The situation is thus;
A good friend of mine and his partner moved into their own place prior to the Christmas that has just gone, with doing that their place has become more of a social meeting place for me and their friends and we've all got along just fine. However being close mates with my friend, he jokingly said one day that I should find my self someone nice, and he knows just the person.
This person turns out to be his partners work mate, that works in the centre of my town. We ended up being both off work one day and we paid his partner and this girl a visit in their shop. Instantly I took a liking to this girl, which I mentioned to my friend upon leaving. Fast forward a few days and low and behold, this lass and myself were both invited round to my friends place, which after the evening had finished and me and the lass had gotten on really well, I asked her if she wanted a ride home with me, as I only lived round the corner from herself.
This occurrence of being round the same friends house at the same time happened a good handful or more times, mostly deliberate so I could see her, and then it came around to a friends birthday, which when the lass was out too, I instantly thought to myself, WOW. I couldn't describe it any other way. I had already been attracted to her a lot just by seeing her the once but having seen her more and more then out in the town on a night out, I knew there was some real attraction there.
To cut a long long story a little shorter, we exchanged numbers and text quite a bit. A group of us decided to go out for tea one night, but fallouts between the other couples meant it was called off, I suggested to the lass we go out still, we did and we got on like a house on fire. We have been hanging around a lot recently, and when spending a couple of days apart I miss her so much. We trust each other 110% and tell each other all sorts, and we haven't known each other for more than 5 months. I have completely fallen for this girl, she is intelligent, fun, great personality, beautiful and i notice she does these little things that just make me go all gooey.
The spanner in the works that she is seeing someone, not only that she is engaged. Stupidly, I knew this from the off and it didn't deter me. Why? well, I was informed by my mate and his partner that this lass and her fiancée have been close to splitting up several times, there has been times where she's been scared to go home to him (this also has happened in the time i've known her). However from what she has told me and from what others have said, she's not completely happy, he's cheated on her, he doesn't pay his way (she pays for rent and majority of the bills) and a lot of the time we have been out, she has wanted to stay out with me.
After having that indescribable feeling of knowing she is the one for me, and believe me I have never ever felt like this with any other girl before.. I ummed and arrred about telling her how I really felt, that I feel we could be more than just great friends, but I was scared of losing her all together. After recent events of my good mate dying last year, I figured life is too short for not to tell people the way you feel, as he never told the one he loved and she never told him back, so I went ahead and told her.
She was shocked, very suprised and didn't know what to say at first. But we talked and she admitted she feels the exact same way. The way I make her feel, that I am everything her partner isn't, how I make her laugh, how I comfort her, how I understand her so on and so fourth..and the first time she was attracted to me was on the night out in town. A massive relief off my shoulders and a reply I couldn't of even dreamt of. She's said to me a lot on how she feels about me, but always concludes it with "I can't tell you everything how I really feel as I am in a relationship and its not fair on you or him or myself", which I fully understand. She's a very loyal girl and I trust her so much. We are great together, friends have told us the same, I have even met her grandparents and they messaged her the next day saying i am better for her. Subsequently they invite me round with her for tea one evening when I was dropping her off around there, he best friends thinks she should be with me and her mum and sister (who I havent met and are only judging me by the comments on fb, also really like me).
We have had many conversations and have both become emotional about things and I've told her how hard it is for me to take her home and then have to leave her, its an awful feeling that upsets me a lot, i have been really emotional about it recently and shes been the same. She tells me she still loves him, but she also loves me. She's scared of change and that as he hasn't many friends, if she left him he would have no where to go. Also that her mums always told her to never give up on something straight away, so she wants to try and make it work with him. She's told me not to wait for her and that if I find someone to go for it, but if I did she would be devastated it wouldn't be me and her.
A couple of weeks ago, we had another conversation about our situation. Telling me she still feels the same for me, but we both need to cool it off, she's feeling too smothered and pressured. It was upsetting for us both, especially for me as I am terrible at keeping in my emotions. A few days before, we had been to the cinema and for a drink and we went for a little drive, pulled over and we kissed and played about. This came up in convo, we both agreed it shouldn't have happened but it did, and she said it did feel right and she wanted to do it and didn't regret it.
We were out again the following week, went for a meal and when and parked up on an old air field to look at the stars, both cuddling in the front of my car, I suggested the back where it was more comfey. One thing lead to another and we were all over each other again, it was great and ended up me "playing" with her and i getting oral. This happened a second time on another occasion and we agreed again, it shouldn't have happened but neither of us felt bad and it felt right.
We agreed that the physicalities would have to stop, but saucy texts with pictures continued on and off. I was falling for this girl, and now I had fallen completley. I told her how I felt again, she felt the same back but said she must stop doing this with me, and just stay great best friends, so we did. Everytime we went out, she mentioned and I did that it was hard to resist doing things, she managed greater than I did and I did kiss her a couple of times.
I know it sounds like some crazy puppy love, its not, it's real and we both want to be together so bad. However a meal and a talk last night concluded that enoughs enough, we have to remain friends. She's scared shes losing me as a friend from the stuff we've done. We were both in tears and I assured her no matter what happens, if she stays with him or not, we'd be great friends and I'd be there for her. She's been through a lot this past year, and still has family issues going on now, her step mum dying of cancer for one so I have been trying real hard to keep my emotions out of it and help with hers. She said it was wrong of her to tell me that if she became single, she'd want to be with me, she said no one can predict what or when or even if it will happen. She said that her and him may work out, which is what she wants (she said things would be different if she was single when we had met, wed of been together by now) and she has to stick to her morals, she met him first. She said who knows what will happen in the future, perhaps she will stay with him (i think he will mess it up again, she said if things go bad again, thats it, theyre over), she said she might be single and then meet someone else (I said id be devistated and so hurt if she did, especially as she knows how I feel and I couldnt stand to be around if that happened) or she said we might get together. However shes worried that she will lose me as a friend if we never worked out, too much of a risk etc and thats what would put her off, said we have become too good of friends to take it further now, this really really hurt me, as good friends can be more because you already have the foundations of a great relationship. She's also worried about what others such as our friends would think, ive tried to convince her that only our thoughts and feelings matter and if they are friends they will support us. It's all been very secretive, no one knows our feelings towards each other apart from us. No matter what, SHE IS THE ONE, there is no other girl as beautiful to me in a tangerble sense and in a personality sense and all her little traits, I love her to bits. I haven't even met most of her family but the way she talks about them I am already fond of them. I am also absoloutly upset and terrified for her step mum
I guess now all I can do is cool off the feelings I have for her, or at least hide them the best I can and be there to support her, she said she has nobody else that will support her and understand her like I can, not even her fella, he doesn't want to know. I can't let her down but it will be so hard to just be "great friends".
I know this is long winded, and probably makes no sense but I need to vent. I know I will probably get some replies such as im an idiot for loving someone when they're already with someone, or I should try to forget her..
It's so tough loving someone you can't have, especially when you know that she loves you the same way back. I'd wait for an eternity for her, I really would. But it hurts so bad I'm just never giving up hope that she will either see sense and end it with him or something like that, or things will work them selves out and we'll be together, I know thats very selfish and now, after last night very very optimistic. It's hard seeing less texts off her and no I love yous at the end like we used too, I guess if somethings taken away from you, you miss it more..
I don't know which way to turn at the min, have nobody i can talk to, I can't stop crying and thinking of her... i feel so hurt.
This post has been edited by Beyond Rational: Fri May 18, 2012 10:30 AM