Rational or not, these are my feelings. As Christmas approached, I began to realize how good we have it. We both got raises, and aside from stuff for my car, there’s really not a whole lot I wish for. You seem pretty happy with most things. But despite our seemingly idyllic lives, this void between us seems to persist.
· Many days, as far as intimacy goes, I feel so alone
· Need to feel attractive/desired.
· You never look at me like that. You never say anything. You never touch me that way. When we do have sex, I never feel that I'm the one that turned you on. You just come to bed (or put your book down), and start things. You're already all warmed up somehow, and I have no clue how, but it doesn't feel like it has anything to do with me. I like that I get to touch you more now, but all I get is maybe a little hand job, and then you just want me on top and to get off as quickly as possible.
· I miss the passion.
· I love getting you off, and we're very good at missionary, but it always feels that it has to be hard and fast and the same thing. I want to feel more together, and more involved. More kissing, and more petting. Maybe nibbles or some claws. Some kind of sign of passion.
· Lack of eye contact altogether;
· It’s weird enough when we're having sex, but if I hold eye contact too long under any circumstances, you seem weirded out.
· Feel like I'm walking on eggshells.
· Is my attitude in check and acceptable
· Should I take control? I feel like I should control more, but it always feels like you have to control things. Maybe because you schedule all the kid's stuff and everything. But even taking control in our relationship doesn't seem possible, because I never know what to do, and always feel like I'm doing things wrong. I can't seem to flirt with you. I rarely can kiss you beyond a peck. I can't seem to compliment you, without you shooting it down. I can't make advances without being a "silly boy". Maybe I should plan weekends away, or date nights. I don't know; it always seems like we're bleeding money though, and there's always things that aren't on the calendar. It's hard, because I feel we both have a need for a sense for control, but yours seems stronger and I suppose I've become too accustomed to yielding to it... yet I haven't. I can't seem to take control in the bedroom, because if I do anything out of the ordinary, you ask me what I'm doing.
· Is it OK for me to be lazy? Probably not, and it's probably more my own issues, but I generally feel I better keep an ear open for ruckus in case I need to intervene.
· I still feel like I did something wrong at some point, but have no idea what that could be.
· Yelling at the kids or the dog – Did I miss something? Do I intervene? Did I intervene quickly enough? Constantly on my toes. It reminds me of how my dad yelled at us, so maybe it’s just me. I don't know.
· It doesn't feel like we're a priority
· Seems like you'd rather watch TV, and play on your phone, than be with me... or even do those things, while sitting with me. Sure, I get the introvert thing. But 1-2 hours devoted to it on a regular basis? You're often distracted by something, even when I'm just standing right next to you, or even having a conversation with you.
· I'm afraid to touch you.
· Will touching you piss you off or give you creepy crawlies?
· Will I get any reaction at all?
· Will you recoil in seeming disgust? If I kiss you on the neck, will you pull away?
· Will you say something that comes across as an excuse?
· I have no idea what turns you on. I have no idea how to turn you on. I have no idea how to tell if you’re even remotely in the mood. I've essentially given up trying, and that's on me, but I hate it.
· When I make suggestive comments, it feels like you’re laughing at me. What's so silly about wanting to shower with you? I'm not a silly boy. I'm your husband.
· Feels like we’re best friends who occasionally have sex
· I fear constant rejection, so this is my own fault. I feel that I've repressed myself, as to not feel although I'm pressuring you into sex, along with avoiding rejection.
· You seem to think I'm needy, but is it not good that I need you? That I desire you? That I so desperately want you? Except that, over the past couple years, I've rather given up and let that sexual desire wane. It’s just too hard to lay and wait, with hope.
· I appreciate you being more spontaneous recently, but it felt forced, and not at all like you were really into it. I have a hard time when you appear disinterested; a very hard time, and it was awkward. Telling me to hurry at Great Wolf just made it weird, especially once I went out and the kids appeared to be 100% fine out there on their own.
· I need to feel like a priority, and not something you push off because of other things.
· I don’t know what you want or desire. I have no idea what your fantasies are. After 21 years together, that seems absurd. I don't know why we can't be more open and talk about these things, but you always seem so guarded about it.
· You're dismissive about any ideas regarding our issues, and simply believe it's stress. Maybe it is stress, but what can we do about it? It's been so many years, and very little changes. It's time to do something. Anything.
I'm scared. So fucking scared. I've started to wonder if we're just not intimately compatible; to wonder if we ever really were. We are absolutely amazing at times, but they're so rare and far between. It seems like we've always struggled with a differential. And it seems that, at one time you were willing to step beyond your comfort zone to close the differential, and now you're not will to do so. Altogether, it just doesn't seem like a big deal to you, and it is to me. You seem content, but I am not. I'm so very sorry, but I'm just not. I always hoped that may be you didn't absolutely hate going down on me, but now I know you believe it is gross.
One night, when you were off the pill and before you were pregnant with Ben, you went down on me, and it was absolutely incredible. You moaned, partly because you had your vibrator. That's 13 years ago now, but I always hoped it might come back. I've always had such a hard time enjoying it, because you clearly didn't enjoy it, but now I fear I simply can’t have that ever again; not knowing it's gross for you. Will you ever kiss me all over again? I don't know, bite my nipples? Claw my back with passion? Climb on top? Take the time to just enjoy each other? And not leave it as the last thing of the day, when we're both tired? Because I can't remember the last time any of those things happened.
This post has been edited by Mico: Sat Jan 06, 2018 04:22 AM
Reason for edit:: Word Fixes