Until the baby sleeps her whole nights, we agreed to sleep in separate beds and on separate shifts, so we can both get each 5 hours of uninterupted sleep; i am on guard for the first half of the night, i manage to sleep 1-3 hours before shifting, and during her guard shift she usually manages to get 3-4 hours more so all in all, she gets relatively good nites. As i always did before i take care of most of tha cooking and laundry and meniall tasks at home, leaving her only the house cleaning and putting zero stress on her for that. She tries cooking once in a while but since she's bad at it i pretty much always arrange it so she always have meals ready or almost ready. Here in Québec we have a long parental leave plan so that i got 5 weeks off partly paid, and she gets a year. The 5 weeks are over now, and i started to work. At work they are happy to see me, because there has been lots of job and i came back in a rush. So in the morning i get up at 5:15, prepare myself and the oldest's lunch, i drive her to school, go to work, fetch our daughter from school, get back home and all week long i come back and my GF is on the edge and borderline angry, so i cook the supper and take the baby in my arms as soon as i can to lull her. Byt the time she goes to bed with the oldest and baby sleeps soundly, it is usually 10-11 PM, and i had no sex, no masturbation, no affection, no tenderness.
Yeah its that. I know i'm not getting sex any soon, and i can live with that, i'm a big boy. But if at least i got some form of recognition, of love, of tenderness from her... My oldest daughter is very demonstrative and is halways hugging and saying i love you; but with my GF, its tougher. I try to just hug her to tell her I love her, and she reacts positively like one time out of 20; rest of the time she either ignores me or tells me to bug off, making me feel i'm disturbing her. I tell her i miss her scent and her softness, and she instantly thinks i'm gonna rape her, so she changes subjects and chages rooms. I think i haven't heard her say "I love you" nor have i got a spontaneous hug since 2-3 weeks. And i'm getting tired; tired of the lack of sleep, tired of doing everything and getting no or few appreciation, tired of having to steal a few seconds of human warmth, tired of not being loved by a my woman. I feel i wanna give up. She's walways been the stubborn type in an argument; she's never wrong, she almost never apologises, she very rarely makes the first steps. I'm sick right now, and my voice is broken; we had an argument because i answered a simple question and she took my answer like a bitchy remark, saying something like " oh, i see poor guy didn'T get enough sleep? spent too much time watching porn?" I almost cried from that one, i replied her plainly, tears in eyes, face to face:
"All i'd need is a sincere hug, a heartfelt i love you, to feel some warmth without stealing it, damnit!" And she changed subject, and i returned to cooking. The rest of the evening went on and i never got my hug, nor a "i love you". She's asleep, baby is still stirring in her bed, probably gonna need to lull her more. I'm exhausted, sick, and even though the love of my daughters keeps me going, i feel something's missing, and i can't have it even if i ask it with despair. Her sleep hours are much more important i guess. And i guess i should get some too, but oh, i'm gonna change a diaper then cook some stuff for tomorrow i guess. I'm starting to believe the depression's gonna be for me this time. Hope not, but it doesn't seem she is gonna help prevent it like i do for her. Sometimes i wish she'd just love me as much as i do, or at least show it a bit more.
Thanks for listening, people of SF.
This post has been edited by McAllister: Sat Dec 01, 2012 09:52 PM