Sex frequency and other things
Posted Mon Jul 09, 2012 12:27 AM
Hubby and I had a fantastic sex life for several years. Then he was injured and had a spinal fusion and the results did not go well. Ever since, sex and the relationship in general has gone down the shitter.
And ever since, he turned to watching porn and masturbation rather than be with me. Sometimes I will be in the mood and he turns me down but then I find him in the bathroom or bedroom doing the deed. Talk about a blow to the ego.
I am young, fit and in good spirits and to this day do not understand why he has chose to turn away from me and into porn/his hand. I used to think it had to do w/ his now chronic pain but he has attended PRC (pain rehab clinic) and while there I discussed it w/ his dr and they said it is not a common pain behavior and it is more a personality thing than related to pain.
I honestly think he's addicted to it but he disagrees. He says he has the right to do what he wants with his body (when I complain he does it TO much). Ok, yes but what about the expectation that a wife should get it sometimes?
So often I hear men stating they aren't getting enough, but sometimes it's the man who doesn't give it out..
On rare occasions we will have real sex but he always has to finish by masturbating. And by rare I mean maybe once every three months. This gets old. I want my old sex life back. I have entertained divorce so many times, due to financial and sexual needs of mine that are not met. Then I remember: for better or worse. But this really sucks and is very personal. Eventually I just walk around pissed off. He tells me to masturbate more of my own. Well, yes there is that and fine and yes, toys are fine to but only for so long and for me, that is not satisfying if that is pretty much ALL I get to do. I want a person!!
Anyone else have a similar situation? How do you handle it?
Posted Mon Jul 09, 2012 01:16 AM
Posted Mon Jul 09, 2012 01:21 AM
I can imagine just how frustrated you would be, especially since things were so great before. I think you have to come to the point where you can accept that it may never be the same as before though, your partner has been through trauma and he is not the same as before.
It sounds like he may have issues with who he is now compared to who he used to be before when it comes to sex. Maybe he is not as confident which could be affecting his sexual performance.
It will never solve anything to be mad at each other and cranky when you don't get what you want. You both need to put those feelings aside and try to communicate about how you feel, keeping the blame or your expectations out of it.
I think the best thing is to talk to someone together professionally, they can help support you both through this difficult period and work towards building a more harmonious relationship all round, not just sexually. It will be a work in progress as there is no fast solution to this issue.
I wish you all the best of luck and hope you both get through this together
Posted Mon Jul 09, 2012 02:08 AM
What does need to be addressed is the porn. I'm not knockin' porn, but there is a very real affect it has on a lot (most) men. It will destroy their sex drive, skew their expectations on what sex should/could be, what women should look and act like with regard to sex, etc. He needs to understand that his consumption of porn has a strong potential of changing his sexuality for the worse. It'd be more effective for him to hear that from a guy than a woman, though.
Posted Mon Jul 09, 2012 02:13 AM
Posted Tue Jul 10, 2012 01:18 PM
I'm not trying to be overly negative here, I just personally don't see this getting better.