Moving on, with no prior dating experience...
Posted Mon May 25, 2009 11:26 PM
The girl I was with was my first. My first everything. First solid girlfriend, first physical everything, oral, anal, you name it we did it. It was amazing. I was absolutely without a doubt in love with her. I saw us running away together with our little dog into the sunset like in the movies. Anyways.......
What I'm getting at, we have been apart for three months. It is hard but I am moving on. I didn't really date prior to her. I was waiting for "the one". I never let things go too far with anyone else. I am picky and have high standards, which I don't think there's anything wrong with. There's no reason to waste anyones time. So I started seeing this other girl two months ago. Things were great, we talked everyday, hung out almost everyday but she was giving me very mixed signals. I felt like I was getting the run around and the "friend zone" was closing in so I ended it. Shortly after I sparked up a convo with a girl that works near my house. I've seen her around for a couple years but have always been too shy and somewhat scared to make a pass at her. Saw her about two weeks ago and figured, what the heck, I'm single now, why not? Now this would have never even once crossed my mind when I was with my ex. I did not mess around at all, just not my thing what so ever.
So we get talking, I give her my number and she hit me up shortly after with a text. We talked and talked and she seems very interested. This is where I'm having trouble figuring things out though. Wow that was a lot of back story, sorry. I seem to be doing all the innitiating now however she seems into it. I find myself being the one hitting her up all the time, which isn't a big deal. But it makes me second guess things. I know, I know, if she wasn't into me she wouldn't be talking all the time and hanging out but it seems to me like she would start some convos once in a while. At least make it somewhat 50/50. Maybe she's busy? Maybe she wants to play hard to get? We have gone on a few "dates" and things are going smooth. I'm just not quite sure how to take things further. Should I just let it all unfold, or should I make a move? I don't want to seem agressive or too forward. I also don't want it to go too long to where I'm in the "friend zone".
After writing all that I'm not quite sure what I'm even asking but it feels good to get it all off my chest. I'm a twenty four year old male with no previous dating experience although I have one serious relationship under my belt. I need advice on how to not lose this one. I'm not a "macho" guy by any means. I'm very affectionate, I like holding hands, kissing in public is fine with me, just showing affection. I am thinking about sending flowers to her work but I'm not quite sure if its too soon or not. I'm not looking to get laid, not right away at least. That isn't my "goal". I just want to take this a step further without going overboard and scaring her away. I know this is a pretty open ended post but any advice would be much appreciated. I have been lurking this site for a while and there are some very knowledgable women, and men, on this site. For the record, she is turning twenty in two weeks.
Thanks in advance.
Posted Tue May 26, 2009 07:41 AM
You absolutely don't need to be "macho" to be successful in dating. But what you need to do is to clearly establish boundaries for yourself and keep them. You are absolutely correct in noticing that the young woman you are hanging out with should be reciprocating 50-50 interest here. You are already ahead of a lot of people in recognizing this!
So, I am not really a big fan of sending flowers or giving gifts to people unless they are already in your life. Why? Because they haven't really done anything to deserve this from you, and in my opinion it sets up an unhealthy dynamic in the start of relationships--one that many people spend the rest of the time trying to overcome.
It's much better to get a woman to express her desire for you as a person and to connect with you, and then you can send her all the flowers to your little heart's content! (If you want to do something sweet for her birthday you can, just keep it low key).
Ok so easier said than done, I know! This is the part that gets dicey because every woman is different...there's no manual, lol. The main thing in keeping out of the friend zone is boundaries! If she doesn't reciprocate physical and emotional interest and doesn't give a reason (like she needs to move slowly because something in her past, etc) then it's time to remove yourself from her life at least for the short term. Move along. The mistake people make is to keep hanging around hoping that the person will change their mind. Now you don't have to ignore the person, but no more yaking on the phone, texting, etc unless you genuinely just want to be friends with her.
Make sure you have a life too, so this stuff doesn't mess with your head. Dating is hard for most people. Everybody is trying to survive out there! Be respected and be respectful!
Posted Tue May 26, 2009 12:04 PM
As for the flower thing, thats why I was thinking it was too soon. Definitely on the same page with you on that.
Keeping boundaries is something I've learned the hard way in the past. I heard the "you're a great guy and you'd be an amazing boyfriend, I'm just not ready right now." or the "you're mr. right, just not right now." So of course, I stuck around. Only to get hurt down the road. This is exactly why I stopped talking to the last girl after I was receiving mixed signals. Not that I'm in any sort of rush, but I don't feel like wasting anyones time. I also don't feel like getting hurt again.
We have a date tonight so I'll see how things go. She sounds very excited. Thanks for your help.
Posted Tue May 26, 2009 12:14 PM
Posted Tue May 26, 2009 09:04 PM
I'm similar to you, as you described yourself in that you only have 1 relationship under your belt, and how you were waiting for the one.
Glad you found someone to possibly start things up with. Take it nice and easy and relax. Hopefully things will just click and everything comes natural and you guys have a great time.
Ask her to hang out if you'd like, whenever, but if she says no, dont take it personally. Just say ok, and wait for another time.
Is this for surely a date? hopefully she doesn't think you're just hanging out while you believe it's a date. It could get a little confusing.
But I can only assume it is, so good luck on your date
Posted Wed May 27, 2009 03:08 AM
"this was one of the best dates I've ever been on" - her
There was definitely something there. Lots of talking, kissing, hands all over, you know, date stuff. I'd say it went very well.
Posted Wed May 27, 2009 01:26 PM
you know where to go whenever you want opinions