Posted Mon Feb 04, 2008 11:31 AM
Posted Mon Feb 04, 2008 11:58 AM
In our open marriage, we guard heavily against emotional attachments. To us, sex is an innocuous activity... no more special or wrong than eating or doing anything to please our aching flesh. But, emotional involvement or attachment is a completely different story. Our hearts and loyalties belong to each other, solely.
In the beginning, it was hard to explore the open marriage until we'd firmly established and gotten confident about each other's loyalty. Now, we never think twice!
It's been 2 years of dating and cohabitation, and 8 years of marriage, and we are still going strong! In fact, our love is growing and has gotten stronger, the way we always heard it should. There's no question in my mind that we will live out the end of our days, together.
Posted Mon Feb 04, 2008 11:20 PM
There are certain things that each person values in a relationship. These are things that they feel differentiate the relationship they have with their SO from the relationships they have with everyone else in the world. When you are in a relationship there are core values that you need to see eye to eye on. There are couples who fight all of the time but when it comes to the fundamental things (be it views on children, temperament, views on finances, or whatever or etc. other things that matter to you) they are in agreement. Their perspectives on their core values are the same even if their perspectives on life are not.
If you and your SO don't value the same core things then it makes it difficult to work out anything else.
Like with your girl. If she doesn't see anything wrong with sharing emotional attachments outside of your relationship, whether she's okay with you doing it too or thinks only she should be able to, but you do see something wrong with that; well that's a fundamental thing that might not be reconcilable.
Something for me was that I value a steady job. If my SO has a job that he can support himself with and he's not at risk of being homeless every other month, then I place huge value on that. I was with a man in high school who was "the man I was going ot marry". We had other things that we didn't see eye to eye on in the end but this is the easiest example. He was just always pursuing a new project. He was very passionate which is great. Yet, it caused him to hop around from minimum wage job to minimum wage job always planning his next "success" scheme. It works for him. He's never really been homeless. He's always gotten by just fine. Yet, I'm just not comfortable with that. I need more stability in my future and it was something that he just couldn't grasp. Like, he understood it, but it just wasn't who he was.
Your girl may understand that you feel this is a violation of your trust for her to have this relationship outside of your own. Yet, it may just be something that is part of who she is. Whether she stays that way forever, whether you want to wait it out and see if she ever changes, that's up to you.
It's just important to understand that people have different perspectives. I get along lovely with people in my everyday life, yet, I know that I could never live with them. There are certain things about them that I am not comfortable having in my intimate life. So I keep them separate from that.
I'm rambling far too much at this point I realize.
I think the important thing is that if you feel like you've been violated, then you have been. Whether she, or anyone else, agrees or not. Your true match in this world would never make you feel like that. Not even on accident. It's important to remember that. There are a dozen people in this world who are so very close to being our match. Yet, I believe there is only one best one. There may be many very close second place matches, but only one first place in the end.
Posted Mon Feb 04, 2008 11:31 PM
Posted Mon Feb 04, 2008 11:39 PM
Posted Tue Feb 05, 2008 08:06 PM
Posted Sat Feb 06, 2010 12:38 AM
Posted Sun Feb 28, 2010 11:46 PM
Yup. Just went through that recently. I never slept with the girl , but I was definitely cheating. Doggy style became my favorite position because I could imagine it was my new love interest. Scary. Almost cost me my marraige of 18 years.
Posted Thu Sep 09, 2010 02:08 PM