AT NEW YORK's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later
discovered to be a public school teacher - was arrested
trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning
press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed that
he believes the man to be a member of the notorious al-gebra
movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go
off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use
secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves
as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to
argue, there are three sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math
instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.
I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine that
it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs, who are
willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky
statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of
influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate
their root, make our point, and draw the line."
The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction
have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a
scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a
Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of
The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would
say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain
of: though they continue to multiply, their days are
numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."
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