How to get husband to want to meet my needs
Posted Tue Jan 13, 2009 01:33 PM
The only problem my husband has with our marriage is our sex life. I do have a problem with it also but relates more to intimacy to attain a better sex life whereas my husband is just dissatisfied with frequency. I am not one who complains that my husband doesn't bring me flowers, open the door for me, romantic getaway, or all the other common gripes. I am just looking for the kiss as we pass each other (not all the time but at least a few). I like the 10 minutes or so of cuddling in bed, talking, kissing, just enjoying each others company. If it leads to lovemaking then great. If we both fall asleep as we are both exhausted, then I am okay with that too as we made time for each other. I like to sit on his lap while he is watching TV just to get that closeness. I like the occasional hug, the brief hand holding, just the human touch to keep connected. When he kisses me on the neck, I am immediately in the mood.
He says that foreplay/intimacy is not him and I should just stop asking for it. He does want more frequent sex, and all books say that to get there you have to keep the intimacy alive. Sometimes we have sex only once a week, sometimes twice and very rarely 3 times. I would like the 3-4 times.
He will make the effort to grab me sexually, breasts, butt, which is by the way him initiating sex. He doesn't want to hear that those are extremely sensitive areas and I need a bit more than that. I am not rejecting him but am rejecting his move at that time. Give me a few minutes of kissing, caressing back and he can head to those areas. I am feeling really resentful and know that is not where I want to be. I try to describe what I want but if it isn't in the act of sex he doesn't want to participate. I think he feels like I am coaching him.
I climbed into bed one night wearing a nightgown (not anything real sexy as kids were still awake and probably would see me as I walked from the bathroom to the bedroom) but spaghetti straps and V-neck so he can see cleavage. I cuddled up next to him and tried to start kissing him and being intimate, and all he said to me was am I going to get some tonight. He doesn't want to kiss or be intimate if it doesn't lead to sex so I ended up bursting into tears immediately as I was crushed. He doesn't understand why I started crying.
He keeps buying me books on sex and how to spice it up, but if I give him any material, he gets mad. I do get upset when he does suggest I buy some lingerie or purchases lingerie or books as I feel he gets his thrill and then I get tossed aside until he has desire.
I will pull out erotic books and look at them to get me ready if we haven't had much intimacy the past few days so as not to have to use a lot of time with foreplay but would like some longer foreplay at least once a week, possibly twice.
He also tells me I should get medication for my sex drive. He says he won't go to counseling with me. How can I make it work on my own?
By the way, I did start medication for depression/stress as I have a difficult time with all the demands once the school year starts, and I have never felt orgasms that great. I had been on a medication that the orgasm was dulled, but with the more relaxed mood, we were having sex more often. I wasn't just so mentally exhausted anymore by the end of the day. The roadblock now for me is the lack of intimacy to keep the sparks there. Now, he tells me that I will treat my depression but I won't treat my sex drive. Sometimes I don't feel like I will ever please him and in the process afraid of losing my happiness. We only get one life and I feel both partners need their needs met.
Also when he is upset with the our sex life, he goes and sleeps in the basement. He has gone to up to over a week being there. I try to suggest that if he wants sex more that maybe sleeping in the same bed with me and initiating sex will be the better solution instead of making insulting remarks to me and isolating me. Not only is this hard on me emotionally but also the kids are confused by it all. I tend to feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. What I don't understand that how is he getting what he wants this way?
He wants to create his own bedroom and live separate lives. How does this offer him more sex??? He is home after work and would never suspect him of having an affair. I am just so confused.
Any good sites to read for couples or books on this issue? Any suggestion how to talk about this subject without making him feel like he is not good enough? I know when he makes comments to me I take them as I am not good enough but it is because it is said in anger/frustration and the tone is very sarcastic. I just wish he would talk to me rationally and sit down and write out ideas to try. I married for better or for worse and am bound to make this work. If you are a guy, is this common? How would you want someone to talk to you about this?
Posted Tue Jan 13, 2009 02:03 PM
Now with that being said your still having more sex than I get.
Posted Tue Jan 13, 2009 02:18 PM
Posted Tue Jan 13, 2009 03:58 PM
1) Marriage Counseling . There are professionals who are very well trained to help couples with this kind of issues & there's no shame in seeking help from them . Tell him that you need these things & that perhaps the both of you might benefit from going to a few sessions . Most ppl find these to be very helpful in developing new relationship skills & rediscovering each other .
2) Role Play : Get a sitter for the kiddies . Have him pick you up at a bar , but under the concept that he's never met you . Guys love to "hunt" , make him chase ya ! Nothing makes males focus better that pursuing a new sexual experience . Tease the living Hell outa him ! Work him up real good & then skip merrily away ..... Then look over your shoulder & wink at em . After he catches ya , get a hotel room & have a killer "One Night Stand"
Posted Tue Jan 13, 2009 04:36 PM
However, your husband has been conditioned to the slap, tickle, and hurry up and get it done for 14 years. That's quite a bit of unlearning to have to do. My advice would be to bring it up when you are NOT having sex, or anticipating sex. I know that it's difficult to bring up an emotional subject like this when you are both placid (why ruin the mood, right?), but that is the best time to bring up a difficult emotional subject. People tend to be a little more rational and less defensive when they are not caught up in the heat of the moment.
