Posted Sun Nov 02, 2008 10:42 AM
If a long term relationship ends, what are the chances of it working a second time?
Say, a relationship of 5 years that ended for like a year and half... over control and jealousy issues on the guys part, and wanting to be independent and experience life on the girls part.
My ex is a great guy, but i gave him a million chances to change. I finally had to just pull away in order to be happy. Well he's never given up on me and even though he's gotten kind of upset at seeing me going out with other guys and stuff, he's over that now and we can actually hang out together without arguing or feeling awkward.
During this year of being apart, i got my heart broken once quite badly. I guess in the scheme of things it was a rebound relationship. I never actually slept with the guy, but we did other intimate things and we were very very close. I didn't feel it was fair to him OR my ex to let things go too far so soon. I was also very confused about everything. Now, i kind of have a friend that i like to fool around with, who i have developed some feelings for. But it could never be more than it is now.
Now, it's judgment day. The ex is coming over today for football and food. We are going to "talk". I'm afraid of what he's going to say, and i know it's going to be another go at trying to get me to come back.
He is what some woman would call "Marriage material". If he can get past the jealously and control, i would be with him again in a heartbeat. But... has too much happened? Will me having been with other guys just create problems within our relationship? He says he hasn't been with anybody since me. We have slept together a few times through the last year...
All in all, this is messed up... big time. But now that i've 'sowed my oats' so to speak, i think he is just what i want and need. I'm not madly in love with him, but i don't think i believe in that anymore. I care about him deeply, he was my first everything. I was never ready for the things he wanted, marriage and kids. He is older than me by 4 1/2 years. I'm more open to those things now, but after having been with a few other men, i realize that i'm not going to trust anybody as much as i trust him. I know he would never hurt me, never screw me over, and certainly he loves me.
Posted Sun Nov 02, 2008 10:46 AM
I wouldn't go back to someone we broke up for more than 24 hours, especially if there were other people in between. It won't be the same relationship and there is always this dark stain of the past on the rosy surface.
Posted Sun Nov 02, 2008 11:05 AM
Posted Sun Nov 02, 2008 12:05 PM
Posted Sun Nov 02, 2008 12:13 PM
Good luck hun
Posted Sun Nov 02, 2008 03:43 PM
Posted Mon Nov 03, 2008 11:55 PM
Posted Tue Nov 04, 2008 04:33 AM
If that is the case, I would say you should just go your seperate ways, rather than causing each other pain or upset.
Posted Tue Nov 04, 2008 06:03 AM
Only by each of you searching your hearts and by really thinking it through, talking about it and deciding as to whether or not each of you are willing to compromise and make some sacrifices will you know as to whether or not it will work.
Don't rush into things blindly as that is the worst mistake that either of you can do as that is the fastest way for both of you to develop buyer's remorse and to start wishing that you hadn't.
I know because I have been there and I have done that and that is why I am divorced. I made the mistake of rushing into things with the wrong woman and ended up paying for it dearly.
Posted Fri Nov 28, 2008 09:42 PM
If you are going to give it a chance, don't jump into it expecting to marry him etc.
Posted Fri Nov 28, 2008 10:03 PM
Posted Sat Nov 29, 2008 12:32 PM
Posted Sat Nov 29, 2008 06:53 PM
I think i need a little more of a background story for you guys to kind of understand.
When i met him i was 16 and had just been hurt pretty bad. I had lost my virginity to an older college guy, who immediately fell off the face of the earth afterwards. I met him a few weeks later. He was older, had a nice vehicle, and was so very nice. I found comfort in him, and it moved pretty fast. I tried to slow it down a few times, and even broke up with him briefly after 6 months. Eventually things calmed down. He proposed to me when i was almost 18, it was sort of a "promise ring" plus if you want to marry me someday type of thing.
We moved into an apt right after that, we had our ups and downs but i attributed it to me still being in HS, working full time, and trying to take care of my first home. I went to college straight out of highschool, commuting, and things didn't get any better. There was the stress of first living with somebody, money, etc. But all in all we were still very much in love. We eventually moved into a small house, and had our own little miniature 'family' (at this point 2 dogs and a cat). Eventually i really began to feel the toll of being in a serious relationship. We had immersed ourselves so heavily in eachother that we had lost a lot of our friends. Only our mutual friends remained. I hated it. I began to yearn to go out and have fun, i was no longer content just staying at home with him. I "grew up fast", not only through him, but i practically raised my brother and cousin. Even when i was younger, like 14-ish, i couldn't ever go to a friends house because i had to be home for my brother. I never had any of that, so i guess in some ways i was used to it and didn't mind. But at some point it started to weigh on me and i wanted to know what i was missing out on. I started to feel bitter because i had given up on going to OSU to stay home with him, the campus is a good 4 hours from where he lived. I was willing to do it and didn't regret it, just had mixed emotions about it. At this point the sex had taken a horrible turn, he was very selfish and i wasn't being pleasured. For a point in time we didn't have sex but a couple of times a month, and it left me feeling used and undesirable. Which made me not want to have sex at all. Things were just horrible for a span of time.
When our lease was up on our house we had to make a decision. Either sign another years lease, or buy a house. We had been talking about buying for a long time. I told him i wasn't sure what i wanted to do. With things the way they were i didn't feel comfortable buying a house with him. We decided to move in with my mom for a few months, save up some money and relax, and see what happens.
He did a complete 180. Things were back to the way they used to be. The control went down to almost nothing. I wasn't smart enough then to see it for what it was. He couldn't really control me in front of my mom and stepdad. If i mentioned going somewhere with my mom in the room, he wouldn't drill me about who i'd be with or where we would go, what time i'd be home, etc. He'd just tell me to be safe and it's fine with him.
