Are humans meant to be monogamous?
Posted Thu Jan 08, 2009 03:38 PM
I'm 23 and have been dating the same girl for the past 4 years. We've known each other since elementary school and first kissed when we were 13, but both of us dated several other people during our years in high school. I've never cheated on her (or anyone else for that matter) because I think trust is one of the most important qualities a person and a relationship can have - not to mention it's hurtful to the other person and you can't expect others to be trustworthy if you aren't loyal yourself.
Anyway... she's got a great body and is very attractive, smart, funny, outgoing etc. We have the same sense of humor and similar interests. She likes having sex just as often as I do and there's nothing sexually desired by either of us that the other isn't willing to fulfill. Basically I love everything about her, love being with her and spending time with her but no matter how in love with her I am that strong sexual attraction AND desire to fuck other hot girls never goes away. Obviously since I've never cheated I can easily avoid it, but it still makes me feel like I'm missing out or I'll regret things in the future...
How do most people deal with this? Does that feeling of regret never occur? Or should you not feel such strong sexual attraction towards others if you're in a good relationship?
Posted Thu Jan 08, 2009 03:44 PM
Posted Thu Jan 08, 2009 05:43 PM
Posted Fri Jan 09, 2009 12:52 AM
Uhm so, if you feel really strongly about it, I suggesst talking to her about your desires. I think they are normal and ultimately you must decide whether to commit or not (meaning, in practice, to suppress your desires OR not...).....
Posted Fri Jan 09, 2009 02:12 AM
Posted Fri Jan 09, 2009 07:53 AM
I think monogamy is socially developed thing for men, its not natural at all. For women yes, cause they can have one baby at a time so having many partners is risky for them. While men can impregnate allot of females thus increasing survival of the offspring and humanity as a whole. This purely from the biological stand point. Since humans settled in one place and moved from hunting to cultivating, men was more frequently at home, thus need for more support to women and monogamy was created.
Posted Fri Jan 09, 2009 09:21 AM
Fully agree with this comment, it's a matter of personal choice for most people, and maybe a cultural or even legal thing for others.
Poly love and sex is fun, wife and I share ourselves round a lot, but it is fraught with risk so is something not to be taken lightly.
Also don't cheat, it's not worth the risk
Posted Fri Jan 09, 2009 06:06 PM
I don't think I would ever discuss this with a serious gf because there would definitely be major jealousy issues... just makes me wonder whether or not I ever really want to get married
Posted Sat Jan 10, 2009 02:34 AM
all about getting in control of your primal instincts and realize if you are always going after another girl you arent going to be with the current one for very long.
Posted Sat Jan 10, 2009 04:41 AM
I won't dare go into the details as to what I feel about this topic as my views are often taken as offensive and I don't want to start anything up. If I were you I'd just read about the science part of it, it sounds like everyone on here knows about monogamy and not cheating, but the genetics part has hardly been covered. If I were you I'd start by reading the Selfish Gene by Dawkins. It's a good book that is scientific and simple and one of the chapters covers just this topic.
Just my 2 cents. I am really curious to see what people suggest on this as it pertains to me personally..great thread.
Posted Sat Jan 10, 2009 07:31 PM
This is something I realized about my girlfriend recently, and maybe some of you have noticed in your gf's / wives (or yourselves, for the women here):
Both of us often joke about banging other people or having threesomes (neither of us is truly interested in a 3-way), and neither of us ever responded to the jokes seriously in the past, BUT recently as the mood of our relationship is shifting more towards engagement / marriage she has been reacting differently to those types of sarcastic comments.
I've noticed in the past where she'd just laugh or have some sort of comeback now she'll say things like "Well sure, if it would make my husband happier" and she's not joking. I've known her since we were 12, we've been dating for 5 years now (we're in our early twenties) so I can tell when she's joking about this type of stuff. She's typically a more jealous person so I find this new response VERY odd, but the most surprising part is that I can tell she's sincere about it...
I know there are lots of "swingers" out there but I just don't know how they can do it, maybe knowing someone is committed to the marriage is assurance enough that fucking someone else won't really mean anything to them?
As a side note: I don't think I could ever bring myself to do it, the guilt would just tear me apart even if she never complained or said a word about it. I have a feeling she would be allowing it only out of fear of losing me... probably assuming letting me do another girl or two would be better than the alternative of breaking up and never being able to see me again
Posted Sat Jan 10, 2009 10:10 PM
Tell her this....if she accepts it, then all the power to you. But if you don't want to tell her or she doesn't accept how you feel about it, then do the both of you a huge favour and don't marry her. Just my opinion.
Posted Sat Jan 10, 2009 10:41 PM
1.)There are roughly equal numbers of males and females by the time we reach sexual maturity.
2.) Human children are dificult to raise, and require a stability provided best by "family."
The first part of this explains why men and women tend to pair off. The second part explains why we often pair bond for many years to life.
There can be triads or more persons, (or other situations) which provide the family element, but those tend to be rare because of the math of human demogaphics.
Our natural instinct (male or female) is to have as many children as possible, and therefore we have a desire to fuck as much as possible and as many people as possible (whether you are a male or female). That instinct is tempered though by those two other factors. Equal numbers, and the whole take care of the child thing.
Social and religious conditioning are nothing more than a reinforcement of the math and child support side of this equation.
Posted Sun Jan 11, 2009 12:38 AM
Marry only for love...she needs to be someone you can't live without. Sounds like you are thinking the grass is greener. If you haven't gotten your fill you need to go take care of that before getting married. Otherwise you'll end up with regrets or divorced eventually. But then again, if you can accept divorce than what's the problem. Do what you want, when you want it. Don't live with regrets, they'll kick your ass later on in life.
You are in a weird place with that humor thing - sounds like you really need a serious conversation. Start off by asking her if she sometimes thinks the grass is greener out there. Assure her that it isn't a breakup conversation if she starts heading in that direction. Veer back to saying that you are considering making her a permanent part of your life, you just don't want regrets for her or you later on. bla bla bla...I'll let you take it from there.
Be honest, but always fall back on how you feel about her. There are no guarantees in life so let what ever happen, happen. It's all about the journey dude...not your accomplishments.