Don't get me wrong, I think he's being a douchebag for not realizing that a few simple things from him would bring him the Keys of the Kingdom. Also, putting the onus entirely upon you reeks of douchebaggery, but that is your burden to bear.
I would also suggest going to a counselor alone, if he will not go with you. A counselor will give you more insight and validation, and perhaps your husband will go once he realizes that you're serious about it.
Posted Tue Jan 13, 2009 07:30 PM
This situation is so difficult to discuss with anyone as it is very humiliating to me. Also needed a guy's insight.
Posted Wed Jan 14, 2009 11:57 AM
He's being a jerk and although you're trying to communicate, it is obvious that your communications are not resulting in you getting what you want. Why is that?
He's totally controlling the situation. Take charge for and of yourself. Decide whether you want to continue living like this or not.
You deserve better.
Posted Thu Jan 15, 2009 11:40 AM
Posted Thu Jan 15, 2009 03:05 PM
I've told my mother on a few occasions that I wouldn't think any different of her if she were to have an affair.
I'm from an old Italian family.. my grandfather's have had their women on the side, my uncles.. cousins.. they are all cheating bastards, but it's looked upon as normal by my people......
It doesn't sound like you really need those depression meds- I think your husband might. Maybe he's not happy with the relationship you have, or the kids, or his job, etc.
Posted Tue Jul 21, 2009 10:22 PM
What he wants from sex and what you want are not the same, so he assumes he's right. Needs a reality check.
If he's keen to spice things up, perhaps you could suggest a "his night" and "hers night". On each night the respective person get to make a request, yours could be 5-10 minutes of fondling or mutual caressing before sex. No penetration until 10 minutes have elapsed.
He should be doing this for you anyway, but some guys of us guys really are thick and need to be lead by the nose. You may have to be prepared to honor some wishes of his you might not particularly want to on "his night", but if it means you get what you need on yours he might eventually start to see the light.
All men want to be sex gods. He needs to be taught that the best way to do this is by really satisfying his woman, not by "getting his". If he can tell you really like what he's doing, he'll be encouraged to do it more. Makes him feel more "godly".
I wish you luck, at least you have the groundwork tools to work with - you both have a healthy sex drive, he just needs to learn to be less selfish.
Posted Sat Jul 25, 2009 06:54 PM
Posted Mon Jul 27, 2009 01:25 PM
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and tell you why. For nearly 3 yrs now my wife and I have lived the swingers lifestyle. We mainly attend clubs and occassionally meet a couple for some play time. The men my wife has slept with have been less then adequate in the sex deptartment. They are mostly there for themselves without looking to take care of a womans needs first. My wife has stated many times that while the sex was ok her needs were not met. I, on the other hand ALWAYS ask what the woman wants first and take care of their needs and wants before my own. I am not trying to brag when I say I have had women (probably more then 20) tell me how good I was and would like to meet again. Many have said, they (like my wife) have run into men who are only there for themselves. Many have commented that it was nice to "finally" find a man that wasn't so selfish when it comes to sex. That, to me, means so much more then getting my rocks off. I tell them to thank my wife for teaching me so well because she deserve the credit!
Posted Tue Jul 28, 2009 05:13 PM
My wife and I have been together for almost 10 years and I am proud to say that we are having some of the best sex today! Why, because we are good at listening and talking to one another, it took as some time to become good communicators but well worth the effort. We are both open to trying new things, and we try to continually expand our sexual knowledge.
Sexual relationships, like any other relationships, take effort and are not a one way street.
Posted Mon Aug 31, 2009 05:41 AM
you sound like a very sweet and loving person, but you also have to stand up for yourself! i have a lot of guy friends who are married to woman who are not even close to being as loving as you are. (many of those friends are in the process of getting divorced) your husband needs to learn to fucking appreciate you a LOT more.
and by the way, i'm a guy who is in a relationship where i'm not satisfied with our sex life either (like your husband, the frequency is not enough for me), but I would never treat my wife like he treats you (and i certainly hope I never unknowingly turn into an asshole either) .... i'm telling you this only because i want you to understand that even as a guy who is in similar shoes as your husband (as far as sexual satisfaction goes), even I think he's being an asshole!
I think you need to have the "honey, i love you, but you're really being an asshole to me.... we need to talk and work things out so we're *BOTH* more satisified... this is very important!" talk. The thing is, he's not listening to you at all, so you need to think what it's going to take to get his freak'n attention so he'll sit down, shut-up, open his eyes and ears and start paying attention.
Posted Fri Sep 25, 2009 04:09 AM
You: Let's make love <3
Him: Too bad we're gonna fuck
You: It makes me feel disrespected and like a sex tool
Him: That's nice let's fuck
Him: Fuck this I'm gonna sleep in the basement.
How can he say he loves you if he doesn't make love to you? He needs some counseling to get past these barriers in my opinion.