My wife is never in the mood
Posted Tue May 29, 2012 03:05 PM
She is never in the mood to do anything with me and when she does its not anything like it used to be. I tried to get her to have sex with me all weekend and failed at every attempt. I finally asked her last night why she never wanted to have sex and she had it all turned around saying I am the one that never wants it. I am the one that is always trying and getting rejected. Then she told me right after that she doesn't have a sex drive. She also just had to replace her vibrator so if she doesn't have a sex drive why did she act like the world was ending when her toy stopped working? I would like to think I didn't do anything wrong and make sure her needs are taken care of first every time.a few years ago she told me I was the only one to ever give her an orgasm and she really liked the things I did to her.
Its almost like we are just roommates now. I feel like she goes out of her way to avoid me. I have also noticed she takes sleeping pills right after she gets home from work. I made a comment about it last night and she got really defensive. It might have been because I asked her if she took her spousal avoidance pills. She has had hormone issues over the years with her weight roller coaster but I can't figure out if its that, me or something else.
Posted Tue May 29, 2012 03:24 PM
It might also have something to do with age. How old is your wife? Is she menopausal? Or have you had a kid recently? These can affect sex drive, too. But even so, that's still largely because of hormones. Trust me, hormones can be a bitch.
Posted Tue May 29, 2012 03:43 PM
Posted Tue May 29, 2012 05:10 PM
And perhaps some resentment concerning your absence. Perhaps she feels let down raising the difficult child alone and thinks you're back and expecting her to just be merry when she's actually fed up.
You guys really should talk more, talk about it all. Not pointing fingers (I'm not saying you're doing it!), but really trying to understand.
And what Backcheck said is so true: if she's self-conscious, no amount of you saying it's OK will solve the problem.
I find that women get quite resentful when they feel they're raising a family alone, or that the guy isn't contributing enough with the children upbringing... I don't have a personal experience, because I don't have children, though.
Perhaps you helping in the house would mean a world to her. Please, I'm not saying you aren't doing these things. I'm just saying things based on people I know, things I've heard. I can't know what applies to you. I'm trying to help, not to offend.
I think if I had to spend a whole day with a spoiled child I wouldn't be in the mood for sex, either (I don't like children). Let alone spending day after day... and if you come home all fresh and energetic for sex, she perhaps feels like "of course he's like that: he didn't have to stay home with this child"...
It could really be so many things. You've gotta talk more. And that isn't easy, is it, if the other person isn't willing to play the talking game. I know that one!
Posted Tue May 29, 2012 05:13 PM
Backcheck: Exactly - frequent changes in weight can do a number on hormones as well. I used to be a little on the heavy side myself. I wouldn't say I was fat in hindsight, but I was overweight and I thought I was fat at the time. I still maintained a high sex drive, but I tended to prefer masturbation or positions where my partner's couldn't see me very well. I think my sex drive has increased a lot in the past few weeks since I've been working out more often.
It's all about HER self image. You can't convince her that she looks good if she's that insecure with how her body looks. Trust me on this because I've been there.
Posted Tue May 29, 2012 07:24 PM
Is she by chance on any kind of depression medication?
Several years ago, my fiancée was given a prescription for a depression medication, by some clown of a so-called doctor. What nobody ever mentioned is that the dose was triple what should have been prescribed. By having such a high dose of this medication, she pretty much nearly lost a lot of friends, they were telling her she almost instantly turned into a psychotic bitch. Her sex drive plummeted to non-existent overnight, along with the bad attitude that I had to try to tolerate, which nearly destroyed our relationship. After a couple of months, her doctor went on vacation just before her appointment, where the substitute doctor looked at the dosage, and flipped out. This doctor then explained that the reason for the complete 180 in her general attitude and everything else was due to the overdose, and that it could have also killed her. Once the dosage was adjusted, things started to get back to normal, but still seemed a little off. She finally stopped taking them after a while, and things have since gone back to normal.
The mood swings were made bipolar people look tame, her sex drive went from 4+ times a week to zero, her appetite nearly disappeared, among a few other things.
I would also say it could be due to hormones as well. I know the thyroid can have a lot to do with hormone balance, so that may be something to have checked as well. It can also affect weight gain and loss.
Posted Tue May 29, 2012 08:00 PM
This post has been edited by mr_curve: Tue May 29, 2012 08:01 PM
Posted Wed May 30, 2012 12:37 AM
Lemme tell ya - nothing makes a gal more self-conscious than KNOWING she's gained weight.
What you have to remember is that this stuff more than likely isn't about you at all - it's about her and how she's feeling about herself. She might need some professional help, which is also a touchy subject. I went through it with my ex, and he was supportive at first but then he wasn't. If you really want to be there for her, then realize that there will be ups and downs with help - or without.
Ultimately, it is her that should come to the decision that she needs help, and I really think she does. You know how men have mid-life crisis? We do too. Especially in our early to mid 30's. It's not a big deal, but sometimes talking to someone besides your spouse could help.
I feel your pain, love. I was with a bipolar guy that NEVER wanted to have sex, and I gained weight and felt like crap about myself. But you HAVE to remember - this isn't about you. It affects you, but more than likely - it has nothing to do with you. And even if it does - she needs some help.
How to approach?
Tell her you love her more than anything, and you love her body. Tell her it's not just about sex, but intimacy. Maybe that will get her talking about what is really going on...
Posted Wed May 30, 2012 10:41 AM
When our 3 year old was on the way my wife gained quite a bit of weight and then kept gaining. She had a gastric bypass two years ago and since then she has had major mood swings and no energy. The last time she went to her check up they said everything was normal but I think maybe they aren't checking everything or maybe missed something. I would give up almost anything to have her back to even half of how she used to be. I don't just mean it about the sex she used to be a lot nicer to me as well.
Posted Wed May 30, 2012 06:09 PM
Posted Thu May 31, 2012 06:40 AM
Posted Thu May 31, 2012 05:22 PM
Posted Fri Jun 01, 2012 02:13 AM
Posted Sat Jun 02, 2012 03:21 PM
Lack of intimacy, severe mood swings, previous bouts of depression, medication, masturbation with her toys, you working outside of the home and quite substantially in the home, and she is an emotional bully as well with jokes about you that you have told her bother you. Whatever the root problem is - hormones, weight gain, resentment, self image problems, no longer loves you, etc., this is not a healthy relationship.
I suggest a heart to heart conversation with her letting her know this isn't working for you and changes need to be made (not just about sex but the relationship in general). You may need to request a full medical check up for her and professional counselling for both of you. If she isn't willing are you prepared for a life time of misery?
Posted Sun Jun 03, 2012 09:19 AM
For "professional counseling" I'd watch that one too. I might be biased here on my despise for this profession as I have found that it prematurely has ruined more relationships than helped when things could have worked themselves out. In some cases the partners managed to get back together again, but in others they are gone for good. There just seems to be too much emphasis on quitting the relationship rather than finding the solutions in the ones I have become familiar with anyway. Hopefully there are better ones out there.
Posted Mon Jul 23, 2012 03:05 PM
When we were dating and even the first couple of years of marriage were much better.