Sex after Divorce? Boldly going where I never thought I'd have to go again...
Posted Sun Jun 15, 2014 02:50 PM
I'm probably coming off like an inarticulate jerk, but even I don't know quite how to phrase what I'm trying to say.
Posted Sun Jun 15, 2014 03:22 PM
BUT, plz stop thinking bad and telling bad about your self. Have patience, it will be oky. ALL THE BEST.
And ya, almost forgot, I have not experienced marriage, so i cnt advice on what i hav not been through.
Posted Sun Jun 15, 2014 04:17 PM
A mere six weeks later we'd both decided that we're right for each other and we've never looked back since. However that was with me checking our combined astrology in the process.
Be yourself, take your time and mingle wherever you feel comfortable. Feel free to PM me if you'd like any astrological insight.
This post has been edited by White.Rabbit: Sun Jun 15, 2014 04:19 PM
Posted Sun Jun 15, 2014 04:38 PM
Posted Sun Jun 15, 2014 05:04 PM
I'm fully aware that the route I've taken was somewhat of a fast track once I'd decided to quit my marriage and that's not going to work for most. I guess I've been extremely lucky to land on my feet that way. One step at a time and whatever you're comfortable with.
This post has been edited by White.Rabbit: Sun Jun 15, 2014 05:06 PM
Posted Sun Jun 15, 2014 06:18 PM
Posted Sun Jun 15, 2014 06:29 PM
As to soulmates, I've all the love I need from my children. I thought I'd found my soulmate; then she cheated on me with the one man I could never forgive her for fucking. I don't believe in such romantic concepts anymore. They feel the way fairy tales did as a kid, after you stopped believing in Santa Claus: they just seem like make-believe things.
Posted Sun Jun 15, 2014 10:55 PM
The relationship I have now is real soul mate / mind meld stuff, which is probably far too deep for some people at the best of times, but that's what can happen when a Cancerean and a Taurean unite.
Regardless of where you'd like to get to patience is a virtue.
This post has been edited by White.Rabbit: Sun Jun 15, 2014 11:05 PM
Posted Mon Jun 16, 2014 12:18 AM
I wound up in the hospital last year, and she decided while I was there that she would file a divorce and attempt to take the kids, while simultaneously blocking my access to our joint bank account. She's just a very nasty person, and it was only in the aftermath that I finally took stock of just how controlling and mean she'd been. I discovered money hiding, tons of lies, the whole nine yards. I defeated her gamble for custody--this was easy as she'd committed perjury I could prove--and set about putting my life together.
I met someone new. This happened in a roundabout way--I was chatting online, just meeting some new people so I wouldn't feel so lonely and could feel at least a little desirable. This was on a dating site where I posted a placeholder profile without a picture and filled with really silly jokes, a parody of a dating profile of an extremely egotistical misogynist with one testicle. I was relatively down in the dumps at this point and didn't consider myself good relationship material, but wanted just to feel like I was my own person again. I made no bones about the situation, didn't hide that I was in the beginnings of what seemed like a nasty divorce, etc. but for some reason got quite a bit of interest from women, probably because I stood out from the dick-pic brigade. I was invited by one woman for dinner and drinks and thought, What the heck can it hurt?
So we met, and it was amazing. I was afraid I'd be silent or off-kilter, but I was relaxed in the moment. We kissed in the parking lot, and within a couple of days were having sex regularly. That lasted for a few weeks, until my highly conflicted, borderline crazy ex-wife learned of it and started stalking the other woman, only backing off under threat of a restraining order. And then she came back to me, crying and saying she'd made a mistake.
I took her back, which was extremely foolish of me in retrospect. My ex-wife was all of a sudden very loving and highly sexual, dismissed our divorce, and told the kids we'd be together forever. That lasted all of five weeks; later, at our first marriage counseling session, she told me she wanted a divorce again. She wouldn't give any details, and still hasn't.