So what do you know, we find out that a house right down the road from the house we had been renting was up for sale. It was PERFECT for us. We had enough money saved up, it was in our price range, and somewhat on a whim we bought it. We looked at a few others before we bought it, but it was just too good to pass up. But guess what? The control and jealousy started up almost as soon as we moved in. He didn't want me to work at this point, he wanted me to stay home and take care of the house. It needed some work done, so i quit my job and spent my time fixing up the house. Eventually money became an issue and i felt cooped up, and he had to admit it wasn't working, and i got another job. This seemed to help a little with the control. I guess when i was sitting home and he was at work he was worried about what i was doing. When i was at work he didn't have to worry about it. Needless to say i threatened to leave A LOT. At one point i did leave and it lasted for two hours before he was calling my moms house begging me to come back.
Eventually i completely shut down to him. It was never really "said". But at some point we hadn't had sex for months, we didn't talk at all or we argued when we did, and i came and went as i pleased with no flack from him. It was never spoken outloud, but we were broken up. We didn't kiss, we didn't touch, nothing. It was stressful on us both. When i did tell him, he was still in denial a little bit, but admitted that it was already done and there wasn't anything he could do about it.
I went on my way doing my thing, he went on his. We met somebody i fell for hard and fast. It was a weird situation but blew me away. I could see myself marrying him and having children, when the thought of that with my ex sent me into fits of panic. But after almost a year, he totally fucked me over and made me question everything. H e was JUST like my ex in every single way. He just hid it well. He did some horrible things to me, and i couldn't help but thing "Wow, maybe he wasn't so bad after all" (about my ex).
Recently i started to see somebody that has a crazy social life. He's a singer/musician. Popular in this are, and the surrounding states. It's not a relationship, it's more of a sexual thing. He appeals to me because he's "safe" and i don't have to worry about him falling in love with me. I haven't seen him in like a month, i've kind of broken it off at this point because i developed some feelings i didn't want to have, that whole thing just spells heartbreak.
Sooo... here i am. After some of the experiences i've had, i realize that if i can work through the problems with him, it would be worth it. I know he would be a great father. He would never physically hurt me. Yes, he has his problems. But he would do anything for me. He has changed a lot through the last year. I'm not crazy in love with him to where i can't think and get butterflies when i think about seeing him. But i miss him and feel horrible that i left him. In light of recent events, i don't ever see myself trusting anybody the way that i trust him. I trust him to never cheat on me, lie to me, or lay a finger on me. I KNOW for certain he would be an amazing father and that he lives every day of his life for the day that he'll be able to hold his child in his arms. He is a very hard worker and has the right ideas about life.
I still don't know, but maybe with this information somebody will have some more words of wisdom for me.
Sorry for the novel!
Posted Sun Nov 30, 2008 03:46 AM
Small bit of advise. We all go through this provided we get enough dirt on our shoes. I'm not saying that you will inherently lose that kind of magic that only exists in a close male-female relationship, but, it's not about the magic. It's about can you see yourself waking up next to this person the rest of your life? Can you see yourself growing old with him. (If it's important to you) Can you see yourself carrying a child that's half him inside yourself for 9 months, and then being prepared to face raising this person with each other for 18 years (or longer).
Can you see yourself fighting, but knowing that you can always find each other's feet under the covers? It isn't the pretty bullshit we all think about that's important. It isn't the good times. It's the bad times. Do you know, not think, but know that with this man, you'd be willing to do anything, go anywhere in sickness and in health, blablabla, forever?
If you can, you'll know you can be together, but until you can say that you can, beyond a shadow of a doubt, stay friends, (or more) but don't commit yourself. Once you know for sure, never let him (or whoever it is) go.
Posted Sun Nov 30, 2008 10:42 AM
Maybe it's wrong of me. But one of my biggest reasons for even contemplating this is because i do not want to have to go through all this again. The few times that i've 'dated' and gotten to know the person, fallen for them, gotten to trust them, etc etc have been enough. I don't want to go through all that again.
We still own the house together, we see eachother often. We both know that something has changed in the air, but i know he's afraid to say anything, and i'm just putting it off because i still have reservations about it.
It's going to piss a lot of people off, i'm going to get lots of flack from people. But it's my decision and i no longer believe in fairytale love. I had it once, but it wasn't returned, at least not in the same way. I believe in respect and understanding for each other, caring about one another, and having a harmony with each other throughout life. Wanting to share your life with that one person, not because you're falling over yourself in love, but because you trust and understand them, and care about them deeply.
Hell, worst case scenario is that i get fUcked over again. Wouldn't be the first time, and probably not the last.
Posted Sun Nov 30, 2008 10:47 AM
I DO love him. That hasn't come across clear in my posts. I care about him so much and it's so hard to imagine my life with out him. But i can't say that i'm madly in love with him.
Posted Sun Nov 30, 2008 09:04 PM
Love and relationships take work. There are no fairy tale relationships! The only way that somewhat happens is if you are willing to overlook their faults because of all their positive attributes. I'm not saying to turn a blind eye, but not making a mountain out of a molehill. One piece of advise that I got when I got married was "have your eyes open to his faults when your dating, but be willing to overlook them after you get married". I my could tell me everything I ever did wrong. No wonder she was never happy, when all she saw was the negative.
I hope I didn't regress too much, but now is the time to realize when you want and need in a relationship, not after you're committed to it.
Plus, I doubt you'll have any problems finding a great guy. A gal as cool as you, there should be a line.
Posted Tue Dec 02, 2008 07:20 PM
You want the old love. It'll keep you warm, it'll feed you, and it'll be something to build your life around.
Posted Wed Dec 03, 2008 07:10 AM
en if you start a relation bout sides must do "water in zijn wijn doen"(duth saying) : moderate one's demands
and you must feel you can stay you at al times