Question 1: Is this relationship more important to me than I am?
Love does have a selfless element, in which you want to make your partner happy. “I’m willing to give a lot for that person because I love them, but I shouldn’t be destroying myself to give it. If I have to do that, something’s wrong,” Tessina says.
Question 2: What price am I paying for being with this person?
Someone with an anxiety disorder may only realize it when she sees its cost. For example, the price of her anxiety may be that she can’t fly somewhere fun for vacation, Wetzler says.
Similarly, it can be helpful to jot down a list of things you’re giving up to be in this relationship. “If you seem to always be putting yourself last, that’s not generally healthy for a person,” Bochner says.
Question 3: Am I the only one putting energy into this relationship?
If your tennis partner is too distracted or not interested in hitting the ball back to you, the game isn’t going to be much fun. The same is true for a couple when only one person is putting forth any effort, Tessina says.
It is sometimes possible to mend this sort of relationship. There are a lot of support groups such as Al-Anon, for those dealing with alcoholics, Gamblers Anonymous, (CODA) Co-Dependants Anonymous, (SAA) Sex Addicts Anonymous, pretty much any type of disorder has a support group associated with it. Counseling may also help out tremendously, giving you insight as to how to mend the situation, what needs repair, etc. Though in many cases, individual counseling may be needed for the dominant member. This is not always easy to do as most dominant members are reluctant to take the responsibility of their own behavior. Often the only way an alcoholic will come to this point is after they have lost someone, or hit rock bottom. The same would go for a narcissist, whom is often the dominant member in a co-dependant relationship. A co-dependant needs to get to the point of self worth in order to repair these relationships. They must get to a point where they have had enough and want to make the change. They need to be able to say to their partner, ”I love you, but I have to take care of me!” Anyone who is in this type of relationship, I suggest you talk to someone. It is unhealthy. Everyone is a human, and has a right to their own individuality.
This post has been edited by spurty: Sat Nov 03, 2012 12:08 PM