please!
Posted Tue Mar 06, 2012 06:17 AM
Going to lay it on the table and get right in to it.
So I met a girl about 8 years ago, was a former co worker.
We had feelings at first, and have kissed, but she ended up seeing someone else and those initial feelings faded.
I have been friends with her since still, and I have been having a crush on her on and off ever since.
I say on and off because I find her very physically attractive, but knowing for so long I realized she's not the type I want to be with, personality and lifestyle wise.
In my alone moments I do jack off to her. And I have thought about her while sleeping with other girls.
When I look at it logically, she's not model-material attractive. So I really don't know why I find her so appealing. When I see something similar physically with another girl, it certainly draws my attention.
And I jack off to her at least once a week still, after all these years. Shes the top pick in the spank bank. I've tried replacing her many times.
My other crush from high school I felt similar to has fizzled away on it's own for whatever reason, and at the time she was just as appealing as this girl.
I have tried multiple times to not think of her, and have managed about an entire month.
Then I'm back again, jacking off and thinking about her physically.
I've gone as far as to fantasize about her having a very appealing identical sister or cousin, who I'm actually jacking off to instead, possibly just to alleviate my guilt for STILL thinking about her after all this time. But it doesn't work.
Every time I take a break from jacking off to her, and then come back to it, it's always the best feeling. Probably how a drug addict feels if they haven't had their fix in a while. "Why did I ever leave this?" kinda thing.
It seems to the point where, if I were to actually sleep with this girl, it would probably be disappointing as she probably wouldn't be anything like my fantasies.
It's not even a jealousy thing, I'm not bothered by who she's in a relationship with. Nor do I stalk her or do anything else weird. It's purely in my head.
Maybe the appeal is the "want what I can't have" thing. I don't feel much of a "sexual energy" from her as a person. All the other girls I've slept with, I've recognized that in them and was able to connect. Just this one, in real life, there's a barrier.
On rare moments when I'm out with her, this thing inside me says go for her. But then the potential awkwardness stops me. We haven't spoken about us being in a relationship or anything at all ever since we met, 8 years ago. It's just never been a topic of discussion. Even as friends now we've grown apart a lot.
I can't imagine it's healthy to keep fantasizing about a made-up very sexually pleasing version of her.
Is this one of those things that I need to let myself grow past? Like when I find someone who does fulfill me sexually, I can't see myself still thinking of this girl. But I don't know until it happens.
I'm trying to fight the feelings right now. It's been about a week and a half. But I can still feel that "excitement" and draw of wanting to go jack off to her again. Still gives me that warm feeling of anticipation in my gut when a positive thought crosses my mind during the day. To clarify, jacking off to her doesn't interrupt my life. It's not like I take multiple washroom breaks at work for it. Like any other guy, I just use my at night, alone, prior to sleep time.
Sometimes after I've done the deed, I get the feeling of "what the hell am I doing still thinking about her?" but more often I get "That was awesome, let's do it again."
Does anyone have any insight on this? Much appreciated!
Posted Mon Mar 12, 2012 04:03 AM
Posted Mon Mar 12, 2012 04:10 PM
However, I'm far junior to you in this situation so I haven't got any useful advice. If anything, you're the one more in a position to give advice to me!
Normally, the board is full of lots of people spouting their advice ranging from one extreme to another. I'm surprised this has been left alone...perhaps post it in the 'relationships' sub-form? It could fit there and threads normally get a lot of responses from there.
Posted Tue Mar 13, 2012 02:44 AM
If she's good material for jacking off, then stick with it so long it doesn't break the "obsession threshold" to where you're liable to do something untoward...but your post indicates you're not on the verge of doing anything wierd.
As for what to do...shit, whatever you want. I mean, ask her out. The absolute worse case scenario is that she says 'no', in which case you'll be in the exact same position you're in now. It can only go up from here, man...not down. So see if she's cool with you that way. And if, as you suspect, you guys end up not being a good fit personality and lifestyle-wise...well, then break up. End result, you got what you wanted....and then dropped it when it's no longer something you want. All arrows point to seeing if you can hit it.
If you don't, you're just going to be geeking out forever about this. See if you can hook up...if not, you'll know it was never an option...if yes, roll with her until you don't want to. Once you're at the point you don't want to be with her, you'll be totally ok with not being with her!
But I gotta say, I totally hear you about being into chicks that aren't your proto-typical model "hot"...some women just have a certain "something", and it's very rare, that piques my interest. If they don't have it, I don't care how hot they think they are...not interested. That's why I like seeing chicks come on here and post shit like "oh, I can have any guy I want."....LOL, no you can't.
Posted Wed Mar 14, 2012 06:08 AM
I've seen the girl recently, and I just wasn't feeling it. She looked fantastic and even her giggle was a turn on. It's just her personality that I'm not digging...
I think I just need to interact with more women and find one that is attractive all around.
It almost seems like I've been using her in my mind as someone to fall back on; to "default" to, since I haven't met anyone better that has stuck around.
As a side note; perhaps a moderator could move my thread to the relationships forum please I'm still interested in a wide variety of opinions!
Posted Wed Mar 14, 2012 06:38 PM
In a way, I agree that you're addicted to the illusion of her as a lover. It is possible that because you never got to have sex with her (as I understood it) you were never able to wear off the feelings of infatuation, which actually disappear after the initial infatuation dissipates. I think that if you were to hit it off with her, all these obsessive thoughts will get out of the way in no time, especially given that you yourself realize that her personality as such is not a real match for you.
In any case, you'll be the best to understand what you can do about your situation... I don't think that using her to get rid of your infatuation would be fair to her and I although it might resolve the issue, it wouldn't be healthiest way. Maybe you could have some closure by actually talking to her, and by this, I don't mean telling her that you jack off to her every so often, but more in the sense of telling her that you need to talk to her about something very intimate while excusing yourself beforehand for what you're about going to say. Then explain to her that after you two met, and kissed, you always wondered about how it would've been actually having a relationship with her. Do this while excusing yourself profusedly and stressing that you mean no disrespect, but that you just wanted to her to know that, and that you really aren't expecting anything from that conversation.
I know approaching the subject can be weird, but if you do it tactfully you could bridge the feelings of awkwardness and possibly put some closure to your situation.
Posted Wed Mar 21, 2012 03:01 AM
Yes I have had other relationships and met many other women since I've met her.
I don't feel as though these thoughts of her prevent me from being interested in other women.
I see this girl maybe once a month, if that. Although, in the first couple years of knowing her, I did see her very often.
Back then, usually we were hanging out with mutual friends, and there were instances where one of these friends would taunt at the idea of us dating or being together. This friend would belittle the idea, like accentuating each others flaws. And this girl picked sides with this friend. Of course, since we are all more mature now, I understand these childish things stem from this particular friend's self-esteem issues and whatnot. But back then, that was a barrier.
I understand what you are suggesting I do. And logically, that seems to be the best thing to do. But over the past couple years, I've really come to grips with what I want in a partner. And she just isn't lining up with that. I have this idea in my head she'd be a project if I was to date her. When I do see her in these rare occasions, we really don't have much to talk about. We have changed a lot since we've met, and I feel we have very few common interests or grounds for conversation. I just don't know what we'd build on. Would you still suggest I take a chance with it?
I'm used to the whole spark of initial interest when I date someone new, because there's so much we don't know about each other. But taking a step in the dating direction with someone who's become a friend, that's a realm I'm unfamiliar with.
As a side note, I still get very very strong desires to jack off to her since I made this thread, but I haven't let it consume me!