Not sure what to think
Posted Wed Apr 17, 2013 10:18 AM
Sexually things are not great. Despite living 15 minutes apart we have sex about once every 2 months and often only when we take a trip together. When we first met there was more sex but it kind of felt mechanical on her part like she figured I expected it so she'd do her part. She wasn't into foreplay and did not have much patience. Being new to the relationship and still on some meds that made it take longer to cum I let her know that out of courtesy and due to a past incident with another woman who took it very personally that I did not cum right away despite what she felt were fantastic skills on her part. Well sharing that did not help and later she said all that did was draw attention to it (damned if you do, damned if you don't...). She even surprised me once early on and in a largely empty movie theater took my hand and put it up her bra. For me that was exciting but that did not last and her appetite for sex (low as it was) quickly soured.
She is 54 and had a hysterectomy years ago. I know she takes estrogen supplements. She told me once that "people our age do not want to have sex that often." She also said that she had had a "normal sex life" in the past and thus did not have a strong need for sex anymore. She was concerned that I would want a lot more sex than her since my past was not so fortunate and she thought I'd be wanting to "make up for lost time." I assured her that was not the case and that I would just love to have some semi-regular sex. The past was the past and I could not make up for what I missed nor did I want to try. I love sex but I'm not looking to have sex 7 days a week to make up for all those years of no sex before I met her.
Another clue in all this is that she is not affectionate and admits as much. She will hold my hand once in a while or touch me but not very often and not for long. I touch her far more often (though I try not to overdo it as I know too much would bug her). Most dates I hug/kiss her when I arrive and maybe a hug and 2-3 kisses when I leave and otherwise she might not even touch me. In 18 months she has never once asked me to spend the night and I know my asking her to spend it here would not work. Yet on vacations we sleep together and she seems to like it.
Since my own background is not strong in sex I hate to push too hard there yet fear if I don't push at all I will end up in a sexless marriage. I'll be married to a gorgeous woman I have sex with once a month at best. Maybe when I'm 70 that will be fine but I'm 53, look 43, am in great shape, and am not over the hill!
I know the simple answer would be to find someone else who is hopefully more interested in sex but it's never that easy. I want a life partner not a sex partner. I want a life partner who is a sex partner! So we have to have things in common, have fun, enjoy each other's company, etc. Sex alone is not going to be what holds us together. She is a great fit in many other areas but I fear her lack of emotions and inability to express them may make for a lonely marriage. I'm tired of no sex though. I would think she would at least make a little effort if only for my sake as I do a ton for her.
Any advice or lost cause?
Posted Wed Apr 17, 2013 10:52 AM
Posted Thu Apr 18, 2013 01:12 AM
Posted Sun Apr 21, 2013 12:05 PM
now that's the answer don't want anyone controlling me or atleast sit down and try to talk sned your feelings about this to her. If not and you marry her you may regret it in the end!
Posted Sun Apr 21, 2013 01:15 PM
Ironically I got an email from her just now saying she needs to talk and that she is just not as into the relationship as I am and that it is not fair to me. She said I have done nothing wrong. I've sensed this and I'm doubtful she would treat any guy differently. I just don't think she is able to open up to anyone at this time. I think she wants a boy friend to take her places, spend money on her, be a companion, but not have a serious relationship and not get physical beyond what she might feel she has to to keep the relationship afloat at least as long as she wants it to.We'll talk later but I sense the end.
So back to the drawing board which I hate...
Posted Sun Apr 21, 2013 01:43 PM
Posted Sun Apr 21, 2013 03:30 PM
Thanks for your kind words. To be honest I was getting tired of being treated like a Leaper. For 18 months she has fussed over my clothing, my physique, my hair cuts, etc. Wanted me to look great and complimented me on my looks yet physically was cold and distant. I felt used like I was arm candy. Any kind of physical contact was rare beyond a token good night kiss. I'm still in my prime and a good looking guy who knows how to treat a lady right.
The hard part is moving on. My lifestyle is just not conducive to meeting women.
Posted Sun Apr 21, 2013 05:13 PM
It is that simple. No one ever said it was easy. Easy and simple aren't the same thing.
I want a life partner not a sex partner. I want a life partner who is a sex partner! She's the former, not the latter, and not both. You and you alone need to come to grips with that...and decide if you want to stay with her. If you decide to stay with her, that's fine. No complaining, because that non-sexuality is her.
So we have to have things in common, have fun, enjoy each other's company, etc. I have that same benefit with my guy friends.
Sex alone is not going to be what holds us together. She is a great fit in many other areas but I fear her lack of emotions and inability to express them may make for a lonely marriage. Then don't marry her. And stop wasting time on her. OR.....accept her as she is, including those traits which you don't find optimal. Those are literally your only options, short of mind-control and drugs.
I'm tired of no sex though. I would think she would at least make a little effort if only for my sake as I do a ton for her. Believe it or not, she already might be. You already conceded that she had sex with you because she felt obligated to...that is her trying for your sake. If you're tired of no sex or very little sex, you would be well advised about taking this relationship any further....or continuing for that matter. Listen to yourself, man.
Any advice or lost cause?
Depends. If her value to you as a life partner is higher than that of having a sex partner, keep her and accept it for what it is.
If her value to you as a life partner is higher than that of having another chick who will be a life and sex partner, keep her and accept it for what it is.
If your drive for having more sex or having a life and sex partner is more important (or will be at some point in the future), you need to let this woman go so she can find a man who will be happy with her the way she is....and you can find a woman that will give you what you want.
Simply put, trying to change people to fit what we want typically doesn't end well...Good luck, bro.
Posted Thu Apr 25, 2013 12:28 AM