came upon th3s3.
Posted Sat Feb 19, 2005 01:10 AM
A man phoned home from a business trip and his son answered. "Hi, Billy. I need to talk to Mommy for a minute, and then I'll talk to you." To Dad's surprise, Billy whispered, "No." "No? Well, is Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I speak with her?" "No." "Oh, is there someone else there?" "Yes." "Who?" "The policeman." Now concerned, dad asked, "May I please speak with the policeman?" "No. He's busy, too." "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Mommy and the fireman." Growing frantic, he heard what sounded like a helicopter in the background. "Billy, what's that noise?" "A hopper-chopper," whispered the child. "Billy, exactly what is going on there?" asked the alarmed father. "It's the search team." "Search team? What are they searching for?" Still whispering, young Billy replied with a muffled giggle, "Me!"
The teenaged boy asked, "Dad, what's a wedding cost?" His father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying!"
Mother, father and young son were in front of the elephant cage at the zoo. The boy asked, "Mom, what's that?" "That's the elephant's tail, son." "No, not that. Under the tail." Embarrassed, she replied, "Oh, that's nothing." Unsatisfied, he turned to his father. "Dad, what's that?" "Son, that's the elephant's penis." "So, why did Mom say it was nothing?" Dad drew himself up to his full height and said, "Son, obviously I've spoiled that woman!"
Two young college students had just finished having sex when the girl murmured, "I finally did it. I'm no longer a virgin." He looked surprised. "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," she explained, "I swore I'd wait to lose my virginity until I was with the man I love." Astounded, the guy replied, "So you really do love me?" "Oh, hell no!" she said. "I just got tired of waiting!"
A Swiss man needed directions, so he pulled up to a bus stop where two Americans were waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asked. The two Americans just stared at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried. The two continued to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Nothing. The man drove off in disgust. One American turned to the other and said, "You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" said the other. "That guy knew four and it didn't help him at all!"
And a classic, for the road:
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF MERCY.
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE....YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY