Relationship with Sexually Abused
Posted Fri Mar 27, 2015 10:18 PM
I just married the love of my life. Until now our sexual relationship has been great. For an assortment of reasons, we kept ourselves happy in bed prior to marriage without sex - however it was great. On our wedding night we had sex for the first time, and twice since. I went into this knowing sex might bring up hard feelings for her, and did not begrudge her in the least when it became apparent we had to talk about it because it was creating more stress than pleasure. Unfortunately I feel as though all of the other stuff we enjoyed in bed has now become an issue. Today sexy time consisted of her watching me jerk myself off, which she loves, however this leaves me wanting. I feel like it's her way of taking care of me without ever having to touch me. Much of our sex life is me pleasuring her, which I love, however it seems as though she wants my hands and mouth less and less.
I went into this marriage prepared for it to be sexless due to previous traumas, however am struggling with the fact that everything else we have typically enjoyed together seems much less important / desirable to her.
I know that this woman loves me to the moon and back, and that maybe this is small beans, but I write when things are on my mind. Usually I write to her, tonight I cant.
Thoughts? Am I being selfish? How can I help her and help our sex life at the same time?
Posted Fri Mar 27, 2015 10:19 PM
This post has been edited by efury1983: Fri Mar 27, 2015 10:23 PM
Posted Fri Mar 27, 2015 10:44 PM
I merged the two Topics for You. No worries, it happens - easy fix.
I don't have any good advice for your issue but I'm sure someone will Post soon.
Posted Fri Mar 27, 2015 10:56 PM
The first step in fixing a problem is identifying it .
Posted Fri Mar 27, 2015 11:35 PM
I bit of counselling is unlikely to help, but prolonged psychotherapy just might.
agreed. She has undergone years of therapy already. It is actually her life's work to help other victims now. Unfortunately it seems there is more work to do left at home than either of us realized.
Posted Fri Mar 27, 2015 11:52 PM
The best things in life are never easy .........
Posted Sat Mar 28, 2015 07:42 AM
The first step in fixing a problem is identifying it .
Totally right, any of her past experiences with abusive lovers should not be affecting your marriage, its really not something you should need to work around or live with and they are issues that need to be addressed not only for your marriage but her personal health and happiness.
Posted Sat Mar 28, 2015 07:51 AM
It may be she's "shut down" about sex and now your' married - in one way - your' up the creek.
It may be she's NOT READY for sex - either physically/emotionally.
Maybe try NOT DOING ANYTHING SEXUAL IN BED - FOR A FEW WEEKS - just stroking and caressing each other - make it clear - NO SEX - an maybe just maybe after a few nights of no pressure - she'll start to react .... but no sex - slowly slowly catchee monkey....
Posted Sat Mar 28, 2015 12:11 PM
I've been in such a relationship once and never again! Luckily we never married. You are most likely in for a shit life until you separate. Sure try the counseling but I have my reservations on its effectiveness. Unless she wants to work through it and is strong enough to do so it's not going to happen. I think it'll always be an issue. Be prepared to feel like shit and alone for the rest of your marriage.
It's sad when people get into these situations where something is clearly missing yet they tell themselves it'll be OK and get married. Marriage can't fix the problem and you can't fix her. You don' t need to take care of her. I don't know why anyone would tell themselves they can deal with a sexless marriage.
Don't have children with her any time soon not that it's likely to happen. Be more selfish in this case as being selfless doesn't appear to be making anyone happy.
Posted Sun Mar 29, 2015 06:27 AM
Good luck, and please, make the decision that has your future in mind, not hers.
This post has been edited by Rob2000: Sun Mar 29, 2015 06:28 AM
Posted Sun Mar 29, 2015 07:17 AM
Posted Sun Mar 29, 2015 10:18 AM
You don't owe any respect at all to her past lovers, especially ones that sexually abused her, and you didn't marry her just to have her withdraw sexually and to just be reduced to an emotional crutch over what they did. You are now her husband and being married is a pledge of devotion, financially, spiritually and physically.
You want to pursue counseling, because its a statement through action, that you love her and you will support her through her troubles. But also that she must actively work through her troubles to forget what happened and move on, you are her husband and you do not owe whoever did what to her anything. And that you will not stand by and simply settle for w/e because of it.
But its also for her happiness, and if she can't get passed it or is for some reason unwilling to get passed it. Then you need to seriously think about separation.
I know that might sound uncaring, but if she cannot invest in this as much as you would invest in trying to help her, then that is all you would need to know about the future of your marriage.
This post has been edited by lickit2stickit: Sun Mar 29, 2015 10:18 AM
Posted Wed Apr 01, 2015 11:33 AM
I can't more strongly suggest your spouse AND YOU WITH HER seek professional help. Learning to talk freely about this problem is so important. Many psychiatrists do both marriage counseling and one on one. Sexual abuse is a bitch to deal with (for both the spouses) but it can be dealt with very successfully.