When I was crushed that time, it was worse than before in one way (I thought we had our first real chance at an honest, loving relationship and were losing that) but better in another, having suffered through it before. I mean I was devastated, but felt like I could live on and things would be okay. Within about a month I was back online, not searching for anything serious but just wanting to feel like a human being again. Again I created a profile without even a picture (I didn't have any of myself, although I'd taken tons of the wife and kids) but for some reason had no problem at least chatting with women online. This time, though, I was a bit wary when they seemed to get too friendly, too fast. There are a lot of desperate people out there heading towards forty, or heading away. I got kind of fed up with the games; I could tell that a lot of the women who found me engaging were getting a lot of interest from other guys too, and I wasn't inclined to push things further with them. I turned down a couple of invitations to meet, because I just didn't feel that the women were my type, even for a fling.
I started broadening my search, and when I'd widened my geographical distance to 100 miles I found an intriguing profile. The happy picture of her struck a deep chord for several reasons, and the open, silly, self-deprecating description just gave me a special feeling. I contacted her, we chatted a bit, and met. That was about ten months ago. We initially were pretty casual and slipped into sex at about a "normal" pace, and things have progressed to where we are now moving in together and are in love.
To get back to your original question about timing, I guess with both of these women I started well before the end of my divorce, which was finalized only last week. Both times also happened relatively quickly after the end of the relationship. I wasn't seeking anything in particular, and not really after sex in either case, just companionship. I think it might have been more difficult for me if I'd just been seeking casual sex, since a lot of women are not seeking that specifically, so total honesty might hurt you.
Here is some crapass, unfounded advice from a complete relationship numbskull, yours truly:
* You are hurting; that's obvious and seemingly warranted. Even though it's difficult, keep an open mind. It will get easier with each passing week, fuck, whatever. Not every woman's a nasty bitch. You're not broken, you haven't discovered some universal truth about the nonexistence of love, etc. etc. etc. You've simply been roughly treated. It happens.
* Don't try to force things; just take it easy. By being more relaxed, you will be more attractive.
* Under no circumstances discuss your romantic past in any great detail, or at least mentioning facts which might be misconstrued as a sympathy ploy. (I did, I believe now in an attempt to keep distance, which only seemed to make some women pursue me more--but this is not likely to happen. Women don't go in for sympathy in a big way while assessing guys as mates or fuck-buddies.) Be happy-go-lucky, or at least feign it. You've gotta be pretty hot to carry off the Moody Baggage Handler persona.
* Don't be too specific about what you're looking for. If you'd be open to dating someone where sex was involved but it'd be more than a friends-with-benefits situation, don't put too specific a label on it. You're like the majority of the dating public, just looking for some affection and intending to take it from there. The risk of unburdening yourself as to exactly what you're looking for is that you will seem to be opening up a discussion on The Baggage.
* If you go to an online dating site, try to break the mold. There's just too much competition not to.
* Throw yourself into everything else. You will be more engaging when you're engaged with life.
* Think of dating as a marketing exercise, and multiply your opportunities. Go to bars if you must, but also go to meetups, join clubs and the like. You'll be happier and you'll meet more people, and maybe that golden vagina will bless you with its presence. They're around every corner, just generally under clothing where you can't immediately see them. You have to talk to their handlers first, you see.
* Don't play head games. If a woman texts you after a delay, don't assume it's as a result of some complex mathematical male-mind-fucking formula. Maybe she was just busy, but at least you know that if she's contacting you without open rejection she is probably interested. If you like someone, make it obvious without pushiness; don't impede that vital communication out of pride or some bullshit dating protocol.
Posted Mon Jun 16, 2014 03:32 AM
Maybe look thru something like meet up, find a category, and see if there is a local group. That is a non-stress way to meet other people and see if there is any chemistry. Then start slowly, like someone already said, just go out for coffee with the girl...and see how it goes. You will have something to talk about....the common hobby you both share.
And be aware of your surroundings. You are probably getting hit on a lot, but just don't realize it. If some woman starts talking to you, pay more attention. Any "hints" in her conversation? Joke around a little.
This post has been edited by spud14: Mon Jun 16, 2014 03:35 AM