I need more, but am I asking too much?
Posted Sat Oct 18, 2008 12:10 AM
He has multiple medications to take to help with the pain.
He still works full days and a full week.
He drinks a lot to self medicate when he gets home.
He no longer touches me or wants to have sex with me. He blames his pain level, if I touch him accidently at night he jolts at the touch and his pain is increased. The rejection hurts.
I have been without sex for months, without touch and comfort from him for just as long.
Its something I am starting to crave, to be held, to be enjoyed and to feel appreciated as a sexual partner. Thats what brought me here. Being here is helping to make me feel sexy and desirable again but no amount of self satisfaction can replace the comfort and closeness of sex with a partner.
If he can not/will not provide that should he release me to find that else where? Am I asking too much? I have not asked him to yet.
There have been several times when I have been about to pack up the kids and leave the relationship, he is not physically abusive but can be mentally abusive. His alcohol intake is most likely to blame for that, he is not willing/able to abstain. There are times though when I get the man I fell in love with back again, they are becoming fewer and further between. I have been seeing a counsellor in regards to how to deal with the relationship but he does not want to attend. The counsellor advised me to start an account so if I need to leave I have the independent financial means of doing so.
What I am asking is... For me to have my family and a sex life is that asking too much?
Posted Sat Oct 18, 2008 12:58 AM
Posted Sat Oct 18, 2008 01:46 AM
Posted Sat Oct 18, 2008 02:13 AM
Abigail, He has refused councelling and won't let me speak to his GP, I have asked him to work less so he can have time to recover, but he is adamant we can't afford that. The solution I see to that is to cut costs by less alcohol which is a significant expense.
I wrote to his doctor about what I perceive to be his depression and alcohol problem but as the doctor cannot discuss his issues with me and its obviously not concerning my husband.
Just feeling like I am trapped in a downward spiral.
Posted Sat Oct 18, 2008 02:16 AM
When he's in discussion mood, what does he say about it?
Posted Sat Oct 18, 2008 02:46 AM
Posted Sat Oct 18, 2008 03:02 AM
Posted Sat Oct 18, 2008 04:23 AM
Did your husband drink prior to his injury? When did the mental abuse start?
Posted Sat Oct 18, 2008 04:35 AM
Of his 14 daily medications none recommend alcohol consumption.
Mind games and abuse have been increasing over last 20 months after he was assaulted by a "friend" he was drinking with. The guy went to prison.
He rarely talks to me, sometimes interacts with the kids, has plenty of time for his drinking buddies though.
As for depression I have spoken with the counselor about that and she felt it would be hard to diagnose depression with the quantity of alcohol abuse as that creates a depressive state on its own.
He gets upset and angry when I try to discuss things and walks away.
The most common thread of advice I get given is that he won't wake up till I walk away.
Posted Sat Oct 18, 2008 05:03 AM
There is criteria for Depression and it's not something that can be accurately done over the internet. With that said...
If I take that face value, the counselor has made a critical error. The (spiraling towards a) depressive state isn't a result of the alcohol; the reason for the increased in drinking is. From one to two (before injury) then 6 to 18 (after injury), not spending (as much) time with family, something's going on. The drinking serves a purpose...It is his Wonderland.
We all have our needs. So which one do we take priority?...
Posted Sat Oct 18, 2008 05:15 AM
Posted Sat Oct 18, 2008 05:59 AM
If when you ask him if he is happy and he says no, then that is your key to enter into that conversation.
At the end of the day, you all need to be happy with your relationship. I think your first priority is your children's safety, health and happiness and then your own and then your husbands. If a separation is going to make you and your children happy, then start saving so you will be financially secure. You live in NZ and I am pretty sure the single mother's pension is pretty similar to Aust's so, financially your country will not let you starve.
Good luck hon, I really hope you can start working on a solution *hugs*
Posted Sat Oct 18, 2008 07:40 AM
my parents werent happy when i was younger and still arent. they fight all the time but they love each other so much they stay together, i promise thats not an environment you want your kids to grow up in.