Some advice please More sex needed!
Posted Fri Aug 31, 2012 11:24 AM
I have been with my gf for almost 8 years now and essentially the sex has all but stopped in the last year or so. I actually can't remember the last time we had sex but I can say it definitely hasn't been in 2012. We have never been at it like rabbits but this is a marked change over the last 24-18 months. Every other aspect of our relationship is good, I'm pretty sure she isn't mad at me and I don't particularly want to end the relationship. I guess the problem is communication but it is hard to talk to her about sex. She has made it very clear I the past that she doesn't like "talking about it". Therefore, if I ever try to bring it up then I feel like a dick for making her do something she isn't comfortable with.
So I guess my question is, what can I do to encourage her to be more open to sex, initiate it more often, enjoy the fact that we are still young (under 30) and have no kids and a house all to ourselves. I know there are several reasons why she might not like sex, but as I said she still seems to find me attractive (maybe not that attractive!) and doesn't seem mad at me so she isn't punishing me.
Any ideas, suggestions, or ways to broach the subject are welcome.
Posted Fri Aug 31, 2012 11:59 AM
It really depends on why did the sex stop. Is it just a natural thing brought about by being together for so long that sex isnt that exciting anymore.. or are there deeper issues at hand.
Whatever the case is, you MUST talk to her about it. She has to open up to you. If its just a rut situation, that can be resolved with a little effort from both of you. It's not easy to get the groove back on, but it's more than possible. But there are other deeper issues that lurk under the surface, that's not just bad for your sex life. Its bad for your relationship.
Communication is crucial!
This post has been edited by nimb69: Fri Aug 31, 2012 12:00 PM
Posted Fri Aug 31, 2012 12:29 PM
I hope you get some better responses than mine, and I really hope you can figure something out. Good luck
Posted Fri Aug 31, 2012 12:51 PM
My suggestion would to slowly and gently talk about it with her. You are just going to have to straight up ask for sex. She will probably allow it and try and get it about once a week. Try and engage in foreplay that she likes, even if you snuggle nude. After some time offer to preform oral sex on her. She probably will decline, so just drop it then, but bring it up once in a while. Maybe after a nice dinner. What you are doing here is slowly removing ideas she has about how dirty or wrong it is. At some point maybe months later buy a small vibrator, like a pocket rocket. Ask her if she will give you a "show" before sex. If she says no, ask if you can use it on her.
Posted Sat Sep 01, 2012 04:39 AM
To answer a few questions, there was a time a few years ago where I bought her lots of stuff in order to try and stimulate her a bit more, very expensive lingerie, erotic books, adult games and a vibrator. A few years ago I had to work away from home for a few months and she would come up to visit me at weekends. During those visits all she wanted was sex -I've never seen her so horny. When I came back home I noticed the batteries in the vibrator were dead so I know she had been using it. I haven't noticed her using since then so maybe she doesn't want to "get caught".
I would also say that rather than not liking sex it's more that she is a) body conscious (although she has no need to be - BMI of 23, uk size 10 and 32DD!) and b ) she feels she has no time for sex or is too tired as she will often fall asleep on the sofa at 8 in the evening!
This post has been edited by fast_and_wet: Sat Sep 01, 2012 04:40 AM
Posted Sat Sep 01, 2012 08:34 AM
Posted Sat Sep 01, 2012 06:01 PM
Posted Sat Sep 01, 2012 08:30 PM
I will tell you this: You're going to have to choose between being effective and being content with the natural state of things if left as she prefers them.
There's nothing wrong with you keeping it completely up to her discretion as to when to have sex. If it's once a year, so be it. If you're willing to accept that in order to have what seems to be a great relationship otherwise, then that's what you ought to do. If she doesn't want to discuss it, then the mantra everyone bleats "communication, communication, communication" isn't going to be particularly helpful. Your gal doesn't want to communicate, and doing so will be an unwelcomed advance.
That being said, if she's going to force you to accept a level of sex that you're not happy with while at the same time forbidding you from discussing your feelings about it with her, your choice is clear: Do what I suggest above and thank your lucky stars you have her, or....
You can realize that there are legions (3.5 billion, approximately) of other women out there...and many of them would either be happy to give you more sex, discuss sex with you, or even both.
If the woman you're with just has to be your current girlfriend, and you're sure that there is NO other woman out there in the world that will be a better fit for you, then just settle in for what you're getting. If you understand that there is no such thing as a special woman, and that what makes them special is you, then consider dropping this chick and go find one that isn't a one way street with sex.
There is no right or wrong choice, here. Your girlfriend chooses when you get sex, and chooses when (never) she will discuss it with you. The assumption that you have zero choices is a fallacy that you force unto yourself. You DO have choices and options. But the big one is...
What's more important:
A woman you love, and loves you back, but with whom sex is a commodity that is entirely monopolized by her in both practice and discussion
Another woman you would love, that loves you back, and with whom sex is a commodity that is both shared, mutually enjoyed, and is every bit a valid discussion topic as finances and summer vacation plans.
This post has been edited by ilyushin: Sat Sep 01, 2012 08:32 